So it starts raining and London's busy pavements are full of idiots with golf umbrellas logoed with some merchant bank's branding. If it wasn't for the fact that I wear glasses I'd have had my eyes poked out several times today (OK two eyes in my head so its twice max without specs)and I have lost count of the times I have had to walk in the road to avoid these selfish bastards chatting on their mobiles and happily running down anyone who gets in their way.

I see the US Dept of Homeland Paranoia now wants to fingerprint "aliens" (that's non US citizens to you and me) when they leave the US as well as when they enter. As you would expect its all in the name of security.

As if it isn't painful enough getting into the the US its now going to be even more time consuming getting out too!

And I guess no US citizens ever blew things up or shot people dead for seemingly trivial reasons eh? Listen here Dubbya the most scary thing about terrorism is that it is international and its perpetrators may well be citizens of the very country they attack.

It's just another example of how the leaders of the so called land of the free (and home of the drive-by shooting) is so insular that anything from outside it's borders is deemed as dangerous and scary. Whether its politics, religeon or cheese.

Now I think that is a shame because I've had some great holidays in the USA and met some really nice people there, but I won't be treated as a criminal by a government, so my holiday pounds are destined for Europe until some kind of sanity resumes.

We went to the shops in Ilford on Sunday. I'd quite forgotten how much I disliked the place after working there some time in the last century, but the sight of the spent hypodermics and other trash left by the addicts in the car park soon brought it all back. Anyway we are in this shop, select the stuff we want and go up to the counter.

Youth "We ain't open yet"

"Sorry, then why are there loads of people in here looking at your stuff?"

"Oh we open the shop half an hour before the checkouts so people can look at the stuff but I can't serve you till 11am"

Well how annoying is that? apparently this is a wheeze concocted to get around the surviving elements of the UK's stupid Sunday trading laws, created in an era when we still believed that being bored was good for the soul.

Look Gordon Brown Sundays will be more fun if we can get the sodding shopping done early so do something about it.

Mrs F has given up trying to access her site since its gone all wonky and created a new one Queene Mab. She would welcome any of her old friends from Mrs F to join her there so please click on the avatar next door to say hello

See this here, its the Turbo Charged Nutter Psycho Swan of Connaught Water as photographed by the lovely Mrs F

Look at him go, he hates the Canada Geese, charges after them and forces them out of the water onto the land. I think its the same swan that I saw pick up a coot by its neck and hurl it across the lake once when it got in the way of a piece of bread. Better watch out or he will be after breaking my arm!

It was nice down by the lake tonight and aside from Psycho Swan we saw: Mallard (with one solitary little duckling), Tufted Duck, Red Crested Pochard, Great Crested Grebe, Coots, Moorhens, Canada Geese, Carrion Crows and a Brown Rat. Also on the way home I spotted some rabbits eating the grass verge so quite a good evening for spotting wildlife.

Shipscat one here.

What an eventful week, I was just licking my lovely tasty new neck scab when the fat cook took it into his head to take us to that place where men in white coats are cruel to us cats.

So into the cages go sis and I and off we go in the car, knowing how much it winds the monkeys up sis and I had a little sing song in the back all the way there.

Well when we got there there were these horrible great wolves that slobbered and whined all the time we were in the waiting room (about a decade in cat years I reckon), but then the vet had them in to do dark mysterious things hopefully involving needles and pills and stuff, cos I hate wolves.

Anyway the vet calls us in and the fat cook gets me out first. Naturally the vet is very taken with how handsome I am saying "hasn't he got lovely markings" but then he looks at my scab and goes "Urgh he's been bitten and its gone all nasty with excsma", well no shit Sherlock, I kind of noticed that although I didn't think it tasted that bad myself, and he sticks some pins in me back with stuff called anti-biotics and gives the fat cook some pills to give me later.

So I goes back in the box and out comes sis. Ha hah hah she get poked and prodded, "say Ahh Puss" he says as he prys her mouth open and then he stuck some pins called boosters her. Thats cool I thought a bit of quality entertainment for me at last then he says

"Bring him back in two weeks for his boosters"

"OK" says Cook, just wait till he trys to give me those pills.

I just heard someone finish a phone call with

"On a mission, Let's do it"

What an idiot

I was treated to a lecture last night by a designer buddy at of all places the loading bay at Harrods.

The talk was about design icons and the speakers included fashion designer Roland Mouret and Matteo Alessi of the family who produce that really cool lemon squeezer that looks like a 1950s rocket ship. See http://www.alessi.co.uk/ashop-uk/design-products/kitchen-accessories-90143/citrus-squeezer-juicy-salif-110.html

Much of the talk centered around how often items that are nice to look at are not always terribly well designed for their purpose singling out rear engined sports cars like the Porsche and Matteo's lemon squeezer, which it was alleged on its spindly legs was so inherently unstable that when you used it, it would often end up flying across the kitchen while the glass smashed on the floor.

So it was argued that the purpose that the lemon squeezer was designed for was not just for squeezing lemons it was designed to be a present that people would take joy in giving and receiving. Then Mouret added that he had seen it used as a murder weapon in a film.

As the lecture closed the chairman left us with a question "What sort of person would you buy an Alessi lemon squeezer for?"

A stylish murderer obviously who else?

We paid a visit to Tilbury Fort yesterday taking advantage of our new English Heritage mambership that gives us free entry to loads of places.

I'd recommend this place to anyone who is into military history as it is a well preseved example of a fortrss dating back to the days of the Tudors and still in use during World War Two. Originally one of a number of forts bult to protect the gateway to London by Henry VI. Most of the present buildings date from the Stuart and Georgian periods.

It is an interesting example of a fort built to withstand that new fangled cannonfire, so very different from the medieval period fortifications that preceeeded it, with sloping walls to deflect cannon balls and earthen banks to absorb the shock of their impact. There is also a moat system complete with reconstructed wooden walkways and drawbriges.

The fort was used as the location for one of the Sharpe movies and was actually used in the Napoleonic period as a camp for soldiers about to be shipped out to Europe. There are also a number of artillery pieces from between the 18th century to world War Two dotted around the place.

We spent about two hours there and great fun was had drilling the powder monkey on how to load, run out and fire an 18th century cannon and freaking out boaters on the Thames as said eight year old, aided and abetted by two disreputable looking adults trained a World War Two anti-aircraft gun on their vessel.

I'd recommend it as a great day out for anyone who likes history and architecture and its also somewhere where youngsters can harmlessly let off some steam while taking in a bit of that education stuff.

Tilbury Fort is half a mile east of Tilbury off the A126

Live and Let Die is on the telly again, now I like Bond films but they seem to be on all the bloody time. Having said that the only other stuff on seems to be bloody sport or other films being heavily rotated.

Now given that Jolson first burst into song in The Jazz Singer back in 1928 there must be thousands of bloody films out there so can we have some different ones on the telly please.

I caught the last half of ITV's new Friday night sitcom with Ade Edmondson last night.

What utter rubbish, does no one at ITV bother to read a comedy script before greenlighting a production. Is the head of comedy on horse tranquilisers or something? A shame cos Edmondson isn't a bad physical comedian even if he is limited to playing versions of Vyvian or Eddie Hitler, but what can he do with a bunch of lame jokes.

As for the Chinese chracter I thought laughing at (rather than with) foreigners had been quite rightfully consigned to the dustbin of the past. It bordered on a racist parody designed for a few cheap laughs.

How come Ch4 (Father Ted, The IT Crowd), BBC (Ideal, Red Dwarf, Saxondale, Mighty Boosh even My Family) and even Ch 5 with Suburban Shootout can do it, but ITV's past is littered with desparatly unfunny tripe like Babes in the Wood and that godawful sitcom written for Davina McCall that even Ed Byrne couldn't raise a laugh from.

It was one of those Spring mornings where dust motes played in the early morning light falling through the bedroom window. Lovingly Connie ran her hands up and down the smoothess of his.............

Terry Chimes, the original drummer with the Clash and later Hanoi Rocks, the Cherry Bombz and Black Sabbath.

He's now a chiropractor on the edge of East London

see http://www.thebackpaincentre.echiropractor.com/sw/common/ourteam/internet/TeamDetails.asp/MEMBER/9414/RTN/Y/SWSESSIONID/plsaccsszhrlcs

He never used to dress like that though!

Shipscat One here.

Well woould you believe me and sis were trying to wake the fat one up this morning as it was half past four and well late for breakfast, so I was nibbling his elbowsd and that didn't work so sis says "Stick your claws in his eyes,m go on" Anyway even that does not work so we start on Mrs F

Ah that's better cos she can't stand the head butting and elbow nibbling so she wakes the fat one up.

Off we run down the stairs with Cook in full pursuit

"Quick lets hide from him in case he eats us" sis says

So we dart into the lounge and you know what the sod does he closes the door and goes back to bed for a couple of hours.

I really can't get this waking monkeys up for breakfast worked out right

Both Nrs F and RI Thompson have tagged me with this seven random facts thingy.

