Ceridwenscauldron

"Are we screwed Mr Bradford? what with the irresponsible lending that has helped to inflate house prices so much that nobody can afford to buy one anymore?"

"And of course encouraging landlords to overextend themselves to take a profit from buying to let, so that ordinary people can't even get a foot on the ladder Mr Bingley?"

"And giving ourselves huge bonus payments every year Mr Bradford?"

"And fucking up royally when we couldn't borrow enough to stop the company from going under anymore Mr Bingley"

"Well no we aren't, but the tax payer is well fucked over as they are taking on all our totally irresponsible lending while those lucky chaps at Santander cop our depositers and a branch network they can happily asset strip, when prices recover, at a knock down price. Mr Bradford"

"Are they the same chaps who bought the demutualised Abbey and Alliance and Leicester Mr Bingley?"

"yes the Alliance and Leicester, that Margaret Thatcher forced the Post Office to sell Girobank to for a knock down rate with its savers getting sod all for, Mr Bradford, yes them and Abbey are now owned by a Spanish bank."

"So aside from the tax payer the only people to loose are the ones who bought the shares after speculators took a quick profit then Mr Bingley, like pension funds?"

"But depositers money is safe for now Mr Bradford"

"Yes so we can now withdraw our bonus payments from branches of the Abbey and Alliance and Leicester too Mr Bingley"

music in background

"It's bombed
It's bombed
Now my jobs gone"

"Who's that Mr Bradford?"

"Oh that's Howard from the Halifax on his way to the Black Horse Mr Bingley"

I looked out of the kitchen window this morning as I was making breakfast and noticed a male Blackbird, but a very odd one as it had white markings both above and below the eye.

Never seen one of those before I thought and went to look it up in my Book of British Birds. Apparently it was an albino, which I discovered are not that uncommon in gardens. Now the albino Blackbird is normally black with random bits of white plumage which sounds like this little chap alright.

Hopefully he will come back and I will see if I can get a picture to share with you folks.

We had a fantastic time in Tallinn and it seems incredible today that it was only a week ago time moves on so fast.

Anyhow day three began with a bowl of dust pretending to be muesli as I already have a fully paved patio. after that we went in search of an internet cafe which we found at the Balti Jam railway station. ~Now the confusing thing about the internet cafe was that the woman running the cafe had nothing to do with the computers so we asked the woman in the Post Office next door who directed us to the left luggage room under the station where the tickets were sold from. For 25 crowns we got half an hour.

After a quick blog we had a noes around the station where the trains only seem to go to Russia, Belorussia and and Ukraine, which explains why the shops were full of Russian stuff and the drunken Russians who were always hanging about by the station.

From the station we headed off past the Herring Gulls by Snelli Pond

for a coffee at the decent coffee shop in the town square, followed by a visit to the Torture Museum (80 Crowns). Very gruesome it was too full of medieval implements designed to punish or get the desired confessions out of people whether its the truth or not. We saw an Iron Maiden along with a rack, thumbscrews, the boot and a chastity belt!

Then after lunch at the Hell Hunt we headed down Pikk past the House of the Blackheads (what a tight squeeze) the headquarters of a group of traders who chose the Moorish saint St Mauritius as a figurehead (hence the blackhead), then the Church of St Olaf which has the tallest spire of any church in Tallinn. Now St Olaf was a King of Norway who was made into a saint for massacring pagans. And they wonder why it has been struck by lightning eight times and burnt down.

From there we headed out of the old town through the Viru Gate to see the statue of the Bronze Boy by the National Theatre and Concert Hall. Now the Bronze Boy is a tribute to the young students who took up rifles to help through the Russians out in 1918-19. Quite splendid he is in his nakedness in a very homo-erotic way.

The last piece if sightseeing for us was the St Nicholas Kirk (not to be confused with the Russian Orthodox church we visited the day before and 15 Crowns to get in) This particular church was bombed by the Russians during the Second world war and is now a museum of holy art. Most interesting exhibit is the huge Danse Macabre where a party of Deaths dance alongside the Pope, Cardinal, Emperor, Empress, King and priest to show how death levels everyone, fascinating piece of work.

