Have you noticed the how many west end stage musicals there are based on recording artist's back catelogue there are these days what with Queen's We Will Rock You and Jersey Boys with the songs of the Four Seasons (yuk is all I can say about that one)

Anyhow I had a great idea for one, how about Reanimator with music by the Fields of the Nephilim and book by Clive Barker, the story of a heartbroken young medical student who brings the corpse of his dead girlfriend back to life with hilarious consequences.

I like those CDs you get free with mags, I get a lot of the music I listen to that way these days as I can't bear to listen to those self loving idiots on the radio, but have to say I the latest two CDs from Mojo with the Beatles White album recovered were a bit disappointing, but then maybe thats because the White album in my opinion is a bit rubbish compared to stuff like With the Beatles or Revolver.

Now lets see who I've upset this time

Look I'm not fucking going to add you to my friends list if you are selling loans, gadgets or any other products, in fact I'm going to report you to an administrator and have your low grade worthless piece of shit of a site removed from here so leave me alone and go and stick your head up a dead bear's arse.

Clear enough for you.

Saw a notice in a shoe shop window this morning

Shoes £20 each
£30 for 2

Woke up on Sunday morning feeling surprisingly well considering how tired and how much beer I'd drunk the night before. The sun was shining yet again so we set off in search of breakfast having decided the hotel breakfast was probably better fit for building harbour defences.

Just around the corner we found a nice little place that did churros (long extruded donuts) for Mab, who being an experienced hand with Spanish/Catalan cuisine dunked them in the cup of thick gooey chocolate and drank the dark cafe solo. (I have seen unsuspecting people at breakfast buffets put baked beans over churros in the past) Old Nick had a perfect Spanish omelette and I enjoyed some bacon and eggs with that really good sweet Spanish bacon.

From there we went down through the Bari Gothic to the harbour where we watched people chucking lumps of crusty bread into the sea for the Mullet who were going nuts to eat as much as they could. Old Nick could not resist taunting some very jealous looking feral pigeons.

Having had our fill of this we headed back into town to hit the Picasso Museum (7 Euro admisssion) where were treated to a fine display of the great Catalan painters early works, including some Lautrec influenced posters for the Paris stage that I really liked.

By now it was time for lunch so we wandered back to the Placa Reial and the Cerviceria Canarias where we enjoyed a variety of tapas priced from three to six Euros each, including potatas bomba, boquerones (anchovies in vinegar, Spanish omelette, spuds with alioli and some of the best deep fried squid rings I have ever had, no deep fried elastic bands here.

Well after lunch there was time for a little siesta before heading north into the Bari Gothic to visit the Palace of Catalan Music. On the way we passed the magnificent Gothic Cathedral and had a look around (5 Euro). Quite interesting as you enter by a walled courtyard. Around the edge of the courtyard are a series of shrines and in the centre a pool for geese. Now way way back the Catholics classed Geese as fish so I guess Friday is not too popular with these chaps. The most surprising thing I saw there though was a red eared terrapin sunning himself on the rim of the pool, probably a survivor of the Miutant Ninja Turtle craze.

The interior of the Cathedral is simply massive with a fine carved wooden choir and some lovely stained glass. And to prove technology has not left the Roman Catholic Church behind there are coin operated banks of electric candles for your votive offerings, very Dave Allen.

So with our spirits suitably lifted we carried on to the Palace of Catalan Music a magnificent concert hall originally built in the 1920s in the Modernista style with plenty of inlaid ceramic tile that is so characteristic of Barcelona's architectural decoration.

Giving the guided tour a miss we were just about to cross the road when Mab says

"That bloke hasn't got any clothes on!"

Well Nick and I both looked in the direction of the Metro station and there he was- stark bollock naked, late 40s to early 50s in very good shape and ladies, quite genorously endowed just nonchalantly taking a stroll down one of the city's major thoroughfares. Must have been quite used to it as he was nut brown all over without a tan mark on him.

Needless to say as he wandered off we could tell where he was by all the craning necks!

Well by then it was beer o'clock again and Old Nick fancied some Guiness so we piled into Mybar (just off the Placa Reial), a fake Irish boozer complete with loads of dusty old books and sepia photos of donkeys. A bit pricey at five and a half Euros a pint though.

