so said Village People so we did.

Setting sail at an ungodly hour even for a non believer like me we hit Stonehenge at around 9.30, had a wander round taking in the massive surroundings of barrows and in the shop I found a pre-historic cook book too, for under two quid, brilliant!

So back in the motor we headed off for Launceston where we paid a visit to the castle built by William the Conquerors' half brother to keep the Cornish under control. An interesting example of an early Norman castle. So full up on history we headed for our holiday home.

Now where we are staying is very nice and even comes with wifi access and Sky telly, we don't even have that at home, but in the nearest town shopping is a bit limited so its just as well that I had the sense to pack some garlic otherwise I would never have been able to produce five nom (as awarded by the Powder Monkey) pasta with mushrooms and chicken tonight.

Anyone notice all the smoking stories this week.

1 A fellow gets to be 100 having smoked since he was nine. good for him I say but of course all the health Nazis are saying what a bad example the old codger is.

2 A decorator gets fined for smoking in his van by a council snooper who says as a self employed business man its his place of work

3 Amy Whingebag spotted with a fag getting in a cab with a no smoking sign on the door, poor cow will no doubt be blamed for burning down the Hawley Arms next with a discarded dog end.

A more interesting debate took place on the letters pages of Metro where the fitness fascists whinged about how much smoking related illness costs the NHS. About £1.7 million quid a year apparently however smokers pay a whopping £12 billion quid a year in tax which kind of puts that in proportion. Smokers also tend to die earlier than non smokers so there is a saving there on pension payouts too.

I'm not defending smoking and I'm glad I managed to kick the habit but I'm sick of being lectured to by the health Nazis who want us all to stop smoking, drinking, eating eggs or whatever to save health service money. Everybody is going to die sometime and if it is smoking related how is that worse than having to pay out an extra 20 years more pension and then cough up for debilitating illness's of old age faced by tee total non smokers.

Of course now that smokers are on the ropes the health dictators are coming after booze what with all the talk of banning happy hours, warnings on bottles and raising the age to buy booze to 21. Yeah I don't like the binge drinking culture and the violence it spawns, but that is more to do with contemporary bar culture, education and lack of parental responsibility that having a few cheap drinks in a bar.

Finally the lovely Hazel from BT rings me and says its all BT's fault and says don't worry about the £153, have five months free broadband and a bottle of Bolly.

Hurrah!

London Transport's (I refuse to call them Transport for London) Oyster card system wasn't working this morning so I got a free trip in to work.

Wow someone cocks up with technology and I'm £3.50 up on the deal for a change.

The Broadband to Moff's flat is back working. So far I have spoken to at least nine different people at BT on two continents. The record in one phone call lasting at least half an hour was four individuals all of whom I had to explain the problem to once again. I have also had to write to the corporate press office and complain to Ofcom.

Now I have received a bill from BT by e-mail for closing the account that we never asked to be closed that includes a one off charge of £153, presumably for closing the account before the contract expires. Of course BT never thought to contact this e-mail address when they decided to close the account without our permission.

Naturally I don't expect to have to pay this and someone from BT is supposed to call me today to discuss compensation for calls and alternative internet provision, however I'm fairly confident that I will also have to make the running here too.

Just spoke to the Moff and despite BT's hope that Broadband would be restored yesterday evening it still hasn't.

So I have e-mailed the manager dealing with this complaint for her to pick up tomorrow after she is nice and rested after her day off.

Hopefully BT's engineers will soon finish polishing the photons in the magic cable and restore the service as soon as the the astrological portents are favourable.

Or perhaps they might just like to plug whatever thing they need in and turn it on instead of batting excuses between departments.

Just after lunch somone from BT rang to say they were just dotting the I's and crossing the Ts and broadband might be restored tonight.

I asked why it was taking so long and was told that all sorts of technical stuff had to be done

"What did you have to dig up the road and do things to the cables?"

"No"

"Then what did you have to do the cable is already there in the flat and had broadband before you cut it off, the phone has been back on since Sunday so whats the big problem?"

"Well our engineers have to perform all sorts of tests"

Can't be sure but that sounds like tell him something technical to make him think its much more complicated that just plugging something in if you ask me.

So despite all the assurances that they are working hard to sort the terminated broadband at the Moff's flat out (the one BT terminated on the word of a total stranger)a whole day (Tuesday) passes without any body making any effort to contact me. I write two e-mails to the address that the customer care manager (who took ownership of the case for Monday only to go on extended leave until January on leaving the office that evening). BT choose to ignore them, not even giving me the courtesy of an acknowledgement. This is just rude and confirms my opinion that this arrogant organisation could not give a stuff for existing customers.