Then taking a route past the parliament house built by Catherine the Great we returned to the Skane via the medieval city walls and accross the tram lines at Balti Jam where we witnessed these sparrows

Who were waiting for the pigeons to finish being fed by an old lady before hoovering up the crumbs. I do like to see these little birds which you no longer see in London.

On to the evening and we decided to leave the Beer House to the Euro-Barrys and Stag Parties after Old Nick on a fag break, witnessed Mickey Mouse trying to lift Robin Hood from the gutter. On to the other Olde Hansa restaurant which is split over two levels with the minstrels sitting on the stairs right by our table.

Along with the Honey and herb beer we started with Mushroom soup for Mab a meat plate for Nick while I had a fish plate with salmon, herring, anchovies, quails eggs, olives, pickled veg and some kind of cream cheese with bread containing dries ham. All very good Followed by Venetian Duck for Mab, Rabbit for Old Nick and the Knights Steak which came in a creamy sauce for me. For veg we had the lentils, spelt porridge, pickled cucumbers, turnip with ginger and London saffron pickle. All washed down with a pepper aquavit for our good health (ahem)it came to about 1600 Crowns)

Next up was the Ice Bar where we had a couple of cocktails including a freebie Kill Bill for me when our Mixologist overdid the Galliano. So after getting kicked out from there it was on to the Hell Hunt where we met a Dachshund in a a red jumper

which the slightly tipsy and deaf Mab decided was called Johan after I greeted it with a "Yo Hund!" which in our merry state seemed incredibly funny for some reason.

Well that was enough fun for our last day so we headed back to the Skane for a good night's kip before our journey home the following day.

Now some airport advice. If you check in online look out for the Estonian Airlines ground-crew who will swap your print out pass for a proper one just before the boarding gate, it makes getting on the plane easier. Best Airport shopping tip is Estonian Vodka, but given the present poor exchange rate for the pound against the Euro linked Estonian Crown its not a lot cheaper than supermarket vodka even if it does have a bit more swank than Morrison's own.

Its not everyday I get to stay in a swanky London hotel, but as we were at a do last night in that there Lundon Tahn we got to stay in one.

On entry into the very plush looking foyer the receptionista says "We have upgraded you free of charge to a suite."

Cook thinks "What you mean in English is all the other rooms are booked, but thanks anyway."

Anyhow up in the lift to the top floor, open the door and discover a flight of stairs and a rather dingy tiny sitting room, the bedroom is up the stairs on a small landing so I guess what they have done is convert two floors of former staff accommodation into what they like to term a suite, but in reality thanks to the sloping ceiling the total floor space that could be used was no bigger than those of a Travelodge.

Overall the room was very stuffy and as it was lit by a pair of skylights in the ceiling, opening the window wasn't an option. The bed was smaller than a Travelodge bed and the bathroom although plentifully provided with towels was cramped. By the bed was a TV control switch which given that you could not see the TV from the bed was a touch redundant.

The bar tariff was outrageous £8 for a miniature of gin or whisky £6 for a bottle of Bud £2.50 for water.

It was £175 a night for bed and breakfast if you wanted anything other than muesli dust, plastic cheese, toxic looking pink cold meats and bread it was extra! Come on how would a bit of bacon some eggs and a sausage damage the profit on that.

Woke up a bit damaged from the beer, Absinthe, Jagermeister and Pepper Aquavit and headed down to breakfast. Discovered the usual Euro array of alarmingly pink meats, yellow vinyl cheese, dust pretending to be muesli and two heated pans. One contained a kind of porridge and the other something that looked like omelet. Elected for the omelet and some vinyl cheese with some toast that I eventually coaxed from a Soviet era toaster.

