Ceridwenscauldron

I see some holiday makers are fter compo for finding their hotel full of Germans, well when we went to Greece last year it was full of Greek people and Hungary was full of Hungarians so where's that lawyer's phone no

and oh yeah in Scotland hardly anyone was wearing a kilt so I want some for that too.

A news report on the BBC conbfirms that our Prime Manager wee Gordy is now calling voters at home to discuss Labour policy.

Thank fuck I'm ex-directory!

What a good idea when you may ask?

When the oil runs out of course silly.

Designed to be an oasis of carbon neutral living with no cars the city is tipped to become a major tourist attraction and corporate conference venue.

Guess the Airport won't be inside the city limits then.

Saw a bit of the Eurovision Song Contest while in the bar at Old Nick's Hotel.

Now I'm not a Eurovision fanatic as most of the music is a bit rubbish, OK I did have a bit of a laugh when those metal heads from Finland won a couple of years ago, but some of the entries, notably the Latvian pirate and the very gay Azeri angels did raise a titter.

However the voting has got a bit silly, with different blocks seemingly voting for their neighbours and forming regional alliances rather than going by the individual merits or otherwise of the performances.

Having said that the British entry was very, very poor indeed. Why is it that a country that has done more to shape the contemporary music scene than any other in the world, that has bred the likes of the Beatles, Stones, the Pistols and Zeppelin can only manage a bloke who was runner up on a TV talent show is quite beyond my comprehension.

Oh yeah and how come Isreal gets a go? Last time I looked Isreal was in Asia. So how come Jordan, Lebanon, Palestine, Syria and Iraq don't get a go?

This weekend we decided to take the train up to Edinburgh instead of the plane. This is how we got on.

Tube to Kings Cross only £3.50 for two of us with Oyster Cards free for the others instead of Taxi to airport at £40 so we are already £33 ahead.

No check in queue, security queue, making people take their shoes off and checking their stupid bags of liquid, no six mile hike to gate, no gate queue, no queue to get on plane or hanging about wasting money on stuff you don't want in airport shops just because you are bored for two to three hours.

Get on train fare on the way up £27 no taxes or security charges. Much more leg room and you can take your own water and stuff onto the train rather than buy it at airport rip off rates.

Watch scenery go by see Durham Cathedral, The Angel of the North, the bridges over the Tyne and Lindisfarne Island.

Arrive centre of Edinburgh four and a half hours later, no waiting for baggage, walk to flat save £5 Airport Shuttle bus fare and another hour of travelling.

Much less stressfull, Takes around the same time with all the waiting factored in, no getting up in the middle of the night for a cab, no passports or ID needed, much more civilsed and cheaper too.

No Brainer if you ask me.

I was very disturbed to see the report that City of London Police had threatened a 15 year old lad with prosecution for waving a banner with the legend "Scientology is not a religion , it is a dangerous cult" outside the Church's London HQ. According to the reports the Rozzers had had complaints and thought it was likely to cause a breach of the peace.

Fortunately common sense has prevailed and the threat was withdrawn, but it bothers me that any "religion" (and I use this in the widest possible way) resorts to this kind of heavy handed response to criticism. The Scientologists seem particularly paranoid about dissenting voices, which only makes me think that they are deeply afraid of people seeing through all their mumbo jumbo and revealing what their true agenda is.

I find myself reminded of Marx's remark that religion is opium for the people, and it can be just as dangerous to those who become addicted.

While I was on my way home tonight I cut through the local Sainsbury's car park and noticed the sign put up with the prices for parking.

"Parking for up to two hours refunded if you spend £5 in store. Excludes kiosk purchases"

Now what would you buy in the kiosk for a fiver?

Er a packet of fags maybe

So if you want a packet of fags its gonna cost you to park on top of the price of the gaspers.

What next parking, refunded except for fat people, they need the exercise don't they?

