"Arrggh she be a fine figure of a woman" said Bosun Gravy "that Nigella, got a healthy pair of lungs so she has!"

"But a lazy trollope when it comes to food preparation" added Master Surgeon Tripe

"I think its nuttin short of food porn, Shipscook" said saucy wench Tartarre, "and beans instead of spuds it just ain't right. Show us how you'd make it for the scurvy crew?"

Bung some olive oil in the pan add two chopped onions, about six chopped cloves of garlic and two chopped chili peppers. When they have gone translucent add a packet of Waitrose Hampshire bacon(its the type of piggie, much nicer than that nasty Oscar Mayer streaky bacon, Nigella has in her fridge and British too!) bits and let the succulent juicy fat ouze into the pan then three chopped chicken breasts. When the meat has sealed sling in about half a bottle of white wine, which will help to deglaze the pan and incorporate the caramalised meat and oniony goodness, a slug of wine vinegar, a chicken stock cube and a can of chopped tomatoes. As the sauce reduces drink the rest of the wine and add a good quantity of chopped fresh basil and about the same amount of tarragon. Taste the sauce and if its too tart add some sugar or if you have some, a table spoon of honey and stir it in.

When the sauce has thickened up serve with some small cut roast spuds garnished with rosemary.

"It be better than Nigella's and you don't have to pretend to be having oral sex with it either, unless of course you want too!" added Saucy Wench Tartarre.