I'm not sure what went in the omelet but you could have made a patio out of it. And according to Mab the coffee was pretty disgusting too, so without much further ado we headed into the old town for coffee in a little coffee house off the main square where better drinkies were to be had. Suitably refreshed we headed for the Lutheran Church of the Holy Ghost which has one of the oldest public timepieces in Tallinn (see Mab's page for pix). Being a Lutheran Church it was pretty austere inside but they still charged us 15 crowns to get in!

So after the Lutheran church we headed down Puhavaimu towards the City Museum (35 crowns). This tells the story of Tallinn from its early foundation to the present day and has particularly interesting displays of the medieval trade guilds and cases of more recent everyday artifacts from the Soviet occupation, like ceramics, vodka bottles, newspapers and fag packets, just to show how much life for Estonians has changed since the Russians left.

From the Museum it was a short walk to the St Nicholas Russian Orthodox Church, another opulent edifice heady with the aroma of incense and packed to the roof with icons and other votive objects. I even indulged in a bit of sympathetic magic myself, lighting a candle for a sick friend.

Just down the road from St Nick's is what is left of the Dominican monastery where for 50 crowns an incredibly enthusiastic little old man with very limited English shows you where the monks slept and worshiped. A word of advice watch where you step as the steps are very worn and some of the railings could do with being cemented back in.

Well by then it was time for lunch, so knowing a good thing it was back to the Hell Hunt. We made sure we didn't order to much grub like we did the day before though. To start we shared some deep fried dumplings with spicy tomato sauce and sour cream, they looked like wizened tortellini but tasted fabulous. Then Nick had a tomato soup that contained a cheesy surprise and Mab had creamed turnip soup while I enjoyed some penne cooked with shrimp and blue cheese which was to die for. For drinks local beer and cider. Now the local cider isn't really cider like ours, its apple or pear juice with alcohol added like Kopperburg. I had the pear cider (actually it should be called perry if its made with pears) and it tasted like liquid pear drops, quite pleasant, but I had to have a beer to restore proper balance afterwards. Anyway the meal came to 445 crowns including drinks for all three of us which was a bargain.

After lunch we hit the Estonian History Museum (35 crowns) which went over some of the ground the City Museum did but also had some nice medieval weapons and armour and a room full of banknotes. From there we headed back up Pikk and past the Alexander Nevsky Cathedral to have a look in Tallinn's Lutheran Cathedral. Inside the Lutheran Cathedral there are raised marbled glass fronted pews, where the rich folks used to go to worship or whatever they fancied doing really without having to see or be seen by the great unwashed in the open seating below.

So onto the the evening and after a quick spruce up we hit the Ice Bar for a few liveners and then the Beer House for Mab to get chatted up by a Finnish Nobby no Mates while we sunk a U-Boot. Then on to Olde Hansa where we were shown to our table upstairs by a buxom medieval wench who then plied us with bitter ale with herbs while we listened to the minstrels in the gallery and chose from the menu by candle light.

Unlike those restaurants that do the medieval feasts in the UK, Olde Hansa's menu is pretty authentic and the decor has been very carefully rendered from medieval maps and coats of arms. To start Nick and Mab enjoyed some dried elk while I had a plate of herring, salmon and veg. For the mains Nick had the roast pork, Mab the Himalayan lamb, while I had the Arabian beef cooked with figs. All of the dishes came with the sort of veg that you would have encountered in the Middle Ages, a porridge of spelt with nuts, pickled cucumber, onion, salad leaves, turnip, lentils and a bean bag. The bean bag looked like a tiny Cornish Pasty, but inside the rock hard pastry was a tasty puree of beans.

Well Nick's pork was enormous, Mab's lamb was spiced and stewed to perfection while my figgy beef was absolutely delicious. And very reasonable too at only 1163 crowns.

By then we were well stuffed so after a hazardous visit to the candle lit loo we were off to the Hell Hunt for a night cap. This was where I noticed the lamp shades in the Hell Hunt were crafted from barbed wire, so how do you change a bulb in the Hell Hund? Answer with great care!

Anyone see the latest example of Fives' speculative history docs last night?

How dumb do they think viewers are

The question posed

TV "So just why did the Grand Master admit to 120 counts of Heresy two weeks after his arrest in Paris?"