The Home Office has decided to fund a Sky TV fly-on-the-wall documentary series on the Border Police. Shot at Dover and Heathrow this is to reassure the Daily Mail sorry us that the government has a grip on illegal immigration.

There are a number of things here that I have a problem with.

1. That's my (and your) tax money they are throwing away

2. They are throwing it away on a reality TV show that will only be watched by a few thousand people

3. My tax money is going into Rupert Murdoch's pocket

4. People's genuine misery is going to be exposed as entertainment for racists and xenophobes and I think that is just wrong

While I was filling in my tax return I had a browse through the robbing bastids Inland Revenue's website to see what I could claim back.

If you happen to be a member of professional society like the British Medical Association of the Design and Art Directors Association you can claim your membership fees against your tax. Many of these societies offer similar benefits to trade unions which is dandy for many people who are in high income jobs. However trade union dues to the likes of Unite or the USDAW are not.

Seems a bit unfair that the lower paid get stuffed like this.

However I was amused to see that members of the Guild of Beer Writers were entitled to claim. Just deserts for such a noble calling

It was with great sadness that we got up to leave Stockholm on Saturday. Mira was there at the bus garage to give us a goodbye hug and we were off. On the way to Skavska I kept an eye out for wildlife and was rewarded by seeing a roe deer munching on the grass verge.

At the airport after passing through the mercyfully quick security (no nonsense with shoes huzzah)we discovered that the area was in the grip of its annual Rhubarb Festival

Ignorant city boy that I am I didn't realise that Rhubarb is so versatile and you can even make rhubarb cocktails

However at nearly a tenner I thought I'd stick to the beer.

Now thanks to the Daily Mail's British government's refusal to treat us as adult Europeans we had to wait to be processed through the Swedish border before boarding our flight home unlike those happy folks on their way to Italy or Spain, but at least it did afford us the amusement of watching the Swedish border cops strolling through the airport in their combat fatigues swinging their datestamps in a heroic mannner.

The flight back was OK but at just over two hours in those seats I was was well pleased to get off. Typically when we got to the new expensively branded (with our tax money) UK Border there was a huge queue while passports were examined in great detail by now the expensively uniformed (with our tax money) UK Border Police.

Now I'd like to see the UK join the Schengen countries so we can travel without all this rubbish just like the Germans, French, Swedes and other Europeans can. Sweden can manage this with its generous social security system so why can't we?

Having said our farewells to Meno the night before, we went pillaging the local shops while Mira saw her on to the Airport bus. Well laden down with treasure we took Mira hostage once more and set off for Gamla Stan the old town.

On the way Spudsey press ganged a couple of likely locals Viking Ron

And Erik the troll

Gamla Stan was gorgeous but by now we were starvin fit to bust so when Mira pointed out Jerusalem Kebab we were in like a shot for falafel kebabs and other Palestinian delicacies, good value at about 50 SEK (£5) a person. After a refreshing pint at Kaffekoppen it was on to the City Museum where we got some idea of the city's history before heading off for a wander round the southern part and another pint at Hogbergs, a workers pub before enjoying some fried herring from this stall

it was fantastic with a dill sauce, red onion and cucumber and very good value at around £4.

The day was topped off with a few drinks at our hotel before treating Mira to a Thai meal as thanks for being such a great host. It was delicious, but unfortunately I can't remember the name of the restaurant. Still at only 92 SEK for all four of us including beers not bad value.

After a hearty breakfast the crew hurtled down to the hotel lobby to be hugged once more by Mira and Meno.

"Where are we going today?" I asked

"Off to see the Vassa you piratey types" replied Mira and off we went.

The Vassa was a huge (for the times) warship of 64 guns that sank on its maiden voyage in 1628. Thanks to the low salinity of the Baltic's water she wasn't eaten by marine ship worm so when the archeologists found the hulk they were able to raise her and now she is conserved and on display in her own museum in Dyurgaden Stockholm (90 SEK to get in).