For our final meal we did that Spanish thing of enjoying a long evening of drink, food and conversation in the open air at the Serviceria Canarias. Starting with wine and a Manzanilla sherry for me we nibbled on olives, bread pasted with garlic and tomato, potatas mojo, hot chorizo baked in the oven, paella and some very tender octopus in vinegar washed down with copious amounts of beer.

Well that's about it, fabulous city with some amazing architecture and fantastic food, but at this time of year very humid. the trip home was relatively uneventful except for yet more chaos baording the plane when the only benefit EasyJet's purchasers of Speedy Boarding got for their money was watching the people who piled on the bus at the departure gate last get on the plane first, so see ya later Speedy boarders!

Finally some advice about the duty free shop.

Fags are cheaper at Tabac shops in town, not by much, but if you are buying a lot and want to stash them in your luggage do that and save a few quid.

For booze buy Spanish brands as the premium brands like Bombay Saphire or Captain Morgan are not much cheaper than at home. Good buys were Larious Gin at 8 Euro a litre and either Veterano or Soberano brandy (matured in sherry casks and in my opinion much nicer than French or Greek brandy) at 9.50

Very Early on Friday morning and having checked in on-line we breezed through security at Stansted without my customary argument or an inspection by the shoe police. Typically the ground handlers (Swissport) managed to put the final call sign on for our flight while they were boarding the Amsterdam one which led to much confusion and disgruntlement.

Easyjet call a number of boarding groups for flights, but because Swissport don't choose to operate any queuing system, everybody mills around getting in each others way, they'd be better off just having a free for all.

I managed to drop off on the flight which helped pass the time, but once we got off the plane we discovered Barcelona Airport was a maelstrom of complete chaos as people with impracticable amounts of baggage huddled around the exit to customs getting in each others way and ramming people with trolleys.

Out of the arrivals hall we hopped on the Aerobus (4.50 Euro one way from the driver or 7 for a return, but only from the machine which was naturally broken)and enjoyed a pleasant drive into the city for our drop off at Placa Catalunya. From there it was a short wander down La Rambla, past the flower and cage bird stalls, to eventually find our hotel in the Placa Reial, Octopus Travel's map having placed the hotel on the opposite side of the square it took a bit of working out.

While the Roma Reial was a bit of a fleapit with tiny rooms with no air conditioning, you could not fault its position on the Placa Reial with its bars, restaurants, palm trees and Gaudi designed lamposts. Aside from the usual feral pigeons the palms were home to squawking ring necked parakeets just like London's Eltham Palace.

So having dumped the bags and with some time to spare before we could check in we were off to see the town. As the weather cheered up first stop we decided was the Sagrada Familia. So how do you get there? answer Barcelona's Metro. Spying the Liceu station on La Rambla we popped down to work out how to buy a ticket. There are various permutations available and I opted for the T-10 ticket which for seven Euro gives you ten rides.

Just as well really as the ticket gets clipped when you go through the entry gate and at some metro stations like Liceu there are no cross platform connections. So up and out of the station and back down on the other side of the road for our second journey. The Barcelona metro is spacious and air conditioned so much more comfy than the tube.

The Sagrada as you can see from Mab's and Old Nick's site is pretty amazing and still not finished despite work having commenced back in the late 19th century. The death of Gaudi the architect, the Spanish Civil War and years of fascism under Franco kind of got in the way I guess. Still work is ongoing and this strange almost organic looking structure should be complete by 2030. (Admission 10 Euro)

As we had been up since about 3AM we were by now starving so we dropped into the Cafe Nova for some Boccadillos (kind of like subs made with really crusty bread) and beer. I had chorizo, Old Nick pork and Mab Spanish omelette, very good it was too for 18 Euro.

Back on the Metro to Parc Guell we meant to change trains at Diagonal where we discovered the interchange involved going back up on the street and following a line painted on the pavement to another station. As we were there we had a look at Gaudi's La Pedrera apartment building, yet another magnificent example of almost organic melting forms cast in concrete ornamented with wrought iron and ceramic mosaic.

As there was a huge queue to get in we hopped back on the Metro to Vallcarca then up the street escalators to Parc Guell to enjoy a beer on Gaudi's inlaid terraces and admire fairytale gatehouses.

Knackered we metroed back to the hotel where we attempted to get some kip before venturing out for food. On a sidestreet (Bonsucces) from La Rambla we discovered Bioasis a quite trendy and very busy organic tapas bar where for 11.50 euro each you got a choice of three tapas dishes and a drink. Being happy to share we feasted on deep fried cod balls, Manchego cheese in oil with olives and gherkin, smoked sausage, Catalan sausage, potatas bravas, paella, meatballs, Spanish omelette and crab croquettes.