"Torture" says Cook

TV "blah blah blah waffle waffle so why did the Grand Master admit to 120 counts of Heresy?" Ad break.

"Torture" says Mab coming into the room with a plate of curry

TV "So why did the Grand Master admit to 120 counts of Heresy?"

Cook and Mab "He was bloody tortured you idiot!"

TV "Torture"

Talk about dragging something out, for God's sake we are talking about the middle ages, why did anybody admit to anything when torture was a legitimate part of the judicial system?

TV "They covered his feet in fat and roasted his feet until the bones fell out"

Thanks for that lads it made the curry taste so much better.

To compound the air of drama the talking heads were cut with dramatic reconstructed images of the warrior monks, although I can't imagine that the jailed Templars would have worn their mail and surcoats in the clink, especially after a hard day on the rack! And I can't see the Grand Master doing much standing about in his cell with no bones in his freshley roasted paws.

I also found it hard to beleive the Vatican's historian who asserted that the Papal Enquirey that also found against the Knights did not also use torture to extract their confession's, after all we are looking at the organisation that created the Inquisition.

What could have been a fascinating insight into mysterious order was wrecked by failed attempts to maintain dramatic impetus and inappropriate dramatic reconstruction.

Our trip to Tallinn started with a flight at 6.45. At this hour the security goons at the airport were almost human and let us in without examining our socks for holes. Flight was pleasant enough and we discovered that Tallinn was in the grips of Credo, a holy music festival from a friendly one legged god Squadder.

On arrival at 11.30 local time (9.30 back home) we were met by our driver in a shiny new Audi, very nice I thought and then I started having a few doubts as the scenery of factories and wasteground opened up. However in about half an hour we were dropped off at the Skane and given our room. Which was actually very pleasant with a multi channel TV and out of the round window a view of the Estonian parliament building, a pink Neo-classical confection originally built as a palace for Tzarina Catherine the Great. Sitting up on Toompea Hill in the Medieval walled old town it was just across the tramlines from the Balti-Jam railway station.

First things first supplies so dodging the odd pissed up Russian we hit the Soviet era shops in the station for some water. As the trains only go to Russia the stalls selling books, fags, booze meat, fish and veg catered mainly for Russians and quite an interesting array of merchandise was on display, had to say I didn't fancy the look of much of it though.

So with the swag dumped back in the hotel we crossed the tram lines and entered the old town to be immersed in its narrow cobbled streets. Its easy to find your way round the old town as its very small, so before long we were in the town square where a market was in full swing. Nice local handicrafts purchased, we were off for lunch down the main street (Pikk) at a cafe called the Hell Hunt (this actually means gentle wolf). Well it wasn't long before we were settled at the table enjoying a pint of the local ale with some deep fried cheese balls, and deep fried stuffed jalopenos. With yet more beer the main course arrived, thick creamy soup for Nick and Mab and salted herring with red onion, sour cream and boiled spuds for me, not bad for only 545 crowns.

Next thanks to some upside down map reading from yours truly, we found ourselves at the bottom of Pikk at the gates out of the old town. On one side was Fat Margaret a huge tower which houses the Estonian Maritime Museum (40 crowns). Being good pirates we had to have a look around so followed the exhibits from the Viking age up to the present day, up the stairs to the roof where you get a good view back into the old town and over the harbour to the Baltic Sea on the other side.

Putting the map up the right way we retraced our steps up Pikk past the Hell Hunt and beyond to look at the Russian Orthodox Cathedral. Nothing quite prepares you for the magnificent site of the onion domes that crown the Alexander Nevsky Cathedral (see Mab's site for photos) as it looms around the corner of Pikk. The inside is pretty magnificent too with all its silver votive offerings and icons. It just demonstrates how short a gap there is between organised religion and sympathetic magic.

So having our fill of ecclesiastic splendor we headed back to the hotel for a nap before heading out for the evening.

