I can't get my head round this Diana business.

Why is the media always banging on about her. I know its ten years since her death and its all very sad for the family etc, but what is it to us? She never did much aside from a bit of charity work (nothing unusual about that, many people do it without running to the papers after all), looking pretty, court celebrity and then complain about the media attention that she obviously basked in. Its not as if she invented anything useful or wrote a good book.

The cult has always puzzled me, first of all there was the quite bizarre public outpouring grief by people she never even knew or met. Then people that I thought were quite rational were going into London to sign the condolance book and every week the papers are full of rubbish about her, especially that conspiracy theory nonsense. Lets face getting in the car with a a pissed driver just isn't a good idea.

I once attended an event where the Duchess of York made a speech and she came accross as an intelligent and informed young woman, yet she is denigrated while Diana is worshipped.

Who said life was fair

Went out to get some lunch and saw one of those private ambulances. Printed large upon its side the slogan "Bringing Excellence to Life"

Er an ambulance? What complete Total Quality, Brand Reputation, Customer First bollocks I can only imagine the sort of fee they paid some bullshit merchant up west with tiny spex and a clear desk, to think of that degree of nonsense.

Over to the offices of Cook, Gravy, Tartarre and Tripe, corporate Image and Branding Consultants

Creative Director Cook opens the meeting "Good Morning everyone. Now we have a new client who is looking for an instantly recognisable branding identity for their vehicle fleet, may I introduce Esau Mecoming of Gullible Healthcare"

"Morning, would you like a latte and a croissant?" asks Account Manager Tripe remembering to add the cost to the final account as sundry items. "We have rocket, thrush and mayo or raddichio with smoked badger and garnish of grated puffin."

Cook adjusts his smug little glasses "What the client wants is an instantly recognisable identity for his vehilcle fleet so that" and making a quotation mark sign with his fingers "customers can recognise their vehicles for transfering patients between centres of clinical excellance."

"You mean the places formerly known as hospitals?" enquired Junior Account Director Tartarre.

"Precisely" said Cook "Lets throw some ideas into the melting pot, run them up the flagpole and see if it sticks."

"How about we put a flashing light on the top of the van, that makes them look important, just like the ones used by those chaps working with the local community, formerly known as the police."

"Brilliant Gravy, I like that"

"and a siren to tell everyone they are coming"

"Good"

"And we could paint the word ambulance on the side."

"Well I don't know about that, how many of today's movers and shakers know what that is? You are assuming a level of familiarity with out dated concepts like.."

"Calling railway customers passengers." jeered Tartarre

"Or not calling a shit burger bar or fried chicken shop a restaurant!" added Tripe, as the executives fell about laughing

"But then we could add the slogan 'Moving Sick People About' its what ambulances do isn't it?"

"Great!" added Esau Mecoming, "but can we call them customers instead of people?"

Exasperated Cook replied "I'm sorry the railways have already copyrighted the word customer for the people formerly known as passengers."

"Well that will have to do then, what's the damage Squire?"

"£80,000 plus expenses"

"Done" exit Mr Mecoming

"You have been" added Cook "Anyone for a caviarre, truffle and dolphin panini?"

Its been a bit of a busy old weekend at Cook's Harbour so I haven't had much time for bloggin, but here is a variation on our traditional lazy Sunday breakfast just for the Bank Holiday.

Grill eight rashers of good quality bacon, I like maple or black treacle cured. While the bacon is under the grill cut four bagels in half (this time they were poppy seed with carmalised garlic and onion yummy) and grate a lump of mature cheddar (Wexford, Davidstowe or Canadian are good)into a bowl. Mix in a good handfull of chopped chives and pile this over the open top half of the bagel.

Now spread a thin film of brown sauce (optional) over the lower half of the bagel and place two cooked rashers on each, stick the cheesy halves under the grill for a few minutes to melt the cheese, then marry the two halves together. I like to use the same grill pan that I did the bacon in to flavour the bagel iids with the bacon fat.

Sling the cats/dogs/hyenas in the garden, then serve up in bed of course, with some freshly brewed coffee and maybe a Cook's Bloody Hell Mary!

