The first letter of my first name is “S”

Stuff that starts with S

Famous Singer: Screaming Jay Hawkins.

Four letter word: Slut.

Street that you have been down: Strand.

Colour that expresses your mental
State: Silver

Gift/Present you would like to
Receive: Silk shirt.

Type of Vehicle: S Type Jag, the old one like the villains on the Sweeney .

Things in a souvenir shop: Souvenirs it was agift boom boom

Boy Name: Simon.

Girl name: Siobhan

Favourite movie title: Satanic Rites of Dracula

Alcoholic Drink: Starapramen

Occupation: Sailor

Famous Celebrity: Sienna Miller.

Magazine: Stuff

UK city: Stoke.

US city: San Francisco

Fruit: Strawberry.

Reason for being late for work: Sonambulism.

Something you throw away: Snot

Something you shout: Stuff and Nonsense.

Amazing thing history isn't it? I'm reading this fascinating book about the magician Jasper Maskelyne. He was the grandson of John Neville Maskelyne the fellow who created the Magic Circle.

During World War Two he voluntered his services to the Army as a camoflage expert and was shipped to Egypt, then under threat from Rommel's Afrika Corps. The Army needed tanks, but the only ones available were painted in green forest camoflage making them dead easy to spot.

Having no brown paint the Army turned to the magician. Finding gallons of Worcester Sauce in a dump outside Alexandria, it was mixed with camel dung to make a brown paint that didn't smell too bad when it dried.

Amazing stuff and good in a Bloody Hell Mary too, the sauce that is not the camel dung

There is a notice taped to the inside of the toilet door at my office that is headed

"Evacuation Assembley Point"

Nuff said

Well Meno had landed at Chez Cook by Saturday, delivered by the lovely Corioboria (welcome to cook's Friends list by the way) Mrs F and Old Nick have already documented the hugs, kisses, booze and laughs (Thanks for the prezzies by the way Meno) so I guess its up to cook to document the food.

As we were hostage to the M25 we decided on a sort of Spanish spread, part of which could be prepared before hand and part as we went.

First up the simple stuff shop bought black and green olives, boccaroni (anchovy fillets in oil and vinegar)and hard boiled quails eggs (remember not to drop the box before boiling them) served with warmed French Rustic and a Ciabada.

Ham and Cheese plate arrange Serano ham and Manchego cheese slices on a large plate with a small rose of Chorizo slices in the centre

Tomato, Pine Nut and Basil Salad: Chop up a punnet of tomatoes, stick em in a bowl, rip up a pack of basil, chuck it in the bowl with a finely chopped chilli pepper and a red onion, add a handfull of pine nuts. The dressing equal quantities of olive oil and white wine vinegar, add a good squeeze of harissa paste. Mix the whole lot together.

Tortilla Espaniole: see recipe on previous web page

Gomeran Cheese pate this is traditionally made with sheeps cheese on the Canary Island of La Gomera. I made it by crumbling Sheeps Milk Wensleydale into a bowl and adding about half a head of crushed garlic and two teaspoons of Spanish Pimenton powder, then blending it with just enough olive oil to bind it together, actually turned out not to dissimilar to the stuff we ate there.

Roast vegetables: Slice some Courgettes length wise and some red, green and yellow peppers, place in a roasting dish and sprinkle with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper, slop over some olive oil over them and bung in the oven for 30 minutes (you can also use parsnips, carrots and onions)

Potatas Bravas: wash a pack of small potatoes (don't peel them) roll them in sea salt bung in the oven in a roasting dish for about 40 minutes. To make the sauce empty a can of tomato puree into a pan add a slosh of Fino Sherry, a teaspoon of pimenton powder and some freshy ground black pepper. reduce the sauce.

When the spuds are done put em in a bowl pour the tomato sauce over the top followed by the contents of a small bowl of sour cream and chive dip.

Gambas con Alijo: Into hot oil drop a chilli pepper and some sliced garlic, then a pack of jumbo prawns, deep fry for a few minutes

Drinks: Mead, Bombay Sapphire Martinis, Soave, Green Goblin Cider, Hob Goblin Bitter and er ...... Palinka........ oblivion

1. Which band would you like to see reform?
The Gun Club might be a problem as Jeffrey Lee Pierce is dead, but its my blog my rules

2. What are your thoughts on the Spice Girls and Boyzone reunions?
Don't care its all football to me.

3. What's the best British band of all time?
Motorhead

4. Which band would you like to see split up and why?
This is a loaded question as you have the danger of each of the former members starting a solo career I'd rather the shit records were confined to just one band.