What I liked about the museum was that although you could not board the ship you could view it from a height and this certainly helped to give me a much greater understanding of how these ships worked. Mind you given the height of her stern it was no surprise that she was so unstable that she capsized.

From there we wnt on to join Mira for lunch at a restaurant nearby called I think the Blue Door (Bla Porten). I had herrings with boiled spuds, very good it was too for about nine quid.

Then on the cultural museum at Skansen (90 SEK) this is a hufge open air park with lots of old buildings and typical Swedish wildlife. We didn't have much time left that afternoon but we did enjoy watching the grey seals, reindeer, elk, owls and the bears who had a fox rooting about in their enclosure. There were also a lot birds enjoying the park including fieldfares, hooded crows and house sparrows that you don't see so often in the UK.

The big treat for me though was as we were looking towards the opposite shore a red squirrel gamballed out of the undergrowth and ran around our feet, never seen one in the wild before.

So then after a pricey pint (45 SEK about £4.50) at Strandbryggan, a bar on a jetty we hopped on the bus to Stockholm central to visit a SystemBloget.

These are the state owned stores that have a monopoloy on the booze trade. A hangover from the days when the Lutheran church looked down on fun, some of these are pretty grim places where you have to buy your booze from behind a screen. The one Mira took us to was more of a big booze supermarket and the stuff was just flying off the shelves as happy Swedes prepared to get pissed.

Now people say Sweden is pricey for booze, but to be fair though I didn't see much differance between the prices there and in the UK. Having stocked up on drinkies it was back to Mira's flat, stopping only to buy some pasta and for Nick and I to find some more products with rude names in the supermarket. He he the Swedish version of Felix catfood is Pussi.

Once again Mira treated us to a delicious home cooked meal, this time pasta with pine nuts and porchini mushrooms before well stuffed, we boarded the train back to our hotel.

Ha it took Mr Wolf to do it but the computer here is fixed

Huzzah for Mr Wolf

Normal ranting can now continue as ever before!

The happy crew set off afore daylight to the hellhole called Stansted Airport where we took advantage of Ryanair's on-line check in and avoided that pointless queue at the check in desks, quite like this idea.

Sailed briskly through the liquid and shoe police to pick up a few bottles in the duty free (although it isn't really duty free in the EU or often cheaper than your local supermarket) as booze is reputed to be quite expensive in Sweden and then off to the gates where we joined the rest of the people in the priority queue for on-line check in. Now because its cheaper and quicker to check in on line the Ryanair priority queue is longer than the one for the rest of the passengers!

This was our second time with Ryanair (Ireland two weeks before was the first) and to be honest I thought the flights were better than I had been led to expect from the airline's reputation, although the bright yellow interior trim was a bit overpowering and the seats became very uncomfortable towards the end of the flight, but it was very cheap. Much amusement was had when the Captain introduced himself as Captain Anus McAnus, or something very similar.

On arrival at Skavska we bought our bus tickets to town (250SEK return about £25 not too bad for 100km) and settled down to watch the scenery pass by and I was delighted to spot a Red Kite hunting over a field.

When we got to Stockholm it was raining and following the directions from the hotel's website we were soon lost. so out came the guidebook and eventually we were dropping off the bags at the Hotel Adlan before popping out for an Iskander Kebab at the street corner. Not bad value for Sweden at about 65SEK (£6.50) but could have done with a bit more chilli in the sauce.

When I got back to the Hotel we were gripped in bear like hugs by both Meno and Mira who had missed us at the bus station, but had determinedly tracked us down. So after a brief freshen up we were whisked off on the scenic route to Mira's flat, stopping only to buy some salmon at the supermarket where Old Nick and I got told off for photographing products that sounded rude in English (see Old Nick's blog. did we let that stop us? Hell no.

At the flat we met the pigeons and I got busy with a corkscrew while our lovely hostess dished up to homemade houmous and the baked Salmon with a caviar and dill sauce. It was delicious, what a wonderful lady she is.