This was finsihed off with some delicious almond tart with Moscotel and coffee. Aside from the traditional Spanish cuisine the range of tapas at Biosis includes plenty of Indian and south east Asian influenced dishes, so there should be something for everyone.

From we went in search of more beer, first off it was the Club Roma Reial under our hotel, a place that suffers from exclusive club syndrome with a surly manager who has a bad attitude problem and expensive beer (5 Euro a pint!)although some of the waiters are quite sweet, from there we headed off to Port Vell where we enjoyed a drink at Chiperia watching the bridge swing out to let a boat into the harbour and then getting cut off on the wrong side when it didn't swing back.

On the long walk back to the Hotel around the harbour we were distracted by splashing noises and discovered the sea was full of thousands of tiny fish. These were being eaten by bigger fish, hence the leaping out of the water. from there it was back up La Rambla stopping only at the Cafe Taxidermist for a nightcap before hitting the sheets at 2.30pm ish.

To be continued

1 If you could be any sort of book, Why?

A Victorian high adventure pastiche with loads of guns, vampires and explosions, because its the kind of thing I like to read.

2 How many Cities have all the people you will call friends in your life thought about living in?

Dunno but I suspect the following: Sydney, Cairns, New York, Homg Kong, San Francisco, Oslo, Berlin, Prague, Edinburgh, Copenhagen, Amsterdam,

3 You are in a dark ally at midnight with no way out, and in front of you is a ravening Vampire. All you can find to use as potential weapons are the rind from a Parmesan cheese, a soggy coppy of "Rubber Donkey Monthly" and the stone from an Olive. Do you

A- Shit your self.
B- Wake up screaming.
C- Wake up screaming and shit yourself.

Is this the Ingrid Pitt sort of vampire? might soil myself in a slightly different manner if it is.

4 If all the Virgins in the world were laid end to end, would it make a good video?

Not if its method acting

5 How old were you on your tenth birthday?

Oh ha ha ha fucking ha

6 There is no such thing as saliva, when you eat your teeth are actually crying - discuss.

Fuck off

7 You are at a dinner party and have finished the wonderful meal prepared lovingly by your hosts and are sitting back feeling replete and ready for an after dinner drink. Just then a huge silver back Gorilla burst roaring into the room and throws the hostess face down over the table and begins to take her vigorously from behind. Bearing in mind that you have just lit up a rather fine Cuban cigar, do you take a Port, Brandy or Sherry?

Now how wide is this table then?

1. Are you married or single?

Married

2. Do you have brothers and sisters?

One sister.

3. Are they older or younger than you?

Younger.

4. Have you ever met a famous person?

Yes but then I have worked in both PR and publishing so its often been through work- Lorraine Kelly, Lemmy, Vanessa Feltz, Zoe Ball, Melinda Messenger, Fish, Dave Brock, Robert Calvert (RIP) Dave McKean, Fearne Cotton, Tanni Grey-thompson, colin Jackson, Micheal Moorcock, Prof Richard Holmes, Vicki Michelle, Kim Newman, Ute Lemper, Erin O'Connor, Jodie Kidd, David Mack, Bernard Cornwell, Bob Hoskins, Alexie Sayle, Fenella Fielding and Amanda Barrie.

Plus close encounters with Sir John Geilgood, Martin Clunes and Christopher Lee at Morris Angels

5. What countries have you visited?

Australia, Hong Kong, Fiji, USA, Canada, Mexico, Egypt, Isreal, Jordan, Palestinian Authority, Turkey, Greece, Cyprus, Spain, Gibraltar, France, Andorra, Portugal Denmark, Holland, Belgium, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Monaco, Italy, the Vatican, Switzerland, Malta, Austria, Czech Republic, Hungary, Montenegro, Croatia, Bosnia-Hertzogovina, Eire, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland I think that's it. Does the United Nations HQ in New York count, they have their own stamps?

6. What do you do on Sundays?

Eat, drink, sleep, read, go to the pub etc.

7. What kind of people do you not like?

Bigots.

8. Who has had the most influence in your life?

My good lady.

9. Would you like to be famous?

Depends why?.

10. How many different towns or cities have you lived in?

Only London or very near.

11. Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

Either.

12. What was the last book you read?

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman.