5. Friday fill-in: If I formed a band I would call it Fat Yeti and the Dog's dinner and I would be the Fat Yeti

Odd Billy: "Hello and welcome to a Managerwatch special. Tonight I'm joined by Hrolf Grabbitz as we return a manager to his natural environment over to you Hrolf"

Hrolf cradling a pink shirted, chino clad creature to his chest "Gdday viewers as Billy says tonight this little fella is being turned loose back with his own kind. Abandoned as youngster he was nurtured by ordinary workers, but now he thinks he has evolved beyond his fellows and its time for him to roam free"

"How do you think he's going to do Hrolf?"

"Well we knew he had to go back to his own kind when the workers turned on him after he mentioned a spreadsheet and looked covetously at a new Lexus, but what finally forced our hand was when he wanted to take them all on a team building exercise to a hotel in the middle of nowhere with very expensive drinks and shit food."

"That's serious stuff Hrolf and could have had disaterous consequences, but now" Billy opens the gates out into the conference room "its time fo him to go, yes there he goes blue tooth on his head flashing into life, chittering gibberish, goodbye little fella"

"Yes just look into the little fellas eyes, he's nervous, but don't worry it won't be long before he turns British industry into a right Cake and Arse Party!.

When the Queen applies for a job - don't gasp she might have to if Scotland goes independent-

Alex Salmond: "Now Mrs Windsor what do you think you can bring to this job?"

The Queen: "Well my family and I have been in this kind of business for several years."

- do you think that when she prints off her CV, instead of a passport photo she pastes a stamp on it.

Well there I was walking round Soho Square this lunchtime munching on a rather tasty lamb kebab wrap (basically a seekh kebab in a roti) when I noticed four outside broadcast vans and a whole host of TV crews and newspaper snappers outside what I later discovered to be the HQ of the FA.

I got stopped by a TV news reporter

"Excuse me sir can I ask you a few questions"
"OK" says Cook
"did you watch the game last night"
"No"
"have you heard anything about the game?"
"Only people moaning about it in the office."
"What do you think about England losing to Croatia"
"I don't really care."
"And finally what do you think about England being kicked out of the championship?
"Well hopefully there will be less Football on TV"
"You don't follow football do you?" asks the pretty young reporter by now sensing that its all a waste of time.
"No" says Cook

Well I guess there is no future for me on Match of the Day

Apparently this is RAF slang for things going a bit wrong. Try to introduce this to the wider world whenever you get the chance.

I'm still finding the new office disorientating, with everything being so white with rows and rows of desks and there being no pictures on the wall or anything to break the monotony. Legend has it that to get from one end to another you cross several Travelcard zones not to mention ecosystems.

Its must be like a heaven for minimalists, but by the end of the day my head was throbbing from the dazzle. Clare had a good idea though, she thought that we could project a moving light show on the wall behind Russell. It would be just like going to see Hawkwind in the early 70s. However I think we should just all get crayons and draw around each other on the wall and then colour ourselves in.

I went out for an explore at lunchtime and there are lots of shops (well a Waterstones and a Virgin megastore, now called something stupid like Zavvi)waiting to take money off me which is nice, and I had a beef and Stilton pasty from the Pasty shop for lunch.

And to maintain the absurd clear desk policy we are being given trays that slot into the dividers between desks. We can then fill the trays up with crap as they will be suspended above the desk surface, but we are not allowed to put stuff on the desk itself.

Things just get more bizarre by the hour.

Ever wondered why the Andrex Puppy never ages.

"He's a vampire, that's why" screams fearless vampire hunter, Brian Van Helsing:
"He never ages and never ventures outside into daylight otherwise he would shrivel into a pile of dust"

News of the cuddly canines secret has come as a blow to thousands of consumers.

Everything is painted brilliant white in here like a Powell and Pressburger colur saturated movie set of heaven - walls, ceilings, anything that does not move. I have a white phone and a white desk.

Whenever I peer over the top of my screen all I can see is the top of Russell's head surrounded by an aura of brilliant white. Has he become a God?

I'm completely knackered, having spent about five hours cutting up bits of tree and stuffing them in compost bags so this is more of an assembly job than real cooking.