This morning I find an e-mail timed at 4.10 pm Tuseday from yet another BT person saying they have taken over the case. I pen an e-mail back asking for some information about when the service will be restored and outlining some of my gripes about the way BT have handled the case. Just for the record these include being passed from pillar to post, being given misinformation, the general unwillingness of BT staff to take ownership of a problem and the fact that the only person who did went on holiday that very evening.

At least this person has the decency to reply if only to say someone is looking into it. Of course having an e-mail from a named person at the organisation gives me an idea of how BT e-mail addresses are formatted so I made sure that the e-mail was copied to the Chairman and Chief Executive.

As yet no reply but I have determined to write to the DTI to highlight BT's inadequate checks on potential customers when on the scent of a sale.

Lets see what happens today.

Ring Ring

"Hello Russian Telecom how can I help you"

"Hello I'm moving to a new address and would like to set up phone and broadband services."

"OK customer can I have your name please?"

"Mr Vladimir Lenin and my partner Mr Leon Trotsky"

"And what is the new address?"

"The Winter Palace St Petersburg"

"Let me just call that up on the screen there Mr Lenin. terrible weather we are having right now isn't it? got anything good planned at the weekend?"

"Well me and the boys are just hanging loose nothing too revolting"

"I have the details on the screen now, a Mr N Romanov and family are listed at this address at present"

"Yes they are moving to Siberia and I'm taking over the rental"

"OK Mr Lenin we have done that for you, I have terminated Mr Romanov and his family and your phone and broadband will be up and running by November anything else we can do for you?"

"Not today thanks"

"Thank you for calling RT"

Shortly after my complaint to Of-com was logged someone from the BT chairman's office rings, I run through my complaint again, she makes a couple of sympathetic noises and says she will try to have the matter urged as a priority, I say why can't you just turn it back on?

I get the spiel about orders and how it takes a week to get a broadband service set up, (I can't imagine why this is do they have to dig up the cables and turn little taps on to let the magic photon beams down the cables perhaps.) Apparently it takes a week to close it down too, well I would not know that as they chose to close the connection down while Moff was away! and a denial of the previous admission that they had not followed the proper procedure.

I argue that we never asked for it to be terminated etc and that I am sick to the back teeth of people at BT who just seem to try and find excuses not to do anything or take ownership of the problem.

She says that she is taking ownership of the problem and will ring me back when she knows more about what is going on.

A little later she rings back to say they are trying to get the service reconnected as a priority, but someone else is taking it over as she (the person who has just taken ownership) will now be off until January. I wish her well in her time off.

All the time BT stick to this nonsense about duty of care to new customers and when I question the setting up of an internet service at an address just on the basis of someone asking for it with not a shred of evidence of who they are or that the address is genuine I get the line that customers would soon complain if they did that. Well I'm complaining now that they don't and BT don't like it.

Lets see what happens tomorrow

Someone from BT calls this morning to ask if an engineer can visit, I tell her that the phone line is now working but the broadband isn't. She says it won't be connected until Thursday because of orders needing to be raised etc.

Hang on someone at BT told me the service would be resummed by the latest today (Monday) She then started the it wasn't me that said that game and the it takes so long to raise an order excuse so I say.

"So its just your internal bureaucracy preventing you from reconnecting the service that you should never have cut off in the first place"

Her reply "If you choose to interpret it that way"

Well as you can imagine I was a bit unhappy about that on top of the other issues, so I told the young lady that I was going to complain to Of-com. I could tell by her attitude that BT now regard me as a difficult crank just because I want them to reconnect the service and won't give up.

I then hear that Moff has had a text message saying that the service will be reconnected not by Thursday but on 28 July.

Galvanised into action I drop another note to the corporate Press Office and ring Of-com where a very nice chap listens patiently to my complaint, takes it all down and gives me a complaint no and tells me to phone the BT office that deals with Of-com complaints.

Call the number and speak to a very weary sounding chap, who is very apologetic, takes down the details, admits that BT did not properly follow procedure in terminating the account and promises to get a complaint handler to call me back.

tune in later to see what happens.

The Trainline site where you can book rail tickets on line has now decided to charge an extra 50p for booking with a debit card and 50p just to pick the ticket up from a station ticket machine.

Why not just add a pound to the ticket price quoted rather than hit people with extra charges once they have booked.

Just another example of how basically dishonest big companies are!

