Ceridwenscauldron

Thank Darwin this bloody nonsense is over at last.

I see that Susan Boyle is now in the Priory suffering from a breakdown after losing to some kids who do a bit of dancing. I can't say I'm surprised after all the poor woman has had front pages on all the tabloids for longer than the Telegraph has managed to eek out the parliamentary expenses story. Never one to miss an opportunity to make himself look daft Boredom Groan has even phoned to commiserate, never mind Gordon you are about to find out what its like to lose yourself soon.

The most peculiar headline I think I have seen was the one on Metro's front page that said Susan Boyle could be the new Oprah. A bit far fetched I thought from my limited viewing of the show since Ms Boyle appeared to have an an incredibly thick accent.

Who was the author of this claim I hear you wondering?

It was no other than 80s poptart Sinitta, famous for such timeless classics as So Macho and GTO. Naturally I thought why look any further for a replacement for the BBC director general Mark Thompson when he goes she's obviously on the money for it.

Here are some ideas for how Sinitta could jazz up the BBCs offerings

7.00 Animals do the Strangest Things; with Hugh Fearnley Whitgingstall, after all he has a nice farm with baa lambs and piglets

7.30 University Challenge; Stock, Aitkin and Waterman take on S club 7 asking the questions Katie Price

8.00 Panorama; Eoghan Quigg looks into the shocking cost of a new scrunchie while whoever won the X Factor last year looks into the transient nature of fame

9.00 The Apprentice with Sharon Osbourne; Shazza wonders what else she can do to to milk her befuddled husband's former career for a few quid now that the TV work has dried up

10.00 The News read by Pepsi and Shirley

11.00 Question Time; hosted by Rick Astley, topical debate with Belouis Some, Peter Andre, some bloke off Big Brother and Maria Whittaker

Those racist idiots in the BNP have put out an election leaflet brimming over with patriotic nonsense.

Pride of place goes to that great British aircraft the Supermarine Spitfire. Only thing is that particular Spitfire was flown by a Polish squadron.

Yes Poles, you know those 145 brave chaps who the BNP would have prefered to have stayed in Poland when the Nazis invaded, who along with Czech (88), French (13) and other foreign pilots who helped to defeat the Nazis in the Battle of Britain. I suppose the BNP would also have turned away all the Norwegian, Dutch, Greek and Danish servicemen who fought alongside British and Commonwealth soldiers, sailors and airmen too.

Mind you the BNP hava a track record of claiming that Britain should have stayed out of World War II and that British soildiers built the death camps as part of some kind of demented conspiracy theory.

The same leaflet promotes more nonsense about British Jobs for British people with a photo of three construction workers against a Union Jack backdrop, turns out that these chaps are American, tsk tsk BNP idiots you should have checked the provenance with whatever photo library your designer bought the photo from. The same goes for that pair of happy pensioners who incidentally won't be voting BNP because they are in fact Italians who live in Italy.

And these British Jobs would they be with traditional British fims like Ford, TNT, Honda, Citibank, McDonalds, Toyota, DHL, News International, Renault, Sony, Total?

I think knowing your enemy is pretty important so I read some of the copy on the BNP's website. Any claim that they are not racist is soon blown out of the water when you read about their crackpot policies to do with the repatriation of immigrants and locking down our borders with Europe.

They even think that then UK and Ireland can be reunited outside of the EU - What utter nonsense.

These idiots seem to think that by putting on a suit they somehow stop being a bunch of moronic thugs and become respectable pillars of society.

Well a collar and tie never stopped Hitler from being an evil mass-murdering bastard.