First stop was the Old Estonia restaurant in the town square. Mab and I had elk in a mint sauce while Nick had wild boar. With vodka and beer it worked out at about 1600 crowns which I thought expensive for what was really only some adequate food. However undaunted I suggested we look for the Beer house another bar recommended by my Lonely Planet guide. It was relatively easy to find as there were load speakers playing Bavarian drinking songs into the street.

The Beer House brews its own beer from Austrian yeast and German malt. We were guided inside to our table by a wench in Bavarian kit, past the small stage with a country and Western band and loads of Euro Barrys grooving out to "Living next door to Alice" ja who da fuck is Alice!. At our wee table Vlad the waiter served up a couple of litre steins of home brewed lager (150 crowns each) followed by the deadly U-Boot a pint with an upended shot of Jagermeister at the bottom that leaks out as you drink it (100 crowns a go).

U-Boots duly sunk we headed over the road to the Ice Bar where a very attractive young lady served us chilled shots of vodka in glasses made of ice (50 crowns a pop) Kill Bills (Absinthe, Jagermeister and Galliano 65 crowns), Green Fairies (Absinthe and Triple Sec set fire to, downed in one, glass upended and fumes inhaled 65crowns) and Caipinhas (75 crowns)until closing time when she chucked us out.

Heading back to the hotel Mab spied the Olde Hansa medieval restaurant so we popped in to have a honey beer nightcap. Sadly the beer was finished but the incredibly tall owner took pity on us and invited us to see his shop full of medieval glass and ceramics and sample some of his home distilled, fiery peppered aquavit for free over a chat about Tallinn's history. "Drink it the Estonian way down in one" so we did, interesting!

Eventually escaping into the cold night air we headed back to the Skane for a much needed kip. Day one was a great insight into somewhere I had only read about in spy novels as a lad and never dreamed I would be able to visit so easily just 40 years later. Day two will be along shortly.

Avast there readers (Speak for yourself) Cook is back and will be unloading his guide to Estonia's capital tonight, but I thought a bit of background about this little known place might be handy in making some sense of the place.

Tallinn was founded by the Danes when they went to "civilised" the pagan Estonians in the 1200s, since then it passed to the German Order of Tuetonic Knights then later the Danes for a bit, and then the Swedes who held on top it until the 1700s when Peter the Great decided he'd like it to be part of Russia. It reamined Russian up to 1917 and in the turmoil of the end of the First World War, the Russian Revolutions and Civil War eventually it declared itself independent along with Latvia, Lithuania and Finland.

This lasted until the Second World War when Ribbentrop and Molotov divided the Baltic states and Polnad between the Nazis and the Soviets and the Russians walked back in. Then the Nazis pushed the Russians out and then the Russians came back and stayed up until the Soviet Union fell apart at the tail end of the 20th century. While they were there they exchanged about a third of the population so there are many ethnic Russian Estonians.

The country is a melting pot of Scandinavian, German and Russian cultures in terms of architecture, food and art. The Estonian language is most similar to Finn and most of the old Soviet street signs in Cyrillic script have gone the same way as the statues of Lenin and Marx and the Ladas and Trabants that have been replaced with Audis, BMWs and Range Rovers.

Tallinn old town is full of surprises including a medieval Dominican monastery, 17th century German merchant houses, Lutheran Churches, Russian palaces and Onion Dome Churches. The food is typical northern European with plenty of meat and dumplings and the beer is plentiful and good.

Currency is Estonian Crown and you get about 18 to the poorly UK pound.

Go now and see it before its ruined!

Taking the second exit from Pratt's bottom (you can imagine how long I have been wanting to write that) we were soon hoping that we were not going to be meeting someone coming the other way down the very narrow Kentish lanes around the village of Downe.

before too long we found Down House, which confusingly is spelt without the extra "e", the home of one of the most important scientists ever - Charles Darwin. The property is managed by English Heritage so as we are members we didn't have to pay the £7.50 entry fee.

