Well the last full day of Cook's holiday has been a little different.

First off was most amused to discover a local chain of mobile phone shops called The wind, well I guess most of their customers will be blowing off hot air!

Had to break out of the compound again for evening meal didn't feel up to pork fat in custard or deep fried leg of piano again so Mrs F, the Moff and I built a glider out of string and toilet paper and flew over the wire.

Changing into our civies we wandered into town only pausing to have a small Roma child demand money from the Moff armed with a pointed stick. When we ignored her the little bitch stabbed me in the arm with it, not doing much damage but breaking the skin and causing it to bleed, so I threatened her with the rush mat I had under my arm shouting police a couple of times which made the tiny savage back off. Mrs F shopped her to a nearby elderly Roma woman who then gave the monster a Much deserved thick ear! I guess she didn't want he Greek bill moving them on for anoying tourists.

Moving on to a bar I bought some raki to disinfect the cut (best use for it if you ask me and cheaper than dettol) then on for dinner at Kyria Maria once more, this time I sahred a cold meze plate with the Moff and Mrs F had the four cheese dip (will work out how this is made and blog it as its really scrummy)then Moff had Stiffado, Mrs F Moussaka and I had lamb chops, (yum) also a side order of oven cooked spuds and okra plus some wine all for 46 Euros. Very nice indeed,

Well hammock time again and off to the airport tomorrow, hope we don't have too much mucking around with security after all the crap in London and Glasgow.

Night night

Sergeant Cook and his fellow POW's had hatched a daring plan.

"OK Private Moff while Mrs F and I busy ourselves with digging this ear escape tunnel with a teapoon, its up to you to get rid of the evidence."

With trouser legs bulging with the fill from the tunnel the young soldier wandered the excercise yard spreading the gravel round as evenly as possible so the watchful guards were unaware of hut 328's clandestine activities.

6pm time for a quick pink gin in the mess hut and bingo! everyone down the tunnel to sample the freedom of proper Greek food.

We just could not take another dreadful meal in the hotel so we made a break for the old town where we had a cold meze plate with tzatziki, taramousalata, vineleaves, sausage, salad, olives and a delicious 4 cheese and chile dip, followed by baked aubergine with minced meat for Moff and Mrs F and a delicious beef stiffado with whole onions for me.

The restaurant Taberna Kvpia Maria was down a small street just off Moshovito and our meal was accompanied by the songs of the caged birds overhead.

When we finished we were treated to fruit, cheese pies and a little flask of raki, all for 39 Euros very nice indeed.

Real Greek food is fantastic and I am resolved never to go on a holiday to Greece on half board terms again.

Most of today was spent chilling at he beach, its still boiling hot so the water is lovely, back to the hotel for a quick shower then dressed and down in the bar with minutes to spare (That Mrs F can't half move when there area few Euros to be saved, what a smashing lady she is) for happy hour

Evening meal was terrible as usual sliced pork fat again, cheesy spuds, dried up fish, veal giovanitso (one of the few edible items and fear not the veal was well past the age of consent) and cabbage stuffed with some kind of grey stuff. From the sweet trolley I took what I thought was a creme caramel but it seemed to have been made with lemon jelly! very odd.

Anyway no holiday to Greece is complete without a power cut and we have just had one as we walked into the old town, had a few drinks in the town centre before light came on and the street entertainment started to get too intense (the Roma drummer and child dancer were bad enough but the bloody stilt walker said time to go) there is a disturbing black pall of smoke over the town so I imagine the countryside is probably on fire. No one seems too worried about it though.

Well that about it for tonight shipmates

Nightie night

Bright and early the Cook's crew showed a leg for a trip to the ancient sites of Phaistos and Gortys.

On to the coach and judging by the number of porn star moustaches most of our travel companions were Germans of a certain age. (The Germans first started flying to Crete in the early 1940s, but were a lot less welcome then).

