Following on from the comment about Ugly Bastard and his highly original nick name. What's the best nickname you have ever been given?

Mine would have to be "Joyofsexman" after one of my PR pals (thanks Lord Warriner of Brentwood) observed a certain similarity to the the gent in the classic 70s manual.

Spotted the guest ale, Ptarmigan, on a visit to my local at lunchtime. Reminded me of one of those days from the late 70s when my mate Ugly Bastard (so called because he was an ugly bastard) piped up on the way to the pub.

"Why have the Clash written a song about a Scottish game bird?"

All together now

"Ptarmigan
Feathers turn white in the Winter's sun
Ptarmigan
Barrel load of buckshot up its bum.."

"Arrrr, there be only a scurvy Ciabatta in the bread locker and two hungry pirates to feed" said Saucy Wench Tartarre "What you gonna do shipscook?"

"Must be what's left over after presenting my sausage in a bap to the crew this morning! now let me see."

Quantities should be judged according to the size of your ciabatta. First chop up a small red onion and set aside, then chop up about 15 or so cherry tomatoes, put em in a bowl. Take a bunch of coriander and chop it up very fine, including the stalks chuck it in the bowl and give it a good stir with your fingers.

Ok cut the ciabatta lengthwise and place it on a baking tray. Spread the tomato mixture over the upper face of the two halves, including any juice that has seeped out. Then librally distribute the chopped onion over the top followed by a generous sprinkling of grated cheese (I used Wexford cheddar)

Slam it into a very hot oven for about 12 to 15 minutes then eat.

Our in house caterers have excelled themselves today in honour of our Chinese guests.

Aside from the spring rolls we have pork pies garnished with a prawn cracker and a wee shred of bell pepper and chive!

Well what do you expect from Cornwell as he fills the gaps left in the original sharpe series. Set in Spain during the Wellington's Peninsula Campaign of 1811, Sharpe gets cut off behind enemy lines, fights his way back to Cadiz where he foils a plot to blackmail the British ambassadour.

This naturally involves much violence,arson and general mayhem and the story ends on the battlefield at Barossa where Sharpe and his mates help the Brits and their Portuguese allies carry the day.

Within the story is sub-plot featuring the devious Lord Pumphrey of British Intelligence who was introduced in Sharpe's Prey, which is not fully resolved here, so I imagine this will be carried forward into the next Sharpe story Bernard writes to fill in the gaps of the original canon.

As ever the book has been researched to the utmost detail and the characters interact with real historical people in a believable manner.

As with the previous books the characters become more complex and interesting, but I can't help but think that this will cause some disappointment to new readers who try to read the books in their correct series order.

Bloody good read though with plenty of action and some commitment free nookie for the hero too.

Well it is isn't it, Nigella cooking and eating Coq ou Alsace!

nuff said

"Oh look Ship's Cat 2 has made herself a nest, isn't she sweet!"

Only it was made from Vol 5 of the Savage Sword of Conan and the original artwork from my Fabulous Ferlands Comic Strip (Ran for seven episodes in the office I worked in back in the late eighties).

Oh well so it goes

We went to the seaside today, to Brighton to be precise and had a bit of fun wandering around visiting shops, pubs and a rather nice Tapas bar (Casa Don Carlos, 5 Union Street)as well as the Brigton Pavillion where fatty George led a life of sin and indulgence lucky man.

Lunch was rather splendid, we had a plate of olives followed by potatas bravas(oven roasted spuds with tomato and mayonaise)some jolly nice meatballs, tortilla espaniol, chick peas in a meaty sauce, prawns in garlic uil, paella and some chozizo flambaed in rum, with wine and water all for £51.20 including service, what a delicious bargain.

Anyway must go now as dinner beckons chicken cooked with venison sausage and roast spuds umm

Bored with washing up?

Invite Cherie Booth to dinner she will help, because, sing

"Hands that Judicious can be as soft as........."

"Arrggh she be a fine figure of a woman" said Bosun Gravy "that Nigella, got a healthy pair of lungs so she has!"

"But a lazy trollope when it comes to food preparation" added Master Surgeon Tripe

"I think its nuttin short of food porn, Shipscook" said saucy wench Tartarre, "and beans instead of spuds it just ain't right. Show us how you'd make it for the scurvy crew?"