So while Old Nick is watching Top Gear I have slammed two pheasants in bacon waistcoats in the oven at 220 degrees for 20 minutes then three sweet potatoes will go in on a separate baking dish.

After they have had another 20 minutes on will go the shredded red cabbage to boil. Then after another ten minutes, out come the birds to be divided amongst the three of us and in go the Yorkshires (shop bought I'm afraid), the red cabbage water will be used to make some instant Bisto gravy, red cabbage plated up, one sweet potato each skinned and on plate two Yorkshires each, gravy for Mrs F and Old Nick, none for me I prefur it dry.

Open bottle of Faustino I Rioja, slob out in front of TV, where did the weekend go?

Apologies to anyone wanting for my Spanish chicken dish it will be along later.

What a busy day its been, I pruned one of our trees and still haven't bagged up all the cuttings yet as it got too dark to see.

Anyhow we went to see Alice Cooper with Motorhead and Joan Jett (no they were playing support not going out with us) at Wembley's Empire Pool (Cook does not do rebranding)

First up was Joan Jett, she did the hits I Love Rock n' Roll, Crimson and Clover, Cherry Bomb, Hate Myself for Lovin You and some new stuff which was alright, big moron beat and chuggin riffs, bur not exactly memorable. Joan has always had shit choice when it comes to cover versions er Gary Glitter's Do you Wanna Touch anybody!

Next up Motorhead, well they are Motorhead so what do you expect? Cracked on with Dr Rock, Stay Clean, Metropolis and some newish stuff including a drum solo (does anyone like drum solos?), plus stonking cover of Thin Lizzie's Rosalie dedicated to Phil Lynott and polished off with Killed by Death. Back for an encore with Whorehouse Blues - Phil and Mickey on acoustic guitars and Lemmy vocals and harmonica, totally unexpected, blew me away. Then Ace of Spades and Overkill. First time I've seen Motorhead for yonks and I'd like to see them agian, but not in a barn like Wembley.

Incidentally check out the album Lemmy made with Slim Jim Phantom of 50's rock n' roll classics like Big River and Cut Accross Shorty its fabulous.

Well how's Alice going to top this? you may ask, Showmanship that's how. Kicking off with Under my Wheels and No More Mr Nice Guy, Alice played a rockin set with plenty of theatricals. Numbers included I'm Eighteen, Welcome to my Nightmare, Only women Bleed, Halo of Flies (with another fuckin drum solo)Dead Babies, Feed my Frankenstein, and Cold Ethel. Last time we saw him he had his head chopped off by a guilotine, this time he gets hung on a gallows only to wake again with I Love the Dead and close the show with School's Out

Encores Billion dollar Babies, Poison and Elected, completely brilliant, not bad for a bunch of pensioners.

Good to see Kizlode again after so long too.

Right I'm off to beddy byes or shall I have a wee drinkie, who knows what might happen.

Tonight I am cooking up some Spanish style chicken and spuds. If its any good will blog recipe tomorrow.

In other news I'm a bit worried about Spudsey he took off at lunchtime murmering about some nonsense about a TV show and needing to get a fitting for a chest wig.

Huge Fearnley Whitingstein called to say his crabs are now under control and Veston the Bloomingtroll left a message on my voicemail to say that he is going to go back in time to 1943 (at the BBC's expense) to make a Woolton Pie and in the interests of authenticity while he is away his wife is going to sleep with every American serviceman who knocks on the door with a pair of stockings and a bottle of Coke.

Last night I bid a fond farewell to Old Street's The Best Kebab as today is the last day in my old office. As ever lovely Doner and chips, but all is not lost as it is on the route home from our all new sparkly office in the west end.

Anyway when I got home I thought lets see whats on the telly. I was very disappointed that Katy Humble's promise of showing all the action from her beaver on Wednesday night only involved a lot of soggy rodents swimming around and eating trees.

Then I watched Hugh Fearnley Whitginstall catch crabs.

Lets that sink in... He caught a cock crab.....

and then murdered it with a screwdriver between the eyes! Put some live langoustines in the freezer and then boiled them and ate a raw razor shell clam. Blimey its like a food show directed by Martin Scorcese!

Bosun Gravy just rowed us down to the ships in his jolly boat, and Spudsey nearly had us capsized in his excitement when he spied a bloody great Christmas tree and vaulted over the side.

"Steady on shipmate" I says, "think of your poor tranplanted liver."