Starting with the garden we had a wander round the Sand Path where I think Darwin spent a lot of time agonising about whether to go public about his ideas while out enjoying the country air. We also enjoyed the kitchen garden which had some splendid pumpkins and squashes about ready for harvest, the walled garden with its fruit trees, the greenhouse with its fantastic selection of insect eating plants and the laboratory with its glass walled beehive. With the sun shining there were plenty of insects enjoying the nectar and pollen, so I got to show the Powder Monkey the difference between Bumble Bees, Honey Bees and Hover Flys, there were also lots of butterflys.

Inside the house the ground floor is preserved much as it would have been in Darwin's day, we saw the drawing room where the family would spend evenings around the piano, reading and sowing, the billiard room where the gentlemen would retire after dinner, the dining room and Darwin's study, where he would work on the specimens that friends sent him from around the globe. I have often thought that with the large number of parcels contains organic material arriving at Down being Darwin's postman can't have been much fun.

The upstairs features a very informative exhibition about the great man, his life and works.

In all I think we spent about two to three hours there and very enjoyable it was too. Before we left there was time for a cup of tea and a visit to the shop where I picked up some unusual pickles which I'm looking forward to sampling.

Back in Essex we decided to see the birds at Connaught Waters, and I'm really glad we did as the Great Crested Grebes had a pair of chicks. They were really pretty with their grey stripey down and already diving for food with their mum and dad. We also saw Mallard, Mandarins, Red Headed Pochard, Tufted Duck, Canada Geese, Magpies, Coots and Moorhens. So as the sun went down we left the birds to roost and headed for home and were lucky enough to see one of the forest's foxes before the light faded too much.

A leading academic has suggested that creationism should be taught in UK schools in science lessons.

Prof Michael Reiss says "Creationism was not a misconception and discussing it in a respectful way would make believers less likely to disengage with science"

Would this teaching involve claiming the world is only 8,000 years old, despite the overwhelming geological evidence and teaching that fossils are only there to test our faith in God. Should this practice, given our multi-faith society, be extended to the creation myths of all other religions as well, if so will there be time? Or are we talking about religious indoctrination.

Whether Darwin's ideas were right or wrong creationism has no place in science lessons, if anywhere it should belongs in RE alongside other questions of faith.

I read that former advisor to the Mayor Lee Jasper thinks black youth would do better in black only schools. He then goes on to say that both Nelson Mandela and Martin Luthor King both benefited from a black only education.

What of course he doesn't say is that both Mandela and King spent most of their lives fighhting exactly this kind of discrimination and segregation. What would they make of Jasper's ideas?

Yes to the Saucy Wench's joy it does work

so instead of using the Margarita mix substitute 100ml of equal parts Vodka, Triple Sec and Peach Schnaps and 150mls of freshly squeezed orange juice.

The other day the nice people at Gordon's Gin sent Bosun Gravy a survey with a prize of a meal for six at one of Gordon Ramsey's restaurants for filling it in.

"Who you gonna take?" asked Saucy Wench Tartarre

"Yeah and what are we gonna have to nosh?" added Master Surgeon Tripe

"Nothing" replied the disappointed old salt, "We didn't win but that nice Mr Ramsey has sent us a recipe for Gin and Tonic jellies"

"Sounds a bit yuk to me" pouted the Saucy Wench "But let's ask Cook what he can do with it."

Now I'm not sure about gin and tonic jellies as I've never really been a G & T fan, prefering my gin in a Martini or a Gin and It, but I thought if it works with Gin and Tonic, it should work with other kinds of booze, so why not try a Margarita.

This is what I did to make enough for four.

First take four leaves of gelatin and soak them in water.

Be prepared like a good pirate and make up the solution to go in the syrup before making the syrup. Taking a measuring jug pour in 50mls of tequila and 50mls of Triple Sec (if you can't get that Grand Mariner works too) squeeze a lime into it then add a slug of lime cordial and top up with water till you have 250mls of liquid in the jug.

Then heat 250 mls of water in a pan with 125gms of caster sugar stirring until all the sugar has dissolved, then bring to the boil until it thickens a bit taking care not to let the syrup caramelize on the bottom of the pan. Remove from heat and set aside.