On to Gortys the ancient Roman capital of the island, just enough time to see the remains of the Byzantine church and the wee theatre, then onto the Minoan palace at Phaistos. The thing about this place is that nowhere seems to agree on how to spell it, the two signs outside said Festos and Faistos, who's to know? Anyway nice big Bronze Age site not mucked around with as much as the palace at Knossos.

It was so boiling hot today that you could have made tea in my bottle of water

On to Matala for lunch where we tried out the guides suggestion: the King Minos, I had a Gyros plate (Donar kebab without pitta) Moff a big plate of giant beans, Mrs F the Mousaka, plus we shared some chips and a plate of okra, not bad but with drinks and coffee - a bit pricey at 41 Euro I thought.

On to the beach for an hour ohh nasty shingle, bad for Pathetic Sharks and bad for Cook's toes

Next stop a mountain village called Spilla for the essential sell the tourist some old rubbish stop. We were taken into a little cafe where some mad old lady gave us a free glass of raki, as I didn't have a small engine to power (left those roller blades behind!) I drank it, er an aquired taste I think. according to the guide its sold in plastic bottles so you can slip it in your suitcase, nothing at all to do with it being knocked out by Grandad in the shed round the back, so I understand.

Back to the hotel, its Greek night. Bloody hell decent food for a change: stiffado, Greek salad, Vineleaves, Gyros, lamb stuff. Pigged out and went down town for some grog. The old town is currently under siege from kids with bloody accordions, anyone of a certain age will remember the pain of children playing the devil's keyboard on Junior Showtime and Opportunity Knocks (In the early 80s I answered the phone and it was Hughie Green, I nearly said "Blimey I thought you were dead!", but that's another story) Believe me when I say it ain't got any better, still two of the bastards never got a cent out of me tonight!

Tomorrow another lazy day so off to me hammock

Sergeant Cook returned to the dugout, where the nervous Tommys were sharing fags and trying to make light of the big push they knew was soon to come

"Right lads its this morning 10 hundred hours precisely, theres just time for you to get your last letter for home written, then on the officer's whistle its over the top towards the German positions"

"Are there many Jerrys out there Sarge?" a mud smeared lad barely out of his teens asked.

"Thousands of em, young fella, well armed, dug in and if its any consolation just as scared as you and I, but its imperative to London that we take this position, so steady yourself son and stick with me"

In the minutes remaining, more fags were exchanged, letters were written, weapons and watches nervously checked, men shook hands with their companions never sure if they would greet the next day together or not. At ten the big guns stopped pounding and the ensuing silence was eerily broken when the officers whistles sounded the signal to go over the top.

Minutes seemed like hours as the brave Tommys wove between shell holes and dodged incoming fire to lay their towels on the remaining three sunbeds.

In other news I watched a local driving lesson

"Morning Mrs Christadoulou"

"Morning Spiros"

"When your ready light a fag, and taliking into your mobile drive straight on into the nearest stream of traffic at breakneck speed, only stopping to make a rude hand gesture at the person you just cut up sounding his horn"

Other than that lazy day at he pool good lunch from hotel bar, stuffed tomatoes (not as good as mine though) don't know why they can't keep up this standard in the evening.

Afternoon went into the old town to look at the mosques (sadly very much in decay) and St Maria's Cathedral, very nice indeed, Mrs F and the Moff lit some candles for people.

Evening meal was once again an interesting experiment. On offer was watery pasta, some very nice roasted spuds in mustard seeds and what I can only describe as the skeleton of a sheep in tomato sauce, judging by the amount of meat on it.

Off to Pheastos tomorrow so have to show a leg early

Night night

I take back what I said about the roller blades with the tiny engine, I have just seen five people on a bloody scooter and it wasn't the legendary White Helmets display team.

Mrs F and I were trying to cross the road (never an easy thing to do here where pedestrians seem to be targets for any loony behind the wheel) when it bore down on us, Dad on the saddle gripping the handlebars, two kids in front of him and two adults behind one of them gripping a bleedin fully inflated Lilo, not a crash helmet between them!