13. What's your favorite food?

Spanish.

14. Do you live in a house or an apartment/flat or other?

House.

15. How tall are you?

about six foot

16. What are your hobbies?

Reading, films, cats, writing, food

17. What's something you do well?

cooking and copy writing, any style.

18. Which sports do you like to watch/play?

I don't.

19. Are you a 'morning' or 'night' person?

Probably morning as I can't stay awake these days.

20. What is your motto?

Its on the table

I was just going to post this as a comment on Old Nick's site, but this show really pissed me off with its use of conjecture and renactment to sensationalise our past.

My biggest gripe is that none of the evidence put forward actually proved that the Druids carried out human sacrifice or cannibalism despite it being pro-activly presented in that way.

The gruesome trophy sites were battle casualties and there is nothing unusual in cultures taking heads as trophies. In fact it still happens today. The one instance of a body being decapitated with a sword is not proof of a sacrifice it could have been a battle casualty or a judicial killing.

Similarly there was no evidence to suggest that the bones dug out of the cave in Gloucestershire were victims of sacrifice at the time of the Roman advance into Britain, we have seen in recent times mass graves that are the results of ethnic cleansing in both Africa and the Balkans, and the Romans themselves were not above putting the entire populations of conquored cities to the sword. I also think that the one split bone offered up as evidence of cannibalsim from this site is not sufficient, there should be far more butchered bones from more sites for a safe conviction.

The memo about the human remains from the lake of votive offerings in Anglesey (that had vanished anyway!) offered no proof of anything.

Again Lindow Man, was he a sacrifice or a judicial killing? We don't know but up until 300 years ago elaborate rituals like hanging, drawing and quartering were practiced for crimes like treason in the UK.

Now I'm not trying to suggest that the Druids were all cuddly white haired grandads who spent thaeir days cuddling oak trees, these were violent times and we don't have much reliable evidence either way, but history programmes like this offer a very biased and inaccurate view of history.

It should also be remembered that the Roman's had a well documented penchant for cruelty and violence both in conquest and their public entertainment and so presenting the ancient Celts as savages on the basis of a trophy site and a bone pit is about as silly as basing such an assertion on the Romans having a tidy haircut.

Right here's a variation on Cook's Royal Chili that we had for the Moff's last dinner in England before going back to the chilly north.

Heat some oil in the pan chuck in some onion and mustard seeds stir about add a chopped onion, six chopped cloves of garlic and six chopped chili peppers.

When the onions have wilted a bit add some cubed chorizo, let that sweat a bit then chuck in the minced beef. Add two teaspoons paprika, two teaspoons of mustard (I'm still using that lovely mustard with white wine and honey that I got in camelford) and a good twist of black pepper.

Give it a stir then in goes a can of tomato puree, a can of kidney beans, a slurp of light soy sauce, a slurp of Worcester Sauce, a good squirt of Goosewing Chili Sauce a glass of red wine and a bottle of Cobra. Add a beef stock cube and let that cook down.

Once its reduced serve up on a bed of rice with some grated Cheddar sprinkled over the top.

I'd recommend to start a glass of Cava poured over a measure of chestnut liqueor and then a nice Spanish ot Italian red.

In other news Tourettes Girl is going back to Canada - Fetish corner will never be the same with only Machine Gun Betty

People on the tube do some odd things.

This morning a very attractive lady sat next to me and got a load of papers out of her bag. Nothing odd about that you may think, but after rumaging in her bag she fished out a two hole punch and started punching papers and filing them away in folders.

Makes a change from reading the Metro I guess.

A pal of mine sent me an e-mail on Friday saying come and see me joust at the Tower of London.

Well with an invitation like that how could we refuse so at the crack of noon we headed off to Tower Hill where we discoved that the tournament was taking place in the Tower's moat and we could watch it all for free whoopee!

It was all very splendid as the King and Queen turned up to watch from the dias (I think it was Edward IV given the banners with the White Roses of Lancaster) and the Heralds took to the field to announce the tilts as the four knights took it in turns to break lances on each others sheilds. See QueeneMab's site for some nice photos

We kept a look out for Grahame or Sir Geoffrey Turberville as he is known, but its kind of difficult to tell who people are when they are encased in steel.

Having enjoyed the spectacle and relieved that nobody got injured we wandered off to St Catherine's Dock to have a look at the boats in the marina and have a drink in the Dickens Inn before heading over Tower Bridge for a drink in the Mudlark and the Anchor before a jolly nice Piri Piri chicken meal at Nandos and then home.

