Well shipmates the weekend is almost upon us and time to brooch the hooch we brought back from Crete

Hands up everyone who bought a bottle of Ouzo and then wondered why when they got home? We bought four as you can make this great long drink with it and its much cheaper than Pernod or Ricard.

As mixed for me by my celeb guest chef Riordan Gamsey

"Pint Pot

Ouzo inch

lime cordial splash

Sprite Lite top up

grenadine splash

Ouzo Special done

Now fuck off! eh Cook where's the fookin Buckfast"

Charmer isn't he. You should only use a tiny splash of Grenadine to give it some colour, it goes a marvellous pearly girly pink.

In the future I'm hoping to have some more of my celeb chef pals on the site. I know Amelia Spliff wants to demonstrate a recipe from her new book Cooking for Total Idiots. I think it was making a glass of water using only a tap and a glass, Huge Furry Whitgenstein said he'd like to do a deviled cow pat from his own herd and Gary Toads just wants to be unbearably smug with a dusting of caster sugar, while Keith Drunk said he'd just like to get pissed.

Sign in local snackbar "Salt Beef Bloomers" I think this is taking biodegrading clothing too far, I'm sticking with cotton!

What is it with mobile phones and those bloody cyborg headsets that turns people's brains into jelly?

This morning I was in the loo when some suit comes in yakking into his mobile and takes a piss while he is still talking into it. Did the person on the other end think it was raining or did he understand that the talker was just too busy to keep those should be private moments, private. Also does he think anyone else using the bog wants their excretory sound effects broadcast over the O2 network.

Naturally, had I been able at the time, I would have been tempted to poduce as much rear end sound effects as possible (no concerns about IP rights there). But here is a suggestion if someone phones you from the khazi why not put them on speaker phone so that everyone else in the office can enjoy it!

Here are a few tips that might be handy if you are planing a trip to Crete or any part of Greece.

If anyone in your party is at university, make sure they have their student card with them as it will get them into many of the national monuments, archeological sites and museums for free so long as they can prove they are a student from an EU country. The same is true for EU pensioners and people under 18, where a photocopy of the picture page of your passport with your date of birth will do. Journalists from the EU can also get into most of them for free on production of a press card.(This is also true for many other EU countries)

Avoid half board deals, the standard of hotel food can be disappointing, its worth searching for restaurants with local cuisine. Places used by office workers or truck drivers often offer very reasonable cafeteria food with local dishes like stuffed veg.

When visiting churches and monasteries make sure you have clothing that covers your shoulders and legs (this applies to fellows too), otherwise you may cause offence.

The toilets can be a bit grim as the Greeks don't put toilet paper down the loo, prefering to put it into a bin instead. Apparently this is because the drains and sewars can't cope with the paper waste. This also the case in many parts of Turkey.

Health ands safety just does not seem to have taken off in Greece, so take care walking around. Pavements generally are uneven, may just vanish into a pile of scree and are frequently used for parking scooters, dumpsters, menu boards etc, rather than for for walking on without getting run over. Deep pits and big drops are seldom railed off so be especially careful in the dark if you have had a few. In many of the archeological sites there are very dangerous trip hazards.

There are some very nasty insects that can bite you. In Athens I had a nasty reaction to mosquito bites and the skin on my back became very sore and inflamed, if this happens to you see a pharmacist and they will sell you some ointment that clears it up a treat and does not cost a bomb.

As part of the EU you can get some treatment on the Greek NHS, so make sure you have your health card with you and travel insurance.

Power cuts happen occasionaly so its handy to have a small torch.

Currency is Euros which is great as you can keep any left over cash to use when you next go on holiday in the Euro zone. Credit cards are accepted in many places, but not as frequently as in the UK. There are loads of ATMs for getting cash out at better rates than Bureau de Changes, hotels or banks offer.

A good local beer is Mythos. Expect to pay about 3 Euros for a pint.

It's safe to drink the tap water, but the chemicals used to treat it can upset your stomach, bottled water is quite cheap just 50 cents a litre in some supermarkets, 20 cents for a small bottle

Oh and its very hot out there at the moment so don't forget sun creams, hats etc and to drink plenty of water etc.