Mind you I did see some nutters letting their kids drive quad bikes on the bloody high street earlier.

Anyway another lazy day on the beach where I spyed the Barbarossa making her way accross the bay without a stitch of sail at a fair rate of knots. Perhaps she be under some kind of enchantment, either that or running on diesel - some pathetic pirates eh?

Another adventure in catering at our hotel tonight stuffed artichoke- looked like a lemon merang tart, stuffed with canned veg awful- pork in mustard or more truthfully pork fat in mustard, potato noisettes (deep fried nuggets of Smash) wishy washee pasta and fried chicken. Oh for an expense account Islington lunch those were the days!

Off into town for a few drinks and its getting tiresome fending off the people determined to drag you into their bars

"I have a charcoal grill the only one on the island"

"That's why his food is covered in soot then!"

We have taken to walking by the seafront instead still very hot here but I hear the heaviest rain for 50 years is due in the UK tomorrow and I'm missing Wimbledon and Big Brother too it just gets better all the time.

Night night

Today it was even more boiling hot than usual, not a rain cloud in the sky, (sorry Capt Nick) so we were off to the Waterpark. Not really my sort of thing, but got to spend the day with a a good book (Giants of the Frost, by Kim Wilkins) while Mrs F and the Moff went off and got wet.

All in another nice lazy day except for the coach there and back where we had to suffer the ear-splitting cacophony of some spoilt German brat who wailed and howled all the way there and back at top volume! Two hours each way, why do parents inflict their offspring on the public like that? They are not expressing themselves they are being a bloody pest!

Anyway the eccentricity of the hotel menu went into overdrive tonight: liver, mash (both banned from Cook's establishment on account of being force fed the vile stuff at school back in the 60s) tiny beefburgers with a slice of cheese on top in tomato puree, turkey curry with greens? and baked aubergine (dried up and flavourless). What do they think other Europeans eat? Well at least I didn't overeat so more room for beer I say.

Anyway we had a nice trip down the seafront to the old town for an ouzo in the X-Treme Rock Bar (this one was for you Firelight) before logging in here.

Anyway have to go as the wiggley waitress is back in the Politia Bar on our way back to the hotel tonight!

I have just seen someone on a pair of roller blades with a little engine! very slow though she would have been better off without, whatever next?

Anyway we had another lazy day by the pool with a break for lunch at Restaurant Krog Giorgio - Greek husband, Swedish wife, hybrid child.

Had Greek salad, deep fried cheese, aubergine salad, vineleaves, chips, olive bread with garlic mayonaise and drinks all for 27 Euro not bad, but not exceptional.

anyway after another unexceptional meal at the hotel we went for a sighteseeing tour of Rhythemno on one of those little train things, nice easy way to see the ancient mosques (now used as workshops for the antiquities service) churches and other bits of Venetian/Ottoman and Greek architecture and stupid people on motorised roller blades!

We are going to the water park tomorrow where I will work on my sunburn!

That all for now

Didn't do much today except read by the pool.

I am ploughing through Montague Summers The Vampire in Lore and Legend (research material for something I am writing), which is a dreadfully weitten book although it has some fascinating case studies. Summers was a very odd man, he claimed to have been ordained as a Catholic Priest although no record exists of this and he dressed as an 18th century clergyman even down to how he wore his hair. Bit of a nutter he wrote several books on witchcraft and the supernatural.

Anyway this case study was by a Jesuit priest on the Greek Island of Santorini and concerned a man who had converted to te Jesuit Church before he died. In his will he asked that his wife distribute alms to various people, but she decided against it. So his animated corpse returned and haunted the village getting the orthodox priests up early to take matins and pulling the bedclothes of slumbering people in the morning to get them to church. Eventually the priests disintered him and burnt his heart. Deserved it if you ask me.

Can you imagine anything worse than a reanimated religeous nutter corpse.

According to the French Jesuit who recorded this the reason the Greeks are plagued with vampires and the like is because their orthodox faith is not strong enough to dispell the beings. Unlike good old Catholic France where they are just haunted by the spirits of those unable to leave purgatory.