Bung some olive oil in the pan add two chopped onions, about six chopped cloves of garlic and two chopped chili peppers. When they have gone translucent add a packet of Waitrose Hampshire bacon(its the type of piggie, much nicer than that nasty Oscar Mayer streaky bacon, Nigella has in her fridge and British too!) bits and let the succulent juicy fat ouze into the pan then three chopped chicken breasts. When the meat has sealed sling in about half a bottle of white wine, which will help to deglaze the pan and incorporate the caramalised meat and oniony goodness, a slug of wine vinegar, a chicken stock cube and a can of chopped tomatoes. As the sauce reduces drink the rest of the wine and add a good quantity of chopped fresh basil and about the same amount of tarragon. Taste the sauce and if its too tart add some sugar or if you have some, a table spoon of honey and stir it in.

When the sauce has thickened up serve with some small cut roast spuds garnished with rosemary.

"It be better than Nigella's and you don't have to pretend to be having oral sex with it either, unless of course you want too!" added Saucy Wench Tartarre.

spread some butter or marge,helps if the roll is warm.

On the Downroll, butter, three fishfingers and salad cream. Arrrgh.

Better late than never with a Pirate breakfast. You can also use tartarre sauce, mayonaise or ketchup if ye like ye scurvy lags, but in Cook's and the capt'ns opinion salad cream is the salty sea-dog's xxxxxxx

Enjoy with a drop of Bumbo as favoured by us pirates over the Royal Navy's Grog.

Splash a genourous slug of dark rum in a tumbler and add about half as much water. Dissolve a teaspoon of sugar into the mix with a sprinkle of cinnamon or nutmeg.

I just had a brilliant idea to speed up mail deliveries!

Why not give postmen a pair of heelies so they can glide down the street with our post.

As I walked down Bunhill Row an ice cream van pulled out of Featherstone Street, nothing strange in that you may think, but then as the van struck up its chimes a Royal Mail van pulled out after it and I thought wouldn't it be great if Royal Mail vans played a tune too.

There you would be expecting that urgent parcel and then you hear Greensleaves announcing that the post had turned up ... fantastic or what?

But why stop there cop cars could have chimes that play the theme from the Sweeney and dustcarts My Old Man's a Dustman. Brilliant! Come on Cook, Gravy, Tripe and Tartarre Image and Branding Consultants, there's a commission out there ready to be earned.

You can get lost

Ahoy there shipmates here's a tasty recipe for the weekend prepared while listening to the divine Ute Lemper singing Kurt Weill the other week (on CD of course, its not like she popped round to complain about the noise or borrow some milk or anything like that) Anyway there was only enough for four people so she'd have gone hungry anyway.

I sent Bosun Gravy down to Waitrose to pick up a Cheapo pack of four chicken breasts, some root veg, continental sausage, herbs and wine.

When he eventually got back I sloshed a bit of olive oil in a big pan, chucked in two chopped onions, four chopped chillis, half a head of chopped garlic and a chopped leak. For veg you can use spuds, parsnips, turnip and carrots, choped em up and bunged em in. Cut up the sausages, I used a mix of chorizo and a really nice Catalonian smoked wild boar sausage from Waitrose, stuck them in the pan for the fat to flavour the oil. Then chopped the chicken into bite size bits and bunged them in.

Added some seasoning: black pepper, sweet paprika (four teaspoons did the trick)lots of fresh basil and tarragon and two teaspoons of Dijon mustard. When the chicken had sealed a bottle of cheapo white wine went in with a chicken stock cube. then I left it for an hour or two to bubble away sticking a bit of water in to stop it from drying out from time to time.

I served this up on a bed of cous cous

I cheated with the cous cous and used Sainsburys Morrocan style it only takes minutes to make.

1. If you had to play a roll in any film past or present , what film would it be and what character would you play?
Philip Marlowe in The Big Sleep (Bogart not Bob Mitchum), why he gets to smoke untipped fags, drink and the girl (the young Lauren Bacall whoohoo! oh yeah and the bird in the bookshop)as well as solving the mystery

2. If you had to choose another name for yourself, what would it be?
Anything so long as it isn't late for dinner

3. What is the first thing you notice when meeting someone of the opposite sex?
Whether their eyes sparkle with mischief or humour.