"Its no good Cook" he replied "Every time I see a tree it makes me want to do what us bears do in the woods"

"Makes me bloody mad it do, with it only being half past Guy Fawlkes night the shop is done out like Santa's bloody grotto!"

Spudsey and I went for a walk down Moorgate at lunchtime to escape the Arctic conditions of the office, Normally he wouldn't be bothered but since he had his fur shaved for the liver transplant he is feeling the cold a bit.

Anyway as we were passing Tiffinbites we saw the above emblazoned on the side of a van. "Now I'm all for equality" he said,"in fact some of my best pals are even penguins, but I think banks should be inclusive and cater for straight people as well!"

"Silly old bear" I replied "It probably belongs to that chap from the Village People you know the construction worker, I guess since the hits dried up he has gone back to the trade. Shall we get a jalfrazee wrap?"

And with that we joined the line behind the motorcycle cop and the cowboy.

I'm not saying its cold here in my office, but I nearly had someone's eye out with my nipple.

A colleague of mine has been told that he is in violation of the workplace clear desk policy.

The means of informing him was.... wait for it

A note left on his desk!

Sadly I doubt that the petty minded idiot who saw fit to leave the note concerning the enforcement of such a daft idea would see the humour in his action.

Would the loudest thing in the world be a conversation between Brain Blessed and Barry Scott (he of the Cillet Bang ads) at a Motorhead gig?

"Oi Cookie be you going to tell us how you made those there meatballs" enquired Bosun Gravy, smacking his lips, his beard glistening with the sauce.

"Aye they be right tasty" added saucy wench Tartarre dabbing at a stain on her blouse with her neckerchief.

"And ye kept the folks out there in Blogland, waiting for a day or more to boot", put in Master Surgeon Tripe, arriving fresh from Spudsey's bedside.

"Right this be how its done." answered the handsome chef stroking his fine moustaches with one hand and setting down his martini glass with the other.

This will stretch to three or four hungry pirates.

Wallop the contents of a pack of minced beef (700gms) into a bowl, add a teaspoon of cumin and a good handfull of coarsely chopped fresh coriander. Then separate an egg yoke from the white, set the yoke aside for later and bung the white in. Using your freshly scrubbed hands squidge it all together and form the meat into balls.

Heat some oil in a deep pan with some cumin seeds, as the seeds pop place the meatballs in the oil and brown the outsides, take them out and set aside. Into the pan go a chopped onion, three chopped birdseye chilis and about six chopped garlic cloves, give them a good stir about.

When the onions start to go translucent add a can of chopped tomatoes (14p at the supermarket, absolutely fine) and to intensfy the tomato flavour add a can of tomato puree. Finish Gin Gibson, eat the little gin soaked pickled onion, then crack open a bottle of Asahi Extra Dry(50p thank you Reduced-to-clear-man, sod Batman, he's Cook's favourite superhero). Glug, glug.

Add a bloody good squeeze of harissa paste, now you can get this in many supermarkets but if you can find an Arab or Asian grocer you can get the real thing for about 60p a tube, rather than the rip off supermarket price. And while you are thee you might as well stock up with bargain spices too.

Quarter a lemon, squeeze in the juice and then add the quarters to the sauce. To balance the flavours add a tablespoon of honey, give it a big stir then place the meatballs back in the pan, if you need to add some water to keep it moist and let it simmer away for twenty minutes of so, while you make the cous cous.

Right to make the cous cous is easy. Cous cous in the pan add enough boiling water to cover it and leave it alone for a couple on minutes. Fluff it up with the fork check its edible, add some more water if you need to. Bung a knob of butter in a give it a stir. To make it a bit more interesting I added some chopped dates and dried herbs, (many North African dishes like to combine sweet and savoury flavours). You could also use raisins, dried apricots, prunes, flaked almonds, whatever you fancy.

Ok to finish off the meatballs add to the pan some more freshly chopped coriander and the egg yoke, add six more eggs and let them poach in the sauce. When the eggs are ready, plate up the meatballs on the cous cous and serve with a delightfully chilled white Sicilian wine from Sainsbury (at £2.99 a bottle). You might want to discard the cooked out lemon quarters before someone eats them!

Music, as mentioned before Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss to cook to, then maybe some Afro-Celts

I did a wee bit of housekeeping and deleted a few names from my friends list this morning, mostly people who don't seem to be active in blogland anymore. If you didn't want to go, don't be offended it not meant as a snub, send me a PM and I will willingly have you back.