Oh what a comfort religeon is.

Sorry shipmates missed a day here.

Yesterday, met Mr Wolf in Rhythemon old town where we visited the archeolgical museum and the Venetian Fort - one of the biggest on the Island. The Venetians built it to protect the island from the notorious Turkish pirate Barbarossa, but when the Turks invaded they just went round it and starved them out. The fort has a mosque built by the Turks.

Had lunch at a taverna close to the museum.

Started with a huge plate of halloumi cheese, aubergine and potato salad then stiffado (veal in wine, tomato and onion) for Mr Wolf and Moff, Charalambus special (pork, peppers, sausages on a bed of crisps) for Mrs F and I had beef and pasta, complete with drinkies 73 Euros, we were also treated to free deserts and a small flask of raki which is why I was too pissed to note the name of the restaurant.

Afternoon on the beach, water was lovely and warm and back to the hotel for Cretan night, pork souvlaki, meatballs, stiffado, cuttlefish and spuds, salads and stuff made a nice change from all the mad stuff we have been eating there so far, plus Cretan dancing and a band Bouzooki and electric piano, which did often sound a bit like a 70s prog rock band, although they did do a stonking Miserlou!

Into town for Mr Wolf's last night plenty of bars including the Rock Xtreme, with its lovely little bar maid, a bizarre Irish themed pub which was basically full of junk and the Politia bar where the waitress has an intriguing wiggle.

Then off to bed.

Today Mr Wolf's last day spent on the beach with a packed lunch from local fast food place, cheese and ham sandwich with bolognaise sauce, didn't see that one coming.

Anyway Mr Wolf left for Blighty today so farewell old pal and have a safe flight.

Roast Lamb tonight, very salty need more beer.

Goodnight shipmates

Set out bright and early this morning with Mr
Wolf for Crete's capital city Heraklion.

Well when we got there we discovered the archeology Museum was shut until August, bum we thought, so we went and had a look around the Venetian Fort in the harbour.

Back to Rythmonon for lunch. found a nice little restaurant in the old town called something like the Galeno. Well it was Dolamdes (stuffed vine leaves) for Mrs F and the Moff, Bruschetta for Mr Wolf and Tzatziki (Greek yoghurt with garlic and cucumber) for me followed by spagetti for Moff, Mousaka for Mrs F and Tavas (lamb in red wine) for Mr Wolf and I. Very nice it was too and only 103 Euros including four pints of lager, three Ouzo and lemonades, a bottle of wine, water and Greek coffees. I'd be hard pressed to find the place again as we only found it by mistake and were a bit merry by the time we left.

On into the harbour we found two pirate ships, by the name of the Barbarossa and the Captain Hook both advertising for hands, havn't these people ever heard of the good old press gang! Anyway we moved on, would not want Capt Nick to loose his cook and two leading wenches after all!

Back to the hotel for yet another eccentric selection of dishes um Stiffado and Mexican turkey about the most palatable.

Tis boiling hot hot here and will soon be looking to me hammock.

Felt a bit more human after a kip and some breakfast. Met up with Mr Wolf who has been nuts enough to hire a car.

So taking our lives in our hands we set off for the ancient Minoan site of Knossos. the locals all drive like nutjobs and after an hour of lethal traffic dodging on bendy roads we arrived. first stop lunch in Taverna opposite the site.

Mr Wolf and the Moff had the Mousaka and Mrs F and I the stuffed toms, (almost as good as mine, impressed)plus a greek salad, chips and some vineleaves, and drinks all for 50 Euros not bad at all.

Then a good look around the site, royal palace, storerooms and the queen's (God bless her) flushing toilets, back in the car for an ice cream in Rythymo, said goodbye to Mr Wolf and back to the hotel for a bizzare meal of pasta and mini beefburgers in some kind of bolognaise sauce, oh well its inclusive.