No not the walking carpet from Star Wars but Wrigleys Extra Fusion being given away at stations now.

Pieter the Dutchman just left some for the lucky crew as he took ship for Croydon

"Umm Orange, Pineapple and banana" mused Bosun Gravy

"Smells orangey but very atificial, just the way sweets should be" added Saucy Wench Tartarre as she opened the box "But some bastard has glued them into the box!" And they were indeed difficult to get out of the packaging

"I only get the lab made orange flavour" added Master Surgeon Tripe, "But it lasts a good ten minutes"

"Now for the raspberry, blackcurrant and grapefruit flavour" said Cook

"Very strong artificial nose on this chewy" says Saucy Wench Tartarre.

"Flavour lasts well, a bit like an acidic blackcurrant don't get any raspberry though" added the bosun

"Probably strips the enamel off your teeth" put in the surgeon

Alright for a freebie, but not sure I'd buy it

Needless to say when we got to Edinburgh it was raining and it kept raining all day Saturday. still it didn't stop the fun. That night we went back to the Ghandi (50 Fountain Bridge) where we treated the Moff and some student pals to a curry. considering there were five of us, great value at £95 including drinks and a tip. I had chicken Podani, not overspiced and cooked with mint, lovely so it was.

Sunday and after a deep fried breakfast (I couldn't get the grill to work) we were ready for some shows. Did the Early Edition at the Udderbelly with Marcus Brigstock and Andre Vincent. Top notch entertainment much like his BBC 4 show with guest panellists including Ian Stone and Andy Zaltzman. Very, very funny,but when you have material inspired by the Mail on Sunday (Asylum seekers given bourbons and custard creams) you can't go wrong for satire.

We then saw Howard and Mimi at the Gilded Balloon, a story of a couple moving in together, told through her cat Mimi and his dog Howard. Nice characterisation by the actors playing dog and cat but began to wear a bit thin when stretched to an hour.

After a fish supper from the Century Fish Bar we saw the One Man Star Wars show at the Cow Barn. I'm not a great Star Wars fan and I found this show overlong with only about four decent jokes.

On Monday we ate lunch at Greyfriars Bobby (Candlemaker Row), where I had good sized portion of fish and chips with salad and mushy peas for £6.50, shame none of the real ales were on, but I guess there were plenty of thirsty festival goers around as many of the pubs had the same problem.

Found a great little North African/Middle Eastern food store where we got loads of spices (100gms for 69p, much better than rip off supermarkets)and some Harissa in a big tube for 69p. The Red Sea Food Store in Marshall Street. We stashed them in the suitcase, can't be too careful in the War Against Terror!

That evening we were also hoping to eat at El Mariachi the Halal Mexican near the mosque in Potterow, but it's now a Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant, we gave it a go anyway. all prepared by a chef at the table Moff and I went for Scallop Teppanyaki while Mrs F had the Chicken Teryaki. all very theatrical, but the drawback with this kind of cooking is that the food gets served when its ready so the different parts of your meal can arrive in any order so my Scallops arrived (and got eaten!) long before the rice and vegetables did. With a bottle of plum wine the three of us ate for £66.40.

Then on to thew Ensign Ewart for a few drinks, but did take in some of the music from the Tattoo from outside the castle, band of the Blues and Royals (my Grandad's regiment) and the Trinidad and Tobago Defence Force Steel Band very jolly!

Naturally no trip to the Edinburgh Festival is complete without a celebrity close encounter, we passed Rory McGrath outside the chip shop on the way home.

Tuesday home with a sodding delay at Edinburgh Airport.

The happy crew got taken to a delightful little gastropub called the Fox as a special treat for making special things for special people.

Downstairs its a fairly traditional boozer with a good selection of beers, The restaurant is upstairs and it opens on to a terrace for outdoor dining during fine weather. We ate inside!

I started with a meze plate (about £5.00). Very nicely presented there was some houmous, tzatziki, aubergine pate, olives, grated beetroot and carrot, my only complaint is that it could have done with some pitta bread to soak up the dips.

This was followed by a Bavette of beef (a pan seared flank cut not a new Toyota) served with larded potatoes and green beans (£14.50 or thereabouts). Again presentation was lovely and the beef was cooked to perfection.