Only too early we had to catch the train back to our hotel, so after more hugs we were off on a huge Swedish Railways train looking forward to what the following day would bring.

I have had to research some legendary animals for one of the products I am working on and some of the stuff is pretty weird.

Try this the Bonnacon is a bull like animal with the mane of a horse and turned around horns. Not too strange yet I admit but if you get it scared at can crap poo that burns over a distance of three furlongs.

Hmm think the peasants have been on the ergot of rye milord

Fantastic picture of those Bobfocs from Sex in the City at last night's London premiere of the film version of that tedious nonsense about shoes and shagging, on the front page of today's Metro.

Kim Cattrell looks like she has a had green spikey hairdo thanks to the position of the plume on Sarah Jessica Parker's magnificently stupid hat.

An excellent testimony to the Picture Editor's art

Having been so busy with our trip to Ireland last week I only got round to opening the little pile of trade newspapers that had piled up over the last two weeks on Saturday morning.

So imagine my glee on finding the week before last's PR Week with the story that goes "Ken will win but Boris winning PR War says PRCA" (Public Relations Consultants Association). Got that a bit wrong chaps.

Then in the following week PR Week's big story is "Boris to Slash London PR Jobs".

Wonder why?

Mind the PRCA didn't get it as wrong as as Call me Dave did.

Fades back to Tory HQ last year, Call me Dave and spin doctors are enjoying a glass of organic water and a tasty dolphin and radicchio wrap.

Call me Dave: "What can we do with that buffoon Boris Johnson, he is always getting in my way with his bicycle and outspoken ways"

"yes Leader and since he is the only member of the Tory Party with any pesonality or chracter left unpurged, a potential threat to your leadership when the electorate realise you are just as rubbish as Gordon Brooon."

"yes I know, but I had a wizard wheeze last night - lets put him up against newt boy as London Mayor!"

"Brilliant idea Leader, he will never win and then he will get cheesed off with politics and go back to making an arse of himself on the telly."

"Any of those rocket and Condor egg ciabattas left?"

Of course the first Boris initiative banning booze from public transport, has been a great success we never saw no one at all swigging wine from plastic glasses(sophisticated eh?) or necking Magners out of the bottle on the DLR when we came home from Greenwich.

Saturday Morning.

"Shipscook the computer ain't working"

Phones computer company speaks to robot gets put on hold to rubbish 80s music.

"Hello what seems to be the problem?"

"Oh I turn the machine on and the screen goes black"

"Whats the doodad code"

"Where will I find that?"

"On a label on the computer"

"OK"

Gets onto floor and eventually finds tiny sticker grey with white copy so its really hard to read in the reduced light of under the table world.

"Its blah blah"

"Can you call back Monday to friday"

"Why"

"well there are no technicians on duty till then"

"Why didn't you tell me that before I had to crawl about on the floor?"

"Thank you for calling goodbye."

So we had no computer for the weekend calls again this morning, goes through the doodad number thing.

"Whats the problem?"

"I turn it on and the screen goes black"

"What colour does the screen go?"

"Black"

"so the screen goes black"

"yes"

"Are you in front of it now?"

"No I'm at work and the computer is at home"

"Oh you need to be in front of it so we can trouble shoot what's wrong"

"yes but from Monday to Friday I'm at work"

"well we have people here between 8.00 and 7.00 Saturday"

"But when I rang on Saturday I was told there was no one in technical support and to call back on Monday"

"Ah its a new intiative the operator prtobably didn't know about it"

I can see this won't be as easy as I thought

Driving home through Hackney I spied a little dog step off the pavement into the road. His Neanderthal owner started shouting at him and when the dog returned walloped him as did the idiot's girlfriend.

People like that don't deserve to have animals. If the poor creature had been on a lead, as any responsible owner should have a dog in an urban environment, it would never have happened. And the poor little creature should have been praised for coming back when called not walloped. What a pair of lowlife scum those two were.