Right I'm off to cook some North African style meatballs with either cous cous or spicy cracked wheat, depending upon whats in the cupboard.

Gin Gibson at hand, cold beer in the fridge Robert Plant and Alison Krause on the stereo. One two three four....Went to the fortune teller.....

Spudsey Bear was recovering in hospital yesterday after an emergency four hour transplant operation when a donor organ became available to replace his alcohol ravaged liver.

Sitting by his bedside in a sparkling gown and a cheap publicity stunt, Saint Diana said: "It was touch and go while Britain's favourite ursine fought for his very life on the operating table.There were times when we thought the years of high living and celebrity parties had finally come home to knock the stuffing out of him."

Obviously tired after his stint wielding the knife Master Surgeon Tripe added "I'm not going to lie and say this wasn't a tough gig, complications meant that what should have been a routine operation almost lasted as long as one of those bloody awful French and Saunders Christmas show sketches that drag on for ages with only one decent punchline."

Spudsey shot to fame in the late 1980s in a worthwhile, but seemingly endless charity evening where soap stars failed dismally at being funny in lame contrived sketches. Knowing that they had hit a winning formula TV controllers endlessly reiterated the show, being quite aware that viewers will put up with any old low production value tripe when its for charity.

When asked for comment Shipscook said: "I'm delighted to see Spudsey on the road to recovery. I had every confidence in Master Surgeon Tripe, when liver goes under his blade he really knows his onions."

Walked from Clerkenwell to the West End this morning to visit my new office. The leg held up well, although I am now feeling it a bit.

The new office is vast and painted brilliant white, kind of like the vision of heaven in A Matter of Life and Death only the costumes are not as good and no one has wings. Well none that I can see.

The knee is much better now, still get the odd twinge but walking is OK and for the first time this week I can comfortably crouch down to get stuff out of the fridge and more to the point get back up again.

Thanks once more for all the healing energies folks, must be working for me.

Is it me or has the page view counter gone nuts, how can I have had over the last two days around 100 visitors making 2000 odd page views each day, unless the security forces are monitoring me for any more creative uses of those stupid little airport bags for liquids

Next time you are in an airport help yourself to loads of those pathetic little bags for liquid and use them as freezer bags for very small things.

Had a busy day at work today (or rather yesterday) with lots of proofs to get ready for artwork. I found that while I was up and moving about the knee would loosen up and I would regain something of a normal gait as opposed to that of a comedy Richard III.

The problem is that for much of the time I'm sitting down and it was the getting up that was painful. On the way home we stopped for petrol and I twisted it again getting back into the car. I think I will give it a day and then see if I can get an appointment with the quack if it does not radicaly improve.

Thanks to everyone who has sent me hugs and psychic healing energy.

I was happily reading Kim Newman's Man From the Diogenes Club yesterday evening when I sneaked a peek at the acknowlegements towards the rear of the book. Kim is nothing if not honest about giving credit to his sources and influences, which is one of the reasons I like him.

There aside from the expected nods to Conan Doyle, The Nightstalker, Department S and Jason King was Ace of Wands! A kids series from the 1970s that I had completely forgotten about until now. The hero, Tarot, was a stage magician who was also a psychic investigator. He had long hair, groovy clothes, an E-type Jag and a pet owl called Ozymandius. He also had a female side kick with whom he shared a psychic link. The stories were mostly supernatural or to do with aliens or mad science, but this was the 1970s way before The X-Files.

Or was the reason I liked it so much (given that I was about 13 and full of rampaging hormones at the time) down to the female side kick rarely wearing a bra under her T-Shirt

After a bit of digging I discovered that the video tapes of the first two series of the show have been wiped by ITV, but the third (where Tarot got a new set of assistants) is still around. Wonder if it looks so good today?

I think after what the BBC have done with Dr Who its time to dust Ace of Wands off for a new series ITV instead of bollocks Torchwood rip offs like Primeval.

First of all welcome to my new pal Artemis Toxia who's blog is full of interesting stuff about bows and arrows in Greece, Rome and Egypt. Good to have you on board.

Just so you know blog fans, the knee feels much better today, even after walking down to the Doctors where the nurse stuck a big needle in my arm and pumped it full of sickly flu microbes.

I can only put this down to the amazing psychic healing powers of Bunnybunbunbun and Mr Carrot, thanks guys!