Thursday afternoon about 6.30pm

The Moff gets back to Uni town and rings

"Hello Dad I'm back home but BT have cut off my phone and internet and we have been on the phone since 3.30 this afternoon and no one seems to know when I can have it back cos they say I asked them to cancel it and I didn't and it might be two days or two weeks before I can get reconnected but I don't know whats going on cos Grandad and I have been on the phone to them all afternoon and they keep hanging up and no body at BT wants to help me".

Cook rings BT customer services gets put through to call centre in India explains situation and asks for call back from manager in Britain, call handler very apologetic and promises someone will call back in half an hour.

No one does, Cook is not in the least surprised, so he looks up BT corporate HQ on internet, finds press office number and calls it. Duty Manager answers phone, Cook explains problem and duty manager promises to get someone to call back.

9.50 someone who claims to be Customer Service Manager rings just as Cook's dinner comes out of the oven,to tell me that the reason they cancelled the service was because someone contacted BT sales and said they were taking over the service from Moff's address so thats why they terminated the line.

Cook "But we never asked you to"

BT "Yes but we have a care of duty to new customers to set up their service when they ask for it"

Cook "Yes But its our address and we never asked you to terminate the existing service"

BT "We did write to confirm that you were moving on June 26"

Cook "But my daughter was not moving and we never received a letter from you and even if it was delivered my daughter would have been back in London anyway what with term having ended did it never occur to you to send an e-mail to the billing address for example after all people in summer are often away on holiday, but can check e-mails from anywhere"

BT "No we only ever send one letter by mail in cases like this"

Cook "So if someone is away on holiday you just cut them off should someone tell you they are moving?"

BT "yes because we have no way of knowing that they are not"

Cook "But this is obviously a mistake perhaps someone gave you the wrong address or someone at BT took it down wrong"

BT "We can only act on what customers tell us"

Cook " Be that as it may what are you going to do about the reconnecting the service"

BT "Oh you will have to ring this number as its a different department that deals with that gives number"

Cook "And this will put me straight through to someone who can solve the problem because I don't want to be shoved from pillar to post like my daughter has been today?"

BT "Yes"

Cook "But why can't you do it after all your supposed to be a customer service manager and its obviously your mistake"

BT "You will have to ring this number tomorrow as they close at 9PM tonight and no one will be there now because its a different department that deals with Broadband"

I won't bore you with the rest of the ultimately pointless conversation I had with the so called customer service manager other than to say whats the point of people in customer services if all they are going to do is ask you to call back later on a different line, especially as its a problem the company have created themselves. Incensed I went back to the website and penned a note to the corporate press office hoping it might rattle someones tree.

Friday morning ring the number BT gave me, explain the situation, get put through to call centre in India, explain situation again, get put through to someone in the UK, explain all over again, operator gets supervisor, explain again, get put on hold for about thirteen adagios from Eine Kleine Nachtmusik then told its a priority case and someone will ring me back in an hour.

Get reply from corporate press office saying they are looking into it, pen one back saying that I have already spent half an hour speaking top four different people on two continents this morning.

Three hours later someone calls, obviously a bit rattled as the fact that I have contacted the chairman's office is mentioned, told the service would be reconnected today (it wasn't) or at the latest Monday.

You know what annoys me its the fact that BT won't admit that they made a mistake and keep reiterating this nonsense about their duty of care to new customers wanting to set up accounts, well perhaps if they checked out whether new customers were actually taking over the addresses they claim they are they would not mess up existing customers who pay their bills on time. The fact that someone can seemingly set up an internet account at someone else's address on the basis of a phone call makes me wonder how secure BT's systems are in preventing ID fraud, as far as I can see in their quest for new customers they are not secure at all.

Why is it to resolve a problem with BT I have had to speak to 8 people in two continents and write two e-mails to the Corporate Press Office?

According to scientists working on the use of cannabis in treating cancer one of the potential uses for the drug is to stimulate the appetite.

I wonder if that research involved trying to find an all night service station with a limitless stock of Malteasers and cheese and onion crisps?

On the way home tonight Bosun Gravy spotted these chicken friendly RSPCA approved chicken legs reduced to £1.20 the pair in Mr Sainsbury's Emporium.

"They be too good to let go cook especially as they be corn fed" so we stuffed them in the ditty bag and set off for safe harbour at full sail.

Back on board the Starfish I bunged the chicken legs in the oven at 200 degrees for 20 minutes and in the meantime sloshed some sunflower oil in the pan with a dash of sesame oil for extra flavour at high heat. Two stems of lemon grass got hammered and slung in, plus six chopped cloves of garlic, three chopped fresh green chili peppers, six chopped dry red chilis, an inch of chopped ginger and one chopped onion. as this browned off in went a punnet of chopped mushrooms, two desert spoons of Chinese Curry powder, two of Chinese five spice , a slosh of dark soy sauce and a good slosh of Shaosing Chinese wine (sherry or vermouth would doif you don't have any). Turn the heat down at this point or everthing will end up incinerated.

By the time all this was done the chicken was cooked so out of the oven it came to be shredded off the bone and bunged in the curry pan. Rice went onto boil (15 minutes and counting) and some water bunged in the curry to moisten it followed by a chicken stock cube and a pack of de-stringed sugar snap peas. Just before serving up add a pot of creme fraiche and give it a good stir.

Lovely so it was spooned over the rice

"Would you like to go to the zoo? "asks Queene Mab.

Well who wouldn't

Well before long we were queing outside the zoo's entrance as the turnstile staff failed miserably to cope with the number of people who had the same idea. I guess this is beacuse at £15.50 a pop hardly any family group is going to pay cash and then you get the "would you like to make a voluntary donation?" (what on top of £15.50 are you joking?) question and then "would you like to gift aid your entrance fee?" Ordinarily I'd say yes to the gift aid, but had by the time we got to the turnstile (about 30 - 45 minutes) lost the will to live.

Still I hadn't been to London Zoo for ages, so I was delighted to see haw much better it has got since we last took the Moff there.

First up was the Gorilla Kingdom and it was great to see the large paddock the gorillas have got where they have plenty of room to either interact with or get away from each other.

Next up was lunch and we had a jolly nice piri piri chicken wrap (£4.95) from a kiosk that was in my opinion rather insensitivly selling roast port baggettes next door to the old Elephant House which is now home to family of wild pigs!

From there we wandered on to the big cats who were of course all asleep in the Sun and then to the woolly monkey enclosure which is another of these walk through enclosures where you can get right up close to the little critters.

Biodiversity Underpinning Global Survival is the new name for the exhibit that was the Web of Life, and handily also spells Bugs, you can meet lots of ctreepy crawlies in this exhibit which also houses a few more advanced life forms and explains why biodioversity and conservation are so important in an easy to understand but non patronising fashion.

Another new exhibit is the restored Blackburn Pavillion which is a Victorian Birdhouse that I think used to be full of cages and the Humming bird enclosure. The whole interior has been ripped out and aside from some roomy aviaries for toucans and hornbills there is a marvellous walk through aviary where you can get quite close to the birds, with an annexe for the humming birds. Outside the Pavillion is a fantastic clock, based upon Victorian mechanical toys, that puts on a display on every half hour, very eccentric and worth hanging about to see.

To my horror I discovered that the 1930s Art Deco Penguiin pool no longer is home to anything other than some sculpture, but later found the little chaps in a pool by the shop, including a pair of rockhoppers with their comic eyebrow feathers. These two had been moved to London from Whipsnade for fighting with the penguins there. I also spied a heron on the roof of a nearby building who was waiting to grab a free fish dinner come feeding time.

Taking the tunnel under the road we paid a visit to what used to be the Clore Pavillion (Now I think called the Small Mammal House) which has also been refurbished since my last visit. It now boasts its own rain forest in the centre where a variety of monkeys and other creatures can run around as much as they like well except for the sloth who obviously wasn't doing any running!

With that it was almost time to go so with a quick visit to the Cape Hunting Dogs the Otters, Meer Cats and the Giraffes we headed back home.

So aside from all the mucking about to get in it was a fun afternoon and its good to see so many lage enclosures where the animals have space to be animals. We didn't get there early enough to see everything, but we did have a very enjoyable day out.

While wandering through old London town yesterday I just happened to pass through Horseguards in time to watch the changing of the guard there.

It was the turn of the Life Guards, (the ones with the red tunics)and very interesting it was too, especially how the young lads managed to understand the incomprehensible word mangling from their NCO, mind you he did have the chinstrap of his helmet covering his gob at the time!

Just before witnessing this I had spent an hour and a half in the Cabinet War Rooms and Churchill Museum, fascinating stuff and well worth a visit if you are down this way. The exhibition at Clive Steps, King Charles Street SW1 shows you where Churchill and his cabinet and Chiefs of Staff directed the progress of World War Two from underneath the Admiralty seemingly in a permanent fug of pipe, fag and cigar smoke. You can see the cabinet meeting room, operations rooms for home defence and VI plotting, communication equipment, offices, kitchens and the rooms where people kipped. All recreated in meticulous detail even down to the chamber pots beneath the camp beds.