Good to see the island has not changed too much, pavements are still pretty random with some lovely big pits you can fall into when it gets dark and plenty of scrawny cats wandering round the dining rooom.

Well must be off shipmates more later

Three hours of being made to stand in about four different queues at bloody Stansted, over three hours stuck in a plane with a kid's earsplitting screaming, little sod.

Heraklion Airport baggage reclaim one hour of anarchy, coach park utter chaos, about two hours enjoying the Cretan countryside by night. I still have not had a drink.

Welcome to Greece!

We had a special evening with the Captain and Moff last night afore we cast anchor for Crete and I thought lets go sort of Japanese.

Ship's band for evening NASA, In Sha Allah, bit of decadent electro/metal/mock Arabian nonsense its taken me a while to track down on CD, UFO over Cairo, Serophia etc. Make yourself a Gin and It with an Orange blossom for the Ladeez and lets cook.

Earlier you will have soaked eight chicken breast fillets in a marinade made from: Seven tablespoons of soy sauce, a glass of dry sherry, six chopped bird's eye chili peppers, six chopped garlic cloves, a dollop of honey and an inch square cube of chopped ginger for a couple of hours in the fridge

Bung two boil in the bag rice bags on to boil in one pan for ten minutes, in the other fry some chopped onions, garlic, panchetta bits, chilli and mushrooms with a good seasoning of Chinese five spice powder, When the rice is ready stir it into the pan of veg and panchetta. Add a handfull of frozen peas and a beaten egg. Stir about till the egg is cooked and serve up onto four plates

In another pan fry the chicken fillets for a few minutes turning them over to ensure they cook evenly then chuck in the marinade and boil it down. Turn two chicken fillets onto each pile of rice and then pour some of the marinade over the chicken.

Total cooking time is about 15 minutes

We had this with a nice chilled Muscadet and very nice it was too.

Your sparkling wit didn't go unnoticed by the fair maidens in the high street today, they were most impressed by all the nice things you shouted at them, as was I when you chanted "Oi bin Laden" towards me, but if I see you and your mate drinking Stella while you are driving again, I will get the other half of your registration number and shop you to the police. If you want to call people names its moronic, but at least it doesn't kill people, drink driving is another matter!

People often say "Oh my cat's really clever", but just how clever are they?

Ship's Cat one will try to wake me up and feed him when it gets light by either nibbling my elbow, nuzzling my ear or sticking his claws into my cheek (the ones on my face, before you get too excited ladies)while Ship's Cat two will leap from the windowsill and hope the impact of her bulk setting up shockwaves will do the trick. Having ignored them this morning no.1 toppled the bedside lamp onto my head.

Got me out of bed alright but got him locked in the kitchen without getting his breakfast until 7am. Now as he regularly wakes me up only to be confined to the kitchen without the desired grub, how bright is that?

Mind you how daft am I not to shut him in before going to bed?

Like Nick I was born in black and white.

Isn't it sweet the bloke with the annoying laugh has been busy trying to get the shrinkwrap off a box of computer software for what seems like hours and its taking all his concentration so not a giggle out of him. Bliss

Better still Mr Sing Song has not turned up! On the downside it finally clicked with him last week that I am the same bearded, long haired fat bloke who used to work at Snalbans when he was there and he thinks we have some kind of common bond

Went on a guided tour of the new Wembley Stadium this morning.

Its bloody massive, got to visit the corporate hospitality suites, press centre, executive stands with comfy chairs, dressing rooms (being got ready for Muse this weekend) and the hallowed pitch. All the time we were followed by a eagle eyed uniformed attendant presumably to make sure we didn't nick anything or stand on the turf. It was almost like being in a 1960s Len Deighton spy thriller.

Still interesting morning out and I got to meet George Cohen, one of the 1966 England world cup squad and a very nice fellow to boot (boom boom) so I got his autograph for my old man

Thank god a new keyboard at last

Did this last night, mixed one Gin and It for me and Orange blossoms for the ladies (Recipes sonewhere on this site)crank up the Gun Club lets cