Spied a story today about how local authority parking wardens were going to be rebranded as Civil Enforcement Officers. I presume this means they will get the power to levy fines on any particular piece of behaviour the local authority deems a potential money raiser.

It seems to me that breaking the rules and paying a penalty (the new buzz word for a fine) is now regarded as a legitimate way of lining civic coffers, so expect your local authority to become ever more creative with its definition of wrong doing!

I read with great joy that BAA's plans to fingerprint passengers on domestic flights and airport transfers have had to be chucked out as they may contravene the data Protection Act.

Bloody good job too, BAA argued that it prevented terrorists switching their identity with people on domestic flights once through security. Now then you have to present a passport or photo ID to get on any flight so how is fingerprinting going to make a difference?

All it would do is hold people up even longer while travelling, as something else gets checked and some security goon gets a hard on by putting people to even more inconvenience.

Received this

ATTENTION
i am agent henry owen c.of the world seminar and youth organization i will like to inform you about the up coming seminar that is scheduled for 25th-30th may 2008. i will like you to take part in this great survey that is going to transform your life,well you may be wondering how we got your email we made a random pick of emails from the email data of the world so thats how we got your email to represent your country at the seminar with a bonus pay to you the sum of $5,000 (five thousand dollars), so this seminar will be held in austria and after their the officials(all country reps) is also going to live from austria to south africa for another briefing by the african agents forum. here is the forums address.africanagentsforum@yahoo.com.
so all you have to do to qualify is send in your details date of birth,country of origin,qualification from any institute or collage,current residence address and your passport number then if you meet our requirement you will be awarded a group visa that will cover you and other two people but for participants without passport you are to pay the sum of $700(seven hundred united states dollars)for your registration of passport and visa but if you have your passport, your visa will be processed free.
so if you are intresting i want you to send in your details as soon as possible.

from the secratery {w.y.s.o},

20,micheal greck way,
birmingham,
jsw 201
U.K

Looks dodgy to me especially as they took great care to ensure my youthfulness and even spell my name wrong Shipstock I should coco!

I'd suggest if you receive this nonsense delete it straight away

One of the great things about working (you mean there are some?) in the middle of London is that I am close to Chinatown and all its shops so I can get stuff like spices and other ingrediants for good value prices.

Last time I was there I picked up half a kilo of Chinese curry Powder for £1.40, just try getting that kind of value in Tesco!

So yesterday we had some chicken pieces and mushrooms knocking about the kitchen so I thought how about a Chinese style curry.

First chop up some garlic, ginger, chiles and onions and bung em in a pan of hot sunflower oil, fry em up for a bit with a teaspoon of Chinese five spice, then add the chicken pieces, once they have sealed add two desert spoons of the Chinese curry powder. Give it a stir then add the mushrooms. Add a sprinkle of soy sauce to bring out the liquor from the mushrooms and a splash of Chinese cooking wine give it another stirabout.

Add some water and a stock cube and some green veg if you like, I had some fine beans so in they went, but you could use snap peas, leave to simmer, stir occasionally for ten minutes while the rice cooks.

Bung the rice on a plate then spoon the curry over the top. I used Thai sticky rice as there was nothing else in the house. Tasted just as good as the takeaway.

What's all this about then, celebrity chef Amelia Spliff here and tonight I'm going to show you a quick cheat on making a glass of water, just leave the glass outside and wait for it to rain no need to waste time turning the taps on!

Well fuck me that's plenty of time left to be filmed at signings and shareholder meetings, money for old rope this celebrity chef lark init.

Ship's Cat One here again

Anyone looked outside? its rubbish isn't it, anyway after breakfast spent the morning asleep with Cook until just after the pink monkey's lunch when I wanted a poo and I couldn't go in my tray cos the fat cook had forgotten to change my cat litter, lazy sod that he is, so I says to him let me out. Well out I goes and not only is it cold but the snow has all melted and its all wet under my feet.

Anyhow once the business is done I'm over to the neighbours to see if there is any lunch going and a James Bond film to watch from their sofa, I like them Bond films because well you know us cats like a bit of sex and violence and that Sean Connery he's dead good at both of them things, anyhow them neighbours have buggered off for the afternoon leaving me out in the cold.

Well I had no choice did I? I mean I could have been all cool and nonchalant like and punished the pink monkeys by not coming in for ages and making them worry, but it was bloody cold and I may be contrary but I ain't dumb, so I sit on the window sill looking pathetic until Cook lets me in, anyhow I'm bloody starvin as when Cook got up at six he gave us breakfast to plug the miaows, but he's not having any of this now so I decide to start a punch up with my sister, works every time so he opens the scran up to get some peace.

Now they are all watching Beowulf and drinking beer so it won't be long before I get to kip on Cook's fat belly agian

Night night

We went to the seaside today.

Mrs F bravely drove us to Walton on the Naze where the jobsworth in the station refused to let us use the loo as "it was for passengers only" As there were no passengers I can't see what harm it would have done National Express Trains to let an eight year old child and 49 year old on diuretics use the toilet, so boo to you National Express.

So off we went into town and after finding a loo we took a stroll on the pier. It was bloody freezing so the novelty soon wore off and we went in search of lunch. After a refreshing pint at the Walton Tavern we were soon ensconced in one of Walton's fish shops where we had a lovely piece of haddock and chips for £5.95 yum.

Then on to the headland where Mrs F, Old Nick and the Powder Monkey had fun searching for fossils on the beach while I watched the birds feeding by the waterline through my binoculors. I was delighted to see so many ringed plovers and sanderling hunting for worms and things, not to mention the black headed gulls who now have their lovely chocolate brown heads once more.

Aside from the birds on the beach we saw common thrush, blackbirds, jackdaws, wood pigeons, starlings, carrion crows, magpies, rooks, herring gulls and blue tits so not a bad day for wildlife despite the howling wind.

On the way home we stopped at Parkers Garden Centre in Frinton where they have some day old chicks and lambs on show. They also have a different kind of fish shop with tropical and cold water fish and reptiles too.

Read the interview with former members of Bauhaus in this months Uncut.

According to Daniel Ash on Goth "It was nothing to do with us"

So neither has this then

Ship's Cat One here for one of my occasional blogs.

Mrs F gave did my breakfast this morning, yet more of that medicated rubbish from the vets,so I scoffed most of it down, went to see if my sister had left anything in her dish, she hadn't, but by the time I got back to mine she had polished off what was left in my dish too.

So as its a Friday and they will only be having rubbish like hamster food and fruit, I thought I might as well go and have a kip on the bean bag in the corner of the wardroom. Well knock me sideways if the fat cook hasn't made bacon sandwiches and they are sitting there on the sofa scoffing them, so I goes and sits on the coffee table opposite Mrs F and intimidate her into giving me a scrap of bacon.

That done the pink monkeys have scarfed their pig sandwiches down so I looks as Mrs F and she goes all lovey dovey and calls me over for a bit of a tickle, do I go to her especially as she gave me breakfast and then some of her pig?, nah course not, I goes and sits on the cook because he is about to get up and take the dishes into the galley. Then I stares at her from his lap.

Do they know nothing about cat psychology?

Those funny people at BT sent me a bill the other day and suggested that if I were to take their paperless billing option I could save £1.50 or something like that per quarter.

OK I thought its not much, but I'd rather it was in my pocket, also it reduces BT's costs so should help to keep their prices down, plus its less paper going into my recycling bin and all the environmental savings on print and distribution can't be a bad thing.

Well imagine my surprise when I found a letter from BT on the doormat yesterday.

"I wonder what this is?" I thought as I opened it up and put the envelope in the recycling bin

"Dear Shipscook

Thank you for choosing BT paperless billing"

I wish I was making this up but sadly no.

Top American director Martin Scorcese, not content with his latest picture about the Rolling Stones will soon be tackling a real life British superhero Mr Ben

Opening scene

Ben (Harvey Keitel) and his girlfriend Monica (Uma Thurman) are fleeing down the streets of Manhatten after a drugs deal has gone bad, the Feds got the cash, and Jamaican mob leader (Samuel L Jackson) is after Ben's blood.

Spying Vinne's Fancy Dress Shop Monica and Ben crash through the door. Vinne (Joe Pesci) is hanging up a jester's costume.

Monica "Hey Vinne, gotta fuckin disguise, da mob is fast on our heels"

Ben "Yeah we is gonna be brown bread if dey catch us and no fuckin mistake"

Vinne "here go inda changing room and put on dese Jester's threads and step through da coitains, you'l be safe den"

Ben "Your shittin me man"

Vinne "No man I ain't shittin you man, an I might jus be gonna save your fuckin good for nuthing life"

Monica "Shit Tony, he ain't shittin nobody man, get in da fuckin changing room wid you"

Scene fades

We had a fun time at Chessington today with Old Nick and the Powder Monkey. I particularly enjoyed the creepy tunnel full of reptiles and bugs, but it said I would come face to face with my deepest fear and there was no team building exercise at all!

Had a fajita for lunch and I have to admit I have never had one made with breaded chicken before, quite unique, but not altogether disgusting, unlike the Sprite, but then maybe they had run out of Sprite concentrate and used lemon scented Toilet Duck instead.

Had two new invitations, well one and a PM really.

PM came from a Mary 200lov, well I ain't interested in your sordid little affairs sweetheart so you can take a hike.

Invitation was from a kevinhoffman who seems to be a front for selling roving SIM cards. This isn't what blog is for Hoffman I have reported your page as inapropriate now get lost.

I thought yesterday's Budget quite interesting.

First I was surprised at only 11p on a pack of gaspers, perhaps Darling is getting worried that if too many people give up he won't have any cash coming in to fund illegal wars. Don't worry me as I gave up eight years ago but bad news for small shops.

Second 4p on a pint of beer but 3p on a litre of cider. How is this equitable many ciders are stronger than some beers and the drink of choice by the binge drinking youth that are often used as an excuse to hit the drinker inn the pocket. Painful for pubs, but great news for bootleggers, booze cruisers and as Andrew Neill put it Columbian Cocaine barons as getting wasted on coke will become cheaper than having a few pints.

Cars and aviation easy target for raising tax, say no and an Okapi dies.

More cash for the armed services well what a surprise with two illegal wars to fight.

Well we all know that low cost flights are evil enough to cause an epidemic of homelessness amongst the polar bear community but did you know that they help to protect criminals on the run from Plod too.

Yes that's the latest piece of nutjobbery from Bernard Hogan Howe the Chief Constable of Merseyside who says that "second division" criminals are using lax border controls in Europe and low cost flights to evade justice.

I suppose your better class of villain who flys Club Class to Brazil and that's OK then Mtr Hogan Howe?

Well pardon me but you can't even get on a bloody plane at UK airports without showing a passport of photo ID at least twice so why can't crims be stopped before they leave then, or is this just a piece of annoying theatre designed to make us think the government are doing something to combat terrorism and to soften us up for carrying ID Cards?

And how many villains are jetting off to the Costa del Crime on EasyJet then? Well in January the Police named all of ten.

I went down Oxford Street in my lunchbreak and passed a market stall holder selling all that useless tat that tourists buy.

All of a sudden he opens his mouth and crys out "Eeeweeep steeeet ep" or something like that. No idea what he meant, perhaps as it is nearly Spring he is calling for a mate.

Well after that I popped into one of those trendy sushi joints. Lots of quite tasty morsals on offer, but at those prices £3.00 for two tiny bites that would leave a gnat hungry, just as well we have a pack of choccy biscuits and a couple of oranges back in the office.

We can access Mr S's blog but not Mrs F's . It comes up page not displayed. Also I commented on friend's post but when i sent it, it just disappeared.

I just tried to book a hotel on the Ibis Hotels website.

Now I can take it when the website says sorry no hotels match your criteria but to find below "Hotels not available" complete with a picture of said hotel that I can't stay in is just rubbing it in!

I see BAA has got the go ahead to increase landing fees at Gatwick and Heathrow to cover the cost of increased security, (not to mention easing the credit problems of BAA's owner).

However the CAA has increased the fines for BAA keeping people hanging about in queues while waiting to take their shoes off. The regulator has said that no one should have to wait longer than 5 minutes to clear. security. On the face of it maybe not such a bad thing for the extra £2 odd per ticket.

The only problem with that is that BAA monitor passenger waiting time themselves and according to what the Channel 4 Dispatches programme revealed BAA's idea of where the queue starts is at the X-Ray machine not outside WH Smiths or wherever. So its just an idea but why not record how long you actually waited at security at Heathrow or Gatwick and if its longer than five minutes drop the CAA an e-mail, just to let them know.

Apparently Warners are planning a big screen version of the Justice League of America fo release in 2009 complete with Batman, Wonder Woman (phwoar), Superman at al.

Well little is it known there is a Justice League of Europe running out of Belgium, masterminded by Professor Branestawm fighting crime in all its forms, with Mr Benn and his amazing cross dimensional travelling abilities, Worzel Gummidge with his multitude of interchangeable heads, Mr McHenry from The Magic Roundabout and his speedy scooter to get instantly to the crime scene, Captain Haddock from Tintin who's a a bit tasty with his fists, Mr Claypole from Rentaghost for silent surveilance and Mortimer he Raven cos you have to have an animal donch'a.

Take that America!

A while ago I had a chat via the wonders of e-mail with my pal Eugene where he lovingly described making a Spam, tomato and Lettuce sandwhich. Inspired by this conversation and fortified by a visit to the Bang Bang with Lord Warriner of Brentwood I bought a can of the pink stuff.

Well in the cold light of day it sat in the cupboard forlorn and unloved, watching tins of beans, anchovies, chick peas and sardine come and go, jars of spice and sauces would be in and out but still the lonesome can sat there waiting in the dark for his time to come.

Well this morning when I went down to the galley I discovered that Bosun Gravy had failed in his mission to stock up on bacon, eggs, sausages and black pudding for our traditional Saturday fry up. Damming the eyes of Mr Sainsbury I thought back to James May making breakfast for Oz Clarke on their great wine adventure and out of the cupboard it came.

In a trice it was opened, sliced and frying in its own fat in a hot pan with a dusting of freshly milled black pepper. Pausing only to remove a dead Wood Pigeon from the grasp of Ships Cat One, dump it in the wheelie bin and wash my hands, the spam slices were flipped over to cook through.

When nicely browned I flipped them onto a slice of toast with a dollop of Nervous Nigel's Mango Relish and bunged another slice on top to finish the job.

Yum

Last night we had Tagliatelli with smoked duck breast in a cream and black pepper sauce again (see November for recipe), although as I had a few left over mushrooms in the veg rack they went in too and it was very tasty.

Now Mr Sainsbury's Emporium was very poor for fruit and veg when Bosun Gravy embarked on his foraging mission yesterday so to avoid a nasty case of scurvy amongst the crew I made a salad with what I had in the fridge.

First I finely chopped the other half of the red onion from the pasta and put it in the bowl. Then added about 12 chopped up cherry toms. In the fridge I found some fine beans so I cut them in half and dropped them into a pan of boiling water for aboy a minute to ensure they were crunchy and set them aside to cool. I then repeated the process with some tender stem broccoli. Once the greens had cooled down in they went into the bowl followed by a handfull of pine nuts for some crunch and some finely chopped pickled Chili peppers (I used Mezzetta, from the Napa Valley, Califonia and much hotter than the Turkish variety) for a bit of punch.

For the dressing, I discovered an almost empty bottle of Kentucky Bourbon with the recycling and it gave me an idea. Taking the bottle I poured in about a desert spoon of Balsamic Vinegar, the same of Spanish Olive Oil and then most of a miiature of Absolut Pepper Vodka that was also in the fridge. Shook it up, slopped it i9n the salad and gave it all a good mix.

Went down very well with the Dixie Chicks in the background.

Old Nick has remarked about my ability to deconstruct food that I sample and recreate a not unresonable facsimile of at a later date. Well in Edinburgh recently we had these fabulous Middle Eastern style kebabs from a Lebanese take away confusingly named after somewhere in Syria. The kebabs were basically chicken and lamdbdonar with salad and sauce wrapped in kobz which is an Arab flat bread. Now kobz is not that easy to come by round these parts but a tortilla wrap will do.

So bearing in mind that I don't have one of those elephant leg grill things for making kebabs I decided on grilling some chicken breasts that I'd marinated in lemon juice, garlic and cumin for a couple of hours seemed to work quite well.

Anyhow this is how I did it using six wraps, a pot of houmous and three chicken breasts to feed all three of us.

Through trial and error I made a facsimilie sauce that tasted like one from the take away by mixing Waitrose Chile sauce with salad cream and a tiny bit of harissa paste to give it a bit of bite, if you don't want it too hot leave out the harissa. Anyhow about a third chile sauce to two thirds salad cream did the trick.

Spread some of this over the wrap, then spread a generous splodge of Humous below it. Add some well sliced veg, I'd recommend red cabbage, red onion and coriander then lay half a sliced chicken breast on top and roll it up.

Two on a plate with a bit of potato salad and a glass of fruity red wine to temper the spice and bingo!

Have you seen te latest Citroen ad "The New Citroen C5 Unmistakeably German" bigging up the engineering of the vehicle by linking it to a nation that is respected for its engineering reputation. In the pompous newspeak of Marketing they are "Borrowing the brand attributes of another country"

Seems a shame to me as there is certainly nothing wrong with French engineering, France is a major player in the European Space Agency, builds top notch aircraft and has pioneered the use of high speedtrains. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

Mind you its not the only example of products claiming to be something they aren't. I was deeply amused to discover that there is nothing traditionally Irish about Bailey's Irish Cream as was cooked up an Englishman working for a drinks companay in the United States and that Neutrogena's Norewegian formula is also made there.

AJ's comment on my post about how greedy promoters want a cut from ticket reselling put me thinking about how ticket sellers rip the cusrtomers off with hidden charges.

Yesterday I booked some tickets on-line for a theme park and when I got to the end of the process I found that I had to pay another £1.50 booking fee just for the privillege of booking the tickets. OK it wasn't as bad as the all the extra fees lumped on to our Alice Cooper tickets, but as I booked on their website and they haven't had to pay box office staff what exactly is this fee aside from another consummer rip off?

It really makes me mad that you can't book tickets for any event now without a booking fee whether its The Rolling Stones or Tutankhamon at the O2 so the price you see advertised is never the one you pay, even though there is no alternative to buying via the agents website or phoneline.

What I'd like to see advertised is the inclusive price you pay including all these top up fees, whether its a booking fee or a credit card charge. Some of them even charge for using a debit card, how the hell else are you going to pay?

And while we are at it I'd like the budget airlines to also clean up their websites so I don't have to keep de-selecting charges for things I don't need.

Call me cynical but I think its all designed to make us think we are getting a great bargain until we look at the final invoice.

The new carpet, as selected by the cat, arrived this morning and the chaps are busy laying it right now. I have already supplied mugs of tea (one and half sugars for me and one for him) and been asked the dreaded question "Do you like football?"

Some corporate whizz kids in the music industry want to stick a levy on reselling gig tickets through websites, with the cash going back to the artists, but naturally via the same agents and managers.