And included in the price of the ticket (£12) is the Churchill Museum where you can learn all about the guy and see some of his stuff including the uniforms, siren suit, spotted bow tie and legendary bowler hat.

Wee Gordon says finish your plate, but then Call me Dave says if you are a fatty its your own fault.

Now joking aside I suppose Mr Broone's advice is really quite sensible and we can all save a few pennies by only buying the food we need and not chucking stuff out. Trouble is many of us now lead lives that leave little time for daily shopping trips and have to plan a weeks worth of menus round one or two big shops

Got in this morning and thought what's all that crap doing on my desk, then realised two more desks had been stuck on the end of our block while I was away and it was Spiderman's brother's crap on his own desk and mine was almost clear.

Lots of new desks have turned up on our floor as weird Inc prepares to move people down from upstairs where Old Nick works so they can tart up bring upp to standard his floor. I might even get him as a new neighbour.

there goes the neighbourhood!

One of the things we liked eating in Santorini was this hot cheese dip, which you could buy ready made in supermarkets as well. So having read what was on the label here is my go at it.

First take six cloves of garlic, peel em, roughly chop and put em in your blender. Add some pickled chili peppers (I had some jalopeno peppers open so I used them) how many you use depends upon how hot you like it, but I used about two teaspoons full, a block of Greek Feta cheese and about half a tub of a soft cream cheese (150 grams) like Philadelphia. Chuck in two teaspoons of paprika and blitz adding a splash of olive oil and some of the vinegar from the chili jar to stop the mixture from being too dry.

Serve up with some nice crusty bread

Here I am in the jacuzzi,

its not all decadence you know, its Sprite Zero in the ouzo!

Some more Santorini

Here I am enjoying a wee drinkie in Oia

And here is Noodles murdering a flower, she has lovely red splashes on her tabby markings, no doubt inherited from her tortoiseshell mum

Attention all you scurvy curs I have been press ganged again as the good ship Chocolate Starfish has joined Captain Jack Sparrow's squadron for pillaging and plundering on the Seven salty seas

Have you joined The Crew?

http://the-black-pearl-crew.blog.co.uk/

It's something I have puzzled over for many years as to exactly why so many things in Greece were painted blue and white, from churches to hotel complexes.

I have now uncovered some hitherto unknown evidence of an advanced culture that must have bridged the late Byzantine and early Venetian periods which explains why this is.

OK here I am on the deck of the Starfish keeping look out for suitable prizes

And here is a pic of a rather nice fore and aft rigged little boat under sail, we gave chase but she got away despite a ranging shot across her bows, she were too fast us!

This is me looking windswept and interesting at Oia, as you can see it was quite breezy that day!

and here are some pictures of the dinner we had at the Roka Taverna first Queen Mab's mixed meat, veg and cheese steamed in its own juices in greaseproof paper, it smelt gorgeous.

And here is the stewed beef with tomato the Old Nick and I enjoyed, (plus a scraped clean fava plate)

Home again at last!

Our last day started with smuggling Noodles some breakfast from the buffet and then letting her enjoy rolling around in the bed as we didn't need it anymore, Transfer wasn't too bad, Airport was well a Greek Airport, not as crazy as Heraklion though. No airport experience is complete without some idiot in security finding something suspect in your baggage and this time it was a pack of double A batteries in mine that resulted in two Greek cops getting hysterical.

Tiny (not really) duty free shop where we bought some ouzo (6 litres, up yours Gordon Broooone)not bad at around €8 a litre but not as cheap as the shops outside so thanks to the pointless security regulations the Airport made a neat profit! OK flight, then long pointless queue for the Daily Mail, sorry UK Border Police to examine our passports. (Come on Gordon lets be grown up Europeans and join Schengen Now!) Hideous trip back home on the M25 Car Park to face punishing stares from Ship's Cats One and Two, so I cooked us all a Special Cook's Chili with a can a Guinness in it to perk us all up.

Wow yesterday was Canada Day apparently, so the lads at the Soul Bar had a a special on. 4 Euros for a shot of Tequila and a Corona, not sure how that works as as far as I can remember the USA separates Canada from both of these drinks, but what the hell apparently mum was away and the naughty boys could play thrash metal and get us all pissed. Some Canadians even turned up.

Woke up this morning with Noodles the kitten hammering on our door, guess we must have been late for her breakfast, So in other news lazed around some more, had nice salad for lunch followed by lazing and a jacuzzi. Our new next door neighbours, caught us enjoying it again, they must be getting sick of the bloody hippies drinking cocktails in their jacuzzi in the Sun, especially as they don't have one!

But then who said life was fair.