4. If you had to move to another country, where would it be?
Spain (Ibiza), Denmark (Copenhagen),

5. What are you most proud of about yourself?
My daughter

6. if you wanted to impress someone what would you cook.
Salmon and Scollops in frisky whisky sauce, warm potato salad and Chef's salsa served up with a large Gin and It

7. Name five things you associate with Sweden.
Elk, Saabs, reindeer and horseraddish wraps, salmon with dill, fucking expensive booze

8. If you were given £300 that you had to spend on yourself in just one shop, what shop would that be?
Books

9. Name one living person you would like to meet. And who would that be?
Boris Johnson I think he would be very funny

10. If you were to be remembered in the history books, for what would that be?
Someone who made other people happy

I got a new external hard drive to take some of the strain of storing stuff on the computer. On the box it said something like stores loads of stuff in a device the size of a stapler. Fair enough it was quite dinky, but then why was the box so big?

Cook is a sucker for a good Holmes pastiche and the late Val Andrews wrote loas of them. Generally set in the period after the great detectve's retirement to Sussex and his bees, they often delve into the world of the theatre and particularly the magic show. This is no great surprise as Andrews had worked with many of TVs top illusionists including I believe David Nixon.

This particular story is a set of two parts and in part one Holmes is engaged by the stage magician and escapologist Harry Houdini to expose a spiritualist who is conning Sir Athur Conan Doyle (which is quite a neat idea in itself). In part two after Houdini's own death, Holmes is hired by his widow to prove that Houdini was murdered. Won't spoil anyone's fun by revealing what happens, but its quite quite a good story with some amusing incidents as the investigation takes Holmes and Watson from London to New York and Budapest.

Sadly even Inspector Barnaby of Midsummer could have worked out the conclusion way before its revelation, without even Joyce meeting the suspects at the WI or Cully going undercover at the local bookshop or riding stables, and the characters are a little thin. However the pleasure of reading Andrews's pastiches is in what he can tell us about the world of stage illusion and theatre and he knew a lot. A good way to pass a few hours in an afternoon

I saw this on the side of a van today

"The answer's yes.

Now whats the question?"

What a load of corporate cock, so its yes to

"Are cat's made of liquorish?"

"can you get pregnant by eating custard?"

"Why do dog's like licking their parts?"

"Are chips any good for radiation shielding?"

"Are we getting paid a lot for this kind of crap?"

Yes is the correct answer to only one of these I suspect

For that special celebratory morning try this.

Night before, put a bottle of Champagne or Cava in the fridge.

In the morning.

Beat six eggs together with a few chopped chives and a twist or two of black pepper, melt some butter in a pan and scramble them.

Make some fresh coffee and toast some decent bread (not that sliced rubbish). Butter the toast, layer a slice of smoked salmon (Sainsburys have Alaskan wild caught smoked salmon on special offer at the moment) over the toast and serve with the scrambled eggs.

Uncork the Fizz and serve up, in bed naturally.

To make an impact why not slip on a bit of John Barry say the theme from On Her Majesty's Secret Service, speaking of which check out the splendidly atmospheric Gothic/Steam Punk version by Vernian Process

http://www.gothpunk.com/formaldihyde/vernianprocess.html

Just the thing if Bond was to join the ranks of the undead and if you think that's a bit crazy try reading Kim Newman's Dracula Cha Cha Cha!

Better follow that up with a Cook's Bloody Hell Mary!

I was saddened to hear that former Girlschool Kelly Johnson had died from Spinal Cancer. She was the same age as me which sort of brings things home a bit.

OK I know Girlschool were not exactly the Beatles, but I think the biggest part of Kelly's legacy was that she got out there with a bunch of her mates and proved that girls could play rock'n'roll on the same bill with the likes of Motorhead and Hawkwind.

And she wrote some not bad songs and was a fair guitar slinger too. In my opinion what let them down was the horrible tinny production on their first couple of albums.

May your goddess go with you girl

Also sad farewell to Lee Hazlewood, but at least he had a good innings

More Diana nonsense
Went to pick up a takeaway from our friends at Bengal Spice and took a look through the Daily Express while I was waiting. Nine pages including the front and centre spread about that bloody womans service. For gods sake is there nothing happening out there?

Nothing like our boys being killed in Dubbya's stupid war on the country formerly run by the man who his daddy left in power to continue murdering his subjects or the obcenity that is this government's attempt to get us all hooked on gambling while being monitored by CCTV everywhere we go.

And while we are at how come the government that was elected to be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime seems to be fining people big time for leaving their wheelie bins in the wrong place, parking over a line or dropping a sweet wrapper while letting high streets descend into an orgy of drunken abuse and violence every Friday and Saturday night and doing sod all about it.

Rant over I'm off to bed