I followed this up with a pear and quince granita served with a vodka shot (£5.00), just the thing to clear the palette.

Bit vague on the prices as the firm picked up the tab, but including wine, coffees and side dishes but 7 of us ate and drank for about £210.

Al in all nice pub with great food, highly recommended.

The Fox 28-30 Paul Street London EC1 020 7729 5708
Nearest tube Old Street

Now when I put up my recipe last night I had made the salsa before cooking the fish. The whisky sauce came to me as an after thought. this is how it happened.

I fried the salmon fillets in butter flipping them after about four minutes and chucking the scollops in and giving the lot about another three minutes. Then I asked Old Nick to get some Scotch while I plated the fish with the potato salad and the salsa. In he came with a bottle of 12 year old Singleton single malt. Chucked a large slug of this into the pan with the remnants of the fish and the butter, wizzed it around a bit and poured it over the fish.

Yummy

The thing about being a ship's cook is the need to improvise.

On the voyage home from Whipsnade we decided to pillage Waitrose. Now what with it being 6.30 in the evening there was bugger all there.

"What can we eat Shipscook?" demanded Bosun Gravy.

"Aye I'm fit to starve for want of vitals" added Master Surgeon Tripe.

"Well there be some reduced Alaskan Salmon and some scallops we could fry em together in butter with a tomato salsa and warm new spud salad with some of them there chives" I said.

So on with the vintage Richard and Linda Thompson (Hokey Pokey, from 1975 before they became muslims and got divorced, By the way anyone see This is Hawkwind do not Panic last night on BBC 4 awesome! mental note I need Space Ritual on CD)

Ok the Salmon and Scallops pan fried in butter I don't think I need to tell ye how to do it, same with the spud salad, just refer to my previous recipe and use chives instead of spring onions.

For the salsa drink a bottle of French lager, 30p from my friend Reduced to Clear Man at Sainsbury, then chop three bird's eye chilis, a good handfull of fresh coriander, some fresh basil, a red onion and some tomatoes and bung em in a dish add a teaspoon of horseradish mustard and mix it all together with your freshly scrubbed mits. Stick it in the fridge until you need it. Then make a a gin and It while the spuds cook foillowed by a bottle of 90p Hobgoblin also from Reduced to Clear Man.

Serve it all up together with lashings of beer. Fall Over

Night Night

Allo

Ship's Cat One here. The monkeys have been out for ages, perhaps they have got shut in the garage again or something silly sods, so I'm having a go on the computer.

Big welcome to Squeaky he's an handsome fellow, but if I catch him peeing in my back yard he's for it, well that's so long as he ain't got no gonads or is bigger than me, that is, I'm not that dumb.

Well its been an interesting week for me at Cook's mooring done lots of sleeping, scoffing and chasing my sister round the garden and coz Moff's been home Ship's Cat Two and I have been able to come and go as we like. So no holding on all day to use the litter tray for us. On Wednesday Old Nick came round so we made sure that there were plenty of very stinky poos in the tray by the time he showed up.

Ship's Cat Two always grovels to Old Nick, mostly to make Mrs F think she prefers him to her, and she did make me laugh when she wiped her bum on the carpet and the fat Cook had to chase her round with some carpet shampoo.

On Thursday morning Cook locked us in the kitchen, the bastard, without our breakfast when we got him up at 3.30 don't know what his problem is it was light and I wanted a solid foundation in my tum before going out to murder some birds. Then he came down hours later, gave us some crap from a pouch and did some bacon sandwiches for the monkeys.

As the tantalising smell of grilling bacon wafts all over the house he stands by the open door, yells "Come on Puss" and flings a tiny bacon fragment outside. So I goes out and he shuts the door on me! Thereby putting an end to my plans of intimidating the monkeys into giving me their breakfast with my gimlet eyes and savage claws.

I'm so starving that I have to kill a squirrell and just as I'm about to tuck in the fat bastard comes out, puts it in a bag and dumps it in the wheely bin. I was gobsmacked if he's going to nick my bleedin dinner he could at least eat it!