The idea is being soft sold as some kind of attack on ticket touts. Marc Marot who is the Chairman Elect of the Resale Rights Society says its "a grown up solution to acompletely unregulated area" and "There are real issues of consummer protection here. It is unacceptable that not a penny of the £200 million in transactions generated by the resale of concert tickets in the UK is returned to investors in the live music industry"

Look don't take us for a bunch of idiots Mr Marot. This is little more than a ploy to muscle in on a lucretive market. If I buy a car I don't pay a levy to Ford when I sell it on later, so why the hell should I line the pockets of the music industry promoters, agents and managers when I buy a ticket for a gig and then sell it on if I can't go. After all the "investors" already received their cut for putting the gig on when I bought the ticket in the first place. I'd be very surprised if any struggling musicians would ever see a penny from it.

Strikes me its just an example of people seeing an opportunity to line their pockets by doing sod all work for it.

The gags just don't stop coming do they?

Our second day started with a good breakfast at the tea room opposite the hotel and I was really jealous of Mrs F's Farmer's Ommelette, but she took pity and gave me a mouthfull to try and it was really lovely. There was also a gorgeouis little waitress for Old Nick to flirt with too.

Fortified we ventured out on the streets and headed towards the canal for a boat trip, which was a pleasant way to spend the morning enjoying a waterside view of some of Bruges's magnificent architecture all for six and a half Euros per person.

Back on dry land we ventured into the centre of Bruges and dropped into the Basilica of the Sacred Blood, a very interesting church that reputably has a phial of Christ's blood in a reliquary that believers can touch under the watchful eye of a priest who looks not unlike Adam Hart-Davis.

And on to lunch at De Vier Winden just off the central Square. Off the set menu I chose the Smoked Salmon toast which came in a very generous portion and was very tasty, followed by a steak which to be honest was a bit tough and could have done with a knob of garlic butter to moisten it. What with only two beers, a diet coke and a couple of Coffees I thought it was a bit pricy at 92 Euros for all three of us and they had the nerve to charge us two Euro for a tiny pot of mayonaise too.

It was only then when Old Nick picked up his beer glass that I noticed he had started to shrink to Dennis Waterman proportions

The afternoon was spent exploring more of Bruges architectural marvels including the Church of Our Lady which had some interestingly decorated medieval sarcophagi and the tombs of Charles the Bold and his daughter Mary, the Cathedral of San Salvatore and more chocolate shops and bars.

In the evening it was back to the pub of 300 beers where I had a bottle of Kwac a strong ale that comes in a special glass with a rounded bottom so you also get a wooden stand to keep it upright. Legend has it that the glass was designed to make sure that coachmen didn't spend too much time hanging around in boozers, not sure that making them drink it down in one was a good idea though it was about 9% proof.

Then on to the Gran Kaffee de Passage for yey another plate of Flemish stew for me and lamb chops for Mrs F and Old Nick. We didn't make the mistake of having a starter this time so the bill only came to 62 Euros with a bottle of rose and we still left well stuffed.

Popped back into t'Brugs Beerje for a nightcap wher I enjoyed this little number

named after perhaps the second most famous fictional Belgian after Tin Tin, and then on to bed before our journey home on Sunday

Passed the back of the British Museum on my way into work today and it was rammed with black Mercs and Beamers with fat blokes wearing cheap suits in the driving seats.

Wonder what's going on there?

My theory is that Ernst Stavro Blofeld is holding a Bond villain teamm building day, complete with exercises like building an underground missile silo from office furniture and taking over the world with just a laser pointer and Topic Bar.

Setting off early on Friday morning we arrived at the swanky new Eurostar terminal at St Pancras. Very pleasant check in, ticket through the gates, machine that goes ping manned by polite staff with hardly any waiting, no taking your shoes off or pissing around with stupid bags for liquids, then a cursory nod from a French copper on passports, thats it, y