What a great way to enjoy a Sunday

I see from the papers that baggage handlers and check in staff at BAA airports are going to be taking strike action over the August bank holiday period over a pay claim disrupting thousands of people's holiday plans.

I doubt that the airports' management are that worried though, after all there are few places where customers are viewed with such utter contempt.

So if you are planning to get away I'd suggest only take hand luggage and check in on line.

During the week I booked some tickets to see the Mummy Three at the Odeon's weebsite and got charged an extra £2.10 as a bloody booking fee,

Fucking cheek I just saved them the trouble of selling me the tickets in person by a member of staff they have to pay, guareenteed them three bums on seats for that night so get I charged extra. I'm getting sick of this booking fee malarky by venues its just another way of ripping customers off when they are in reality saving them staff costs.

I thought the point about the internet was that it cut out the cost of human beings and saved us all a few quid rather than lining people's pockets for making their lives easier.

As to the film, I have to say I didn't really like it that much I'm afraid, I just can't warm to Brendan Fraser and there was often so much CGIed action going on that I was completely confused as to what was happening.

You know I am getting to like Boris Johnson more and more.

I loved his dfescription of passengers waiting for two and a half hours their baggage to be delivered at Gatwick Airport as "shuffling round the ox-pens, like inmates of some Victorian penitentiary" and the apology letter being "one of the most snivelling and insincere letters I have ever read."

Of course Boris's experience mirrored that of mine at Stansted Airport just before Christmas where, except that he got lots of newspaper inches.

And I love him for it.

OK time to tie up the West country adventure.

Having enjoyed a hearty breakfast at the Brewers Fayre in Weymouth we repacked the car and set off. Somehow despite having managed to drink some of the beer and coffee we had brought with us we seemed to have even more stuff than we had yesterday, including the Powder Monkey's bucket of shells.

After a rainy drive through Dorset and Sommerset we arrived at Glastonbury where the impending downpour held off long enough for us to pay a visit to the Chalice Well Gardens where I had a paddle in the healing pool in the hope that it would do something to alleviate my by then extremely painfull ankle, Maybe it was just the cold numbing it, but it did help for a while.

Suitably refreshed from my "dip" it was off to the 100 Monkeys for lunch where I enjoyed a really nice sweet potato and mushroom curry, Mab and Nick had the lentil soup and the Powder Monkley the Houmous salad, washed down with organic cider, beer and the most enormous but delicious strawberry milk shake for the Monkey. All in it came to £35 which was quite good. If you are looking for a nice restauarant in Glastonbury that specialises in organic food I'd strongly recommend the 100 Monkeys.

So that was it and we were on our way back to the adult world of work again and it all seems so long ago now looking back from almost two weeks opn. I hope you have enjoyed the journey with us.

On penultimate day of our holiday we piled everthing in the car and headed off to Lyme Regis to give the Powder Monkey an experience of fossil hunting.

The weather was absolutely appalling, the rain never stopped until we were nearly there. Arriving in the town we found the car parks down by the seafront were all full so we had to park some distance away and yomp down the hill to the town centre whre we paid a visit to the Dinosaurland Museum to find out all about the local heroine Mary anning who first dug an Ichthyosaur out of the Jurassic coastal cliff face back in 1811.

From there it was down onto Monmouth Beach to hunt for fossils, though sadly a recent landslip had rendered part of the beach dangerous with Victorian landfill. The beach gets its name as it was here that the Duke of Monmouth landed in 1685 to lead a rebellion against his uncle King James II (Monmouth was the son of Charles II by his mistress Lucy Walter)

Well we didn't find much to take away but there were some gigantic ammonites to be seen in the rocks and before long lunch beckoned to we were off towards the town where we settled in the Royal Standard where for about £30 we enjoyed prawn, crab and beef sandwiches and local ales.

It was around this time that the Sun came out so we spent the afternoon on the sandy beach in the lee of the Cob, the breakwater made famous by Meryl Streep standing on it in the rain in The French Lieutenants Woman. Mab and the Powder Monkey went for a paddle and I crashed out only to wake with bloody sunburn!