1. I don't know how to link my page to anybody else's which is why I havn't bothered to post the rules

2. I hate celery

3. I once played a Holly bush in a school play

4. I don't own or even want an I-pod

5. I have seen Motorhead more than any other band, but only because Van Der Graaf Generator split up between 1978 and 2005

6. I was once introduced to Lorraine Kelly, but had no idea who she was as I never watched ITV's breakfast telly

7. I'd like to fire Alan Sugar and get rid of crap reality shows like the Apprentice, Dragon's Den, I'm a Celebrity, Big Brother, Location Location

Now I tag Old Nick, Juzzy, Kizlode, Sallyontour, jacobite, red leader, Rubychoo

So several years and £10 million quid of our money later it turns out she died after getting in a car driven too fast by someone who was over the limit.

What a surprise

That's value for money tax payers

Like many of you shipmates out there I'm pleased to see the Dr back on our screens tonight, but not everyone is that happy.

I was just sitting down to my early morning bowl of hamster food when Dalek Sek turned up in his van

"Mornin Postie how are you?" I asked as I stumbled through the radioactive rubble that was all that remained of our porch to see if he had anything worth having.

"Mustn't grumble" he replied as usual "just more bills, a case of White Lightning from www.pissingyourselfinashopdoorway.co.uk for Spudsey and your copy of Old Groater. Sign here or face immediate destruction."

"Any tips for the big race?"

"Yes I fancy a punt of Comply or Die so do you"

Then before I could stop myself I said "Looking forward to the new series of Dr Who tonight?"

His side lights flashed with suppressed irritation "No I can't stand that rubbish myself I will be watching Relocation, Relocation, Relocation on Planet of the Apes TV, apparently Kirstie will be showing Zira and Cornelius how to give up their Tenerife beach pad for a condo in downtown Los Angeles in your twentieth century and then there is the big film Goodbye Mr Chimps."

"Anyway I can't stand here chatting all day, I've got a van load of stuff to deliver and the Master breathing down my back for my overtime docket"

While making the breakfast the other day I looked out of the galley window to the spot where Shipscat One had recently terminated Sparky the Wood Pigeon and spied a chaffinch helping herself to some of the downy feathers Shipscat One had left behind.

I was delighted as I have never seen a chaffinch in our garden before and its good to know that some good has come of the little sod's psychopathic hobby

There were hardly a cloud in the sky when the crew of Mrs F's jolly boat set sail for the west country on Saturday.

However it wasn't long before we were beset by a raging tempest and shortly after a stop for refreshment at The Red Lion at Avebury we abandoned plans for a raid on Glastonbury that afternoon and settled for a wander round the shops in Bath.

Naturally the highlight of our stop in Bath was the evening's repast at the always splendid Rajpoot (Argyle Street) where I enjoyed a shish kebab followed by a very tasty Chicken Shorisha (chicken in a mustard sauce) while Old Nick had a Lamb Koria and Mrs F the Chicken Jhal Noor. All very tasty with a selection of vegetables including the potatos in red cabbage, drinks and a selection of starters saw us very well fed £101.

So after a night at the Beckington Travelodge and a not bad breakfast at the Little Fat Bastard we were off to Glastonbury. As we had lost an hour of kip to British Summer Time we were pleased to have some sunshine.

First stop was the Chalice Well Gardens for some peaceful contemplation followed by a wander round the shops. Naturally this worked up a thirst so we poped into a cafe called the 100 Monkeys for some cider.

As we quaffed the delightful Hecks cider we noticed the shapely form of a waitress kneeliong on a table chalking up the menu on the wall. Very nice it looked too so any idea of eating on the way home was soon dispelled.

Old Nick and I had this Spanish mutton and kidney bean stew
while Mrs F had the Spinach soup and the Powder Monkey had this Houmos with some bread

and a strawberry milkshake made with real milk and strawberrys not that seaweed based slop you get in McRubbish bars.

Drinks from the local brewery were also taken. I had a Hedgemonkey

a fairly strong full bodied ale while Old Nick enjoyed the slightly lighter Lovemonkey and this was followed by a crisp refreshing Mystery Tor

All in all I think this little cafe is a real gem and well worth seeking out. The food was really good, the staff very friendly and the tab for all four of us was only £51 which wasn't bad considering the beerage. Sadly I can't recall the address but its opposite the Post Office in Glastonbury's High Street.

So suitably refreshed we enjoyed a mooch around the ruins of Glstonbury Abby before packing the jolly boat with cider, perry and mead and heading for home.