Then I witnessed an idiot cyclist shoot a red light and then swear at the oncoming motorist into who's path (and right of way) he steered before almost running down a bunch of pedestrians on a zebra crossing, who had the temerity to think that they were safe what with the lights being in their favour and everything. While I agree cycling is very green I am puzzled as to why so many cyclists are such a bunch of psychotic selfish bastards who think the highway code only applies to motorists and that pedestrians are merely targets.

"This here supermarket has bugger all in it" exclaimed Saucy Wench Tartare as she searched high and low for mushrooms.

"And there be no cherry toms or any toms at all in this scurvy veg locker" added Master Surgeon Tripe

From his position behind the empty trolly Bosun Gravy, shook his head despondently "Cook what are we going to eat tonight? I'm starvin and Spudsey needs something other than grog to line his rumblin guts."

"Well there be some chicken, tortilla wraps and some sauces here lets go Mexican!" I replied.

Ok this is how it came together.

Into a pan of hot oil chuck two chopped onions, six or seven smashed cloves of garlic and six chopped chile peppers (reduce if you don't like it too hot). Let it cook off for a bit, reducing the heat and adding two teaspoons Garum Massalla, a teaspoon of paprika before chucking in two finely sliced chicken breasts.

Let them fry off for a bit then add a glass of white wine and two teaspoons of Dijon Mustard and a handfull of freshly chopped Coriander. Let this reduce and then split the contents of the pan between six tortillas, add some grated cheese, roll em up and put em on the plate.

Add dollops of sour cream and chive dip, guacomole and tomato salsa to the plate. I'd have made my own salsa by chopping some red onion, tomato and coriander together had the supermarket had any decent tomatos.

I read in today's Metro that one of Boris Johnson's bright ideas for tackling crime is to install airlport style scanners at railway stations. To be fair this patently daft idea has already been put forward by Torylite New Labour so he can't take all the blame.

This just won't work, the average train takes far more passengers than an aircraft and there just is not time to screen all the passengers in the limited time that a train is being made ready. To prevent terrorists from joining the train elsewhere it would also be necessary to install security screening at every railway station in the UK, many of which are not even manned, not to mention railway/tube/metro interchanges.

And while on the subject of Airport security I could not help notice that the staff at Stansted Airport were asking every other passenger to place their shoes through the X-Ray machine. Now it would not be too difficult for any potential miscreant to get through that, so whats the point of doing it at all, aside from making the whole process of travelling more unpleasant than it needs to be.

QueeneMab, Old Nick and I have just enjoyed a wonderful break with Landers UK and Scoobydoofus at their place in Galway, so thanks very much chaps, it was brilliant and you must come and stay with us sometime soon.

Our adventure kicked off when we arrived at Knock Airport and were whisked away to Chez Gay to meet Eddie and Hille the dogs and Max and Huw the cats. After a whirlwind tour of the premises we were off to Lough Corrib to take the dogs for a run.

In the late afternoon with just a hint of the "lovely soft" rain the country is famous for we enjoyed the stunning beauty of the lake as Eddie and Hille splashed about in the surf. Then back to Chez Gay for delicious chile cooked by Scoobydoofus, stopping only for a couple of pints of the black stuff on the way home.

The following day, fuelled by some monster bacon sandwiches we were off to Galway, where we had a look around the harbour and the town before setting off to Kinvara for lunch. Kinvara was in the midst of the Cuckoo Fleadh (a festival held since 1994)that marks the passing of Bealtaine) so it was chock full of people watching the occasional fun-running child stagger towards the pub where its parents were quite wisely enjoying Champagne or Guiness with their lunch, not to mention the customary fellow dressed as a cuckoo trying to get in everyone's photos.