Next take the gelatin leaves out of soak and give em a shake to get rid of any excess water then stir them into the syrup until they dissolve, then add the Margarita mix and set the mixture aside to cool to room temperature.

Once the mix has cooled down pour into glasses and stick it in the fridge for at least four hours to chill and set.

"Yum" said the Wench as she scoffed her portion, "Gonna try it with an orange blossom next?"

Fascinating story in yesterdays Metro about the results of Prof Adrian North's survey into the links between musical taste and personality.

After talking to 36,000 music fans he determined that fans of Heavy Metal and Classical music have very similar personalities. I can see how this works just compare say Metallicca to Mahler or Wagner to the Sabs it really isn't that far apart when you break it down.

So what are we like the Mussorgsky Moshers?

Apparently we are creative and at one with ourselves, which is a refreshing change from the old perceived view of a metal head being a bit of a thicko, not that some, like the rest of the human race, aren't of course.

Now I also like a bit of Reggae and Ska every now and then, especially if the Sun is shining, I'm not at work and I have a drink in my hand, and Reggae fans are according to Prof North are more at ease.

Regular readers of this space will also know I like some Country too and fans of the Dixie Chicks, the Man in Black and Emmylou are hard-working, fair cop if its something creative, mayhap that explains my penchant for 50s Rock 'n' Roll and Psycho Americana like the Cramps and the Gun Club.

Now then what about people who like Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Travis, well the bad news according to the survey is that Indie fans lack self-esteem. But surely that would mean XFM's DJs would string themselves up every time they played Hang the DJ - Oh no they are DJs so they don't actually like music that much when they could be listening to themselves.

Is there no stopping this woman?

She likes God which is good for the loony religious Americans who like to think the Earth is only 6,000 years old

She likes guns - fantastic for the crazy Americans who think the best way to deal with gun crime is to shoot even more people rather than regulate the supply of firearms.

She has a pregnant teenage daughter called Bristol and even having a kid with a daft name can't lose her support!

The Bosun, Saucy wench Tartarre and I were foraging in Mr Sainsbury's Emporium the other night.

"There be some fine bargains here look at this here stir fry veg at 40p" quoth the salt rimed soul as his tar stained fingers placed it in the trolly.

"And these here sea beetles at £2.99 be well fit for the captain's table" added the Saucy Wench her handsome bosum heaving with excitment.

"Just the thing to try out that Sambal paste we got in that there Lundon Town's Chinese quarter" I mused.

So into a pan of hot oil goes one chopped onion, six crushed garlic cloves, one chopped chili, give it a bit of a stir and add a punnet of chopped mushrooms, a good slug of light soy sauce, two teaspoons of Chinese five spice powderfollowed by the prawns. add to that the Sambal paste and watch everthing go a fantastic red colour.

Discover there is no Chinese wine or sherry or white vermouth in the house compromise on red vermouth add a good sized slug to cool stuff down and a slug of Chinese black smoked vinegar. In goes half the pack of stir fry veg and a pack of chopped coriander.

I served this on rice with a glass of West Country Scrumpy.

I read in the paper that cyclists now think Range Rover drivers are worse drivers than white van men.

Thats rich coming from people who ignore traffic lights, cycle the wrong way up one way streets, regularly mount the pavement without warning and think nothing of the pedestrians right of way.

Cook "What would you like with your pasta, meatballs?"

Small Person "yes"

"Mushrooms?"

"No"

So what do you do when you have a whole bunch of mushrooms that the little people don't want to eat?

OK try this as a side dish

Into the fying pan goes: olive oil, one chopped onion, four smashed garlic cloves, one chopped chili pepper. Let it cook down a bit then add a pack of cubed panchetta and whats left of a pack of cherry tomatoes fry for a bit longer so the bacon flavours the oil and the tomato skins burst, then add the chopped mushrooms with a small glug of light soy sauce and a pack of chopped basil, reduce the liquor then serve as a side dish.

Very nice it was too with meatballs and past in a tomato sauce.