Well after an iced cream it was back to the car for the trip to weymouth where we stayed at the Lodmor Premier Inn. So after a brief freshen up we hit the restaurant which was sadly dissappointing, I had the Cornish Pasty which was to say the least a bit dried up, although Old Nick's steak and ale pie looked quite nice as did Mab's steak. Mind you I think with a Brewer's Fayre you are often safest with the simplest dishes on offer.

then it was time to explore thge delights of Weymouth so we set off along the beach, Old Nick and the Monkey skimming stones as a locals demanded we stop throwing her beach away. Moving swiftly on to the amusement arcade much fun was had losing 10ps in one of those slidey things before heading back to the Hotel for a good snooze.

"What would you like for tea as Mum's out tonight?" I asks the Moff

"Curry" she says so on the way home I drop anchor at Mr Sainsbury's Emporium and buy some chicken, chick peas and spring onions.

On the way back to Rancho Collapso I spy through the Dolland glass the unmistakable vessels of Thames Water, their crews valiently standing around scratching their arses ands flicking ash into the flooded manhole by the water leak that had been steadily bubbling up through the tarmac in the high street, for weeks now.

Arriving safely home a neighbour tells me we have no water and won't have any for some time. Apparently he asked the workmen what was going on and why considering Thames Water must have planned this work judging from the blue paint they had daubed the pavement with, they hadn't bothered to tell their customers that they would have no water. They said of we don't do that anymore Cheers privatised monopoly.

So faced with no water to wash them I put the spring onions in the fridge.

So oil in pan add some cumin seed let it pop then add one chopped onion, two chopped chili peppers, four cloves of chopped garlic. Once the onion has softened add a teaspoon of chili powder and two of curry powder and give it a stir to coat everything. Chuck in a glass of white wine to deglaze the pan followed by a small pack of chopped chicken, once the meat has sealed add a can of drained chick peas. then realise you have no water to make the stock so out of desperation use that can of coconut milk you had been saving for something else. Let that bubble away on a low heat for about ten minutes then serve on a bed of rice.

I had to use bloody Volvic Bottled Water to boil the rice!

Woke up on Friday morning and it was still raining, but undaunted we headed off for Tintagel which was just warming up for the Tintagel Festival.

As we approched the town the weather improved and at least it had stopped bloody raining by the time we had parked up.

Now the highlight of the festival is a recreation of King Arthur's final battle where a lot of people in costume batter the hell out of each other while drunk. Unfortunately the battle was on the Saturday when we would be heading home, but it didn't stop the town from being full of drunken enthusiasts!

We headed off to take a look at the castle, but unfortunately took the wrong road and ended up on the cliff tops by the St Materiana Church, not too much of a problem as the church was quite interesting with some nice stained glass windows and we soon found our way to the path down the cliff to the ruins. The castle is connected to the land only by a narrow pathway and then there is a steep climb to the gatehouse.

While legend has it listed as a home to Uther Pendragon and King Arthur the castle was actually built during the reign of Henry III for the Earl of Cornwall. Although rarely used it must at one time have been quite splendid with a number of buildings set within the walls.

While we up there the Sun decided to come out and I was delighted to catch a glimpse of a peregrine diving from the cliffs as well as seeing lots of other birds including a close up encounter with a jackdaw pulling moss from one of the castle walls, never realised what pretty eyes they had.

After a stroll around the island to see the remains of the chapel, cold store and well we took the path down to the beach where we visited Merlin's cave and the Powder Monkey had a scamper on the beach. On to lunch and we all had pasties except for Mab who enjoyed a very nice fisherman's platter at the English Heritage cafe by the beach (with beer and soft drinks about £30) before the Powder Monkey and I took the Land Rover back up to Tintagel town, a special treat for the Monkey as we got to sit in the front.

Back in the town we enjoyed a mooch in the bookshop and a drink in the Cornishman before heading back to the Lodge.

So back to our Cornish adventure.

Woke up late on Thursday and it was still raining. Spent the morning looking for something fun to do and after feeding the ducks on the patio set off for the Bodmin and Wenford Steam Railway.

The Bodmin General station is located right in the middle of the town of Bodmin and has plenty of free parking for visitors. We decided to buy a rail rover for £10, which gives you the freedom of the whole railway for the day and set off on the 2.15 to Bodmin Parkway where the train turns around (well to be more truthfull the locomotive is unhitched and runs around the carriages to be hitched to the other end, a fascinating process you can watch from the platform) and then on to Boscarne Junction.