We had a very tasty lunch at one of the pubs, but poor Old Nick who had not been too feeling too well missed out. Then we bundled back into Landers truck for the drive home and a splendid cheese and cold meat dinner with home made houmous and soda bread (it was yummy and thanks for the bread recipe Landers).

Well waking up the following morning Old Nick was feeling a bit better, but genorous soul that he is had passed on his bug to both QueeneMab and I, just in time for the trip home.

And here is a useful tip for anyone using Knock Airport. you have to pay a ten Euro Development Tax as before you enter the security screening area so have some cash on you. Quite why this can't be collected when you buy your ticket I don't know, I suspect it may be to help keep the advertised price of the ticket appear low, but then I am a cynical old bastard.

Despite Old Nick's bug, we all had a brilliant time and thanks once again chaps for being super hosts. come and see us soon.

I'm not by any means a supporter of the Tories, but I was quite pleased by the London Mayor results. I can't stand that little twerp Livingstone and its good to see Mr Broon get a kick in the bollocks. Here's a radical idea, Gordon try being a proper bloody Labour politician instead of a Tory lite.

As I don't actually live in the London Council area I can afford to be pleased that at last someone with a bit of personality has achieved office instead of all those nonentity middle managers that all three political parties are now comprised of and I can look forward to a couple of years of quality comedy kicking off down the road.

In other news I was delighted to see that the British Nazi Party lost two of their six seats on my local district council, (shame it wasn't all of them though)and glad to see the Residents Association pick up another.

Huge amounts of money are to be spent trying to convince the inhabitants of these isles to "twist, lick and dunk" these US biscuits in milk.

As they are full of sugar dentists must be rubbing their hands in glee at the potential upturn of their fortunes.

Hmmm I sticking to Hob Nobs and a cup of tea

Well I was bloody right wasn't I.

so I goes and hides right and he finds me under the chest in the clipped one's room and so he chases me down the stairs but there's this old one who grabs me and they put me in a basket and then in the car to the place where they torture cats with pins called boosters and stuff.

And when I get there there are lots of wolves again and some poncey hairy cat that won't be much cop at fighting so I gives him screws and he goes miaow and gives me screws back but I could have had him good and proper the wuss I could and then this wolf comes and looks at me and I can't get to him and give him a clip cos I'm in this cage which is just as well cos I could have had him too. Then this bloke gets hold of me and looks in mouth and up me ears and holds my eyes open just in case I have hidden some food in them I guess he was hungry like and then he looks at me scabs and says they is getting better so he gets the fat cook to hold me and sticks pins in me back.

I was well happy to get back in me cage and had a little sing song on the way back thinking about how I was going to go and visit the neighbors when I got back, but it stated raining so I thought I'd blog my tale for all you hep cats out there while the cook listens to that bloody racket he calls music. Better go the Suns come out "Oi Cook Me Out and quick about it."

As I expected our polling booth for the local election was a hive of activity where I had to vie with bugger all anyone to cast my votes.

I have to say that its a sad day for politics when none of the three big parties consider contesting our town council leaving it up to a straight fight between the local residents Association and the lowlife British Nazi sorry National Party. How the local Tories then have the brass neck to attack the Residents Association in their election material for the district council I don't know.

Typically I said all this to the two chaps collecting the polling cards on the way out thinking they were both from the Residents Association because of their green Rosettes, but I had forgotten that the Tories have this new green tree logo thing that their image consultants think shows how caring David Cammeron is.

Do you know what? He never said a thing in his party's defence.

Be that as it may folks, do go out and vote, its important that we don't let racist extremists into our local government just because its only a local election.

Shipscat One here.

The fat one is hanging the washing up so I grabbed the PC.

Now somethings up today cos the fat one is home and its not a weekend and he said to the monkey what went to the vet and got his fur clipped cos he must have had a abcess or something like happened to my mum's mate Godzilla before I was born like "Don't let the little bastard out" when he left to go hunting.

Better scat he's coming down the stairs