Come the evening two old monkeys from Spain turn up. The old female says "come here kitty" and wiggles her fingers at me, so I think lets have some fun. I get up, have a long stretch and stroll over to her purring all the time, then I walk right round her chair and go and sit on Cook's knee, from where I can stare at her as Cook tickles my ears all evening, she's so jealous, what a scream.

Got locked in the kitchen without any breakfast again this morning, all I'd done was nibble his elbow a bit at 3.30 am! Then I got slung out in the freezing cold after another crap breakfast until the Moff let me in.

Anyway have to go now as Ship's Cat Two wants the computer to look for some pink nail varnish.

The plan had been for Bosun Gravy to row me down to the shops in the jolly boat where we could get some nice monkfish or salmon, but once we got past the "back to school" cut-outs we discovered that there must have been a run (or should that be a swim?) on fish as there was bugger all in the shop.

Spying a notice in the veg dept Bosun Gravy said "It say there be "availability issues" with the veg Cook, caused by much of the UK being underwater recently"

"What kind of tosh is that Mr Sainsbury?" says Cook "What ye be meaning is that the recent weather problems have led to some veg being is short supply after all veg don't have issues themselves"

"Must be the effects of a terrible diesease" quoth Master Surgeon Tripe who fancied a day out with Cook and Gravy, and so had tagged along.

"Management speak, once it gets a grip the poor swabs can't speak their native tongue no more, they can only speak in buzzwords, stupid analogies and slogans that mangle the English language. Other symptons include a burning desire to own a Lexus, a fascination with spreadsheets, annual reports and appraisals, and enjoying meetings and team building exercises instead of doing any work"

"In the worst case you end up imagining that people like attending conferences and listening to a load of bollocks for hours on end only broken by pointless and humiliating role play exercises"

So I bought some chicken, slim green beans, mushrooms and coconut milk instead.

So heat some oil in a pan,not to hot to start with and lob in some chopped ginger (about a square inch) six chopped chilis, a chopped onion, two stems of bruised lemon grass (put it in bag and wallop it with a hammer), and six chopped garlic cloves. Let it fry away till the onions are translucent.

Bung in as you go two chicken breasts chopped into chunks, some chopped coriander, about a teaspoon of Thai seven spice seasoning and a punnet of sliced mushrooms. When the meat is sealed bung in a slug of sherry to deglaze the pan and then a can of coconut milk. Let that cook away on a low heat for about ten minutes adding some trimmed slim beans as you go and giving it a bit of a stir now and again so it don't stick to the pan.

Take out the lemon grass stems and serve on a bed of rice with a nice Catalonian rose wine while listening to Vernian Process, Willie Nelson, Motorhead, Laibach, Bad Company, the Mission, All About Eve,Robert Plant, Alice Cooper, Frijid Pink and the Who

Then finish it off with some Ben and Jerrie's Fish Food
Sloe Gin and coffee.

Noticed in our local Sainsburys a huge cut-out of some kids in school uniform grinning away with the legend Back to School printed on it.

Come on chaps have you any idea how much kids hate seeing Back to School stuff at the begining of their Summer Hols, to remind them of all the bullying and humiliation they have to experience in the academic year.

Mind you it don't get much better when you get out in the workplace, although at least you have the satisfaction of being paid for being bullied and humiliated.

Also have been shamelessly scoffing Fox's Dark Ones as they were on special offer at the nice middle class supermarket Waitrose 50% extra in the bag and on buy one get one free. They are a gorgeous confection of licorich and aniseed..yum.

Stops my biscuits going soggy

~I just went down to the doctors. Expained about my problem, so he perscribed me some viagra and said:

"That'll stop you rolling out of bed"

Thanks to John Holman for the above

I went down to the patents office to register some of my new inventions.

At the main desk a young lady took down my personal details then asked me what I'd invented.

"A folding bottle" I said

"OK what do you call that?"

"A Fottle"

"OK. Anything else?"

"Yes, a folding carton."

"and what's that called?"

"A Farton"

"Now those are daft names and one of them is very crude, now piss off and stop wasting my time."

"So you don't want to know about my folding bucket then?"