We were lucky enough to get one of the steam locos for our trip and its worth checking the timetable just to make sure its a steam rather than a diesel service to avoid any disappointment. The railway does have some classic diesel locos and its good to see that part of our heritage being preserved too, but hell you can't beat a steam engine for pure romance.

On the train Old Nick and I enjoyed a pint of Cornish Knockers - a beer that always comes in pairs according to the chap running the buffet car. Actaully the Knockers were a kind of fairy folk who worked in the tin mines.

Back at Bodmin General we had a look around the engine shed where a lot of restoration work goes on by the railway's volunteers.

"Funny" said Old Nick as we were leaving "I remember when you could smoke on one of those with nobody blathering into a mobile, who says things have got better since then."

That evening we fancied an Indian so we headed off for Tintagel where I had been entranced by the aroma emanating from the Indian Ocean (Atlantic Road, Tintagel) where after the poppadoms we enjoyed onion bhajees, vegetable samozas and shamio kebabs followed by a Chicken Vindaloo for Mab, a Lamb Ceylon for Old Nick, Chicken Tikka for the Powder Monkey and Lamb Pathia for me. The Vindaloo was just about right, the Ceylon deliciously creamy while the Pathia was a gorgeous balance of sweet and sour flavours.

All in a very good meal for about £80 even if the Kingfisher and the Cobra came out of the same tap.

So time is all over the shop thanks to a week with no internet access in Cornwall and having the lovely Mira staying with us over the weekend.

Well here is the last of the dishes I prepared while we were away enjoying the torrentail downpoor that is such an important feature of any English holiday.

spalsh of olive oil goes into the pan followed by one chopped onion, six cloves of chopped garlic, three chopped chili peppers and two bruised stems of lemon grass (had to improvise here by walloping with the back of a knife, being without my trusty claw hammer).

As that is cooking off chuck in three teaspoons of Co-Op curry powder and a glass of Soave from the wine box to deglaze pan. Chop up the remaining chicken breasts and sling em in. Let the meat seal and then chuck in another glass of Soave, some green beans, a chicken stock cube and a tub of creme fraiche and let it cook away on a low heat until the moxture has reduced to a lovely creamy texture.

Serve on a bed of rice

Too much is happening for me to keep up, I'm more than a week behind with the news folks so bear with me while I try to catch up.

Anyway as you have probably deduced from my associates we have the lovely Mira staying with us over the weekend and yesterday we took a trip down to Greenwich. Thankfully we were able to get there on the DLR even if it did take three separate trains. On the way we took at look at the Stratford hoard by the DLR platform an intriguing free exhibition of Victorian forged artefacts dug up locally, worth a look.

Old Nick has already explained what we did and a very pleasant afternoon it was so on the way home I popped into Mr Sainsbury's wee shop and found a nice plump monk fish tail,

"That'll make a fine curry" said Saucy wench Tartare

"Aye especially with some of that there booty from Old Lundun's Chinatown raid" added Bosun Gravy

So we stuffed it in Cook's ditty bag and took the jolly boat home.

So oil in pan turn up heat.

In go, a chopped onion, six chopped cloves of garlic, an inch of chopped fresh ginger, two bruised (with a claw hammer) sticks of lemon grass and four chopped green chilis. Add a dash of sesame oil, one teaspoon of Chinese five spice, two of Chinese curry powder. Peel a pack of chestnut mushrooms chop em up and put em in coat it with the spicy mix then add a glass of Chinese Shoasing Wine to deglaze the pan (dry sherry or vermouth would do for this also) let it bubble away.

Crush a teaspoon of Szechwan pepper corns in a pestle and mortar (or try a plastic bag and a hammer) chuck em in. Take the Monk fish tail and cut the flesh away from the bone. Cut flesh into chunks and in it goes, let it all cook off for a few minutes then chuck in a can of coconut milk and about half as much water. leave to bubble away.

Put on a pan of rice and as it cooks, break up some fine green beans and stick them in the curry. Chop up a pack of coriander, stalks and all chuck them in. When the rice is done bung it on the plate with some dollops of curry on top, yum.

Woke up this morning and it was raining again, took comfort from the fact that Call me Dave was also being rained on and having to deal with three kids complaining about how since he became Tory leader they never had holidays in the Sun anymore so he can be nice and green.

But we are not defeated by rubbish weather are we? No so off we set for the End of England stopping only for a cup of tea at a Brewer's Fayre on the way. Of course this was not without incident as thanks to the UK's potty licensing laws we were made to move from the side of the room we had made ourselves comfy in to the other as we had the Powder Monkey with us, even though it was only 11AM and none of us were boozing.

When we got to Land's End (Parking £3.00) we set off in the howling wind to see what there was to see.

The whole place has become very commercial with a number of paid for audio visual shows and even bizzarely a Dr Who exhibition. We chose the Dr Who Exhibition (£4.00) and the Glebe Farm (£3.00). Dr Who was quite good, but only had stuff from the Ecclestone/Tennant shows. Still we got to see lots of costumes and props including Daleks, Cybermen, K9, the Sontarans and what I thought were the creepiest creatures of all the Weeping Angels.

So onto lunch at the Longships Bar and Restaurant we all had pasty and chips except for Mab, who's Prawn Marie Rose came without any Marie Rose sauce, though the pastys were very nice. With a couple of pints of Tribute and some drinks for the ladies this came to £28 which I didn't think was too bad. On the down side the Longships need to do something about the sticky tables - if cleaning does not work buy some new ones chaps.

After almost being blown off the cliff face looking at the gulls and guillemots we headed off to the Glebe Farm where the Powder Monkey got to make friends with some little bristly pigs, sheep, goats and a very grumpy little Shetland Pony, as well as admiring a very splendid cockerel and his wives.

Attached to the farm is a crafts workshop where you can watch a jeweller at work and admire Marley a rather splendid cat who spends all day snoozing on a cushion on his work top. It turns out that Marley is the son of Big Head the Pirate Cat and the the jeweller is Edward Williams the author of the Pirate Cat books

see http://www.bighead-the-pirate-cat.co.uk/

Well Edward signed a book for the Powder Monkey and showed her the treasure chest from the book from which she was allowed to select a jewell to take away. He also caught her a fairy and put it in her bag with the express instruction not to let it out in case it made holes in her socks. What with sock eating fairies on the loose and the underpants gnomes I'm worried about having any clothes left to wear!

By then time was getting on so we had a look around the shop full of Cornish products that were marked up well above the retail price and other souvenir crap. Then took a look around the small fishing boat and the RNLI lifeboat that are on display before heading back to Camelford.

On the way back we hit a big Tesco for supplies, then it was home for a One Horse Town Curry which went down lovely with Ouzo.

As I said before the West Country is very pretty but the shops were not packed with the biggest range of products, so here is a One Horse Town or Camelford Omelette.

Olive oil in pan, add a chopped onion, what was left over from a pack of that nasty bright pink ham and about six chopped leftover musrooms. Fry off for a bit so the onions soften.

Beat six eggs with a couple of pinches of chili powder and dried herbs add to pan and chuck in what's left of a pack of grated cheese. When the underside is done take off the heat and place under grill to do the top, serve with lashings of Co-Op 99 Tea.

"Oh look there are ducks on the lawn" says Mab looking out of our lodge window as the rain thundered down all over Cornwall.

"I'm surprised there arn't bloody fish" I replied from the bed "just as well we were going to the Eden Project and not to the beach."

So after knocking up a One Horse Town Omeltte for breakfast we were off and what a fascinating day it was too. It cost £15 to get in and you get to range the two biomes and the gardens for as long as you want. In the Rain Forest Biome there were loads of plants from South America, Africa, Indonesia and tropical islands including lots of spices I wish I could have helped myself to.

The Mediterranean Biome was pretty impressive too with loads of figs, tomatoes, peppers and olives along with more ornamental plants, hmm funny how its all about stuff I can eat with me. Oh yeah there are also some fun art installations and an overpriced organic type cafe where the pasties look as if they have been made from builder's plaster, but the Eden Organic Ale was a quite pleasant pint.

Then there was the Zone - an education centre that looked just like it was designed by a trendy geography teacher from Islington, full of screaming kids what a nightmare!

If you are planning a visit I'd suggest avoiding the school holidays though as the place was rammed with other people's kids

So after a wander round the outdoor gardens we hit the shops - more bedlam we headed off to Tintagel where dodging the rain we enjoyed some great fish and chips in the Crossbow with St Austell Tribute Ale for about £9.50 a head.

Back to the Lodge we turned on the TV only to find that David Cameron was on publicity photoshoot family holiday down the road from us in Padstow. I hope Call me Dave was enjoying the weather, now he can't go to Tuscany anymore without betraying his green PR puffery credentials. Still that's the price you get to pay for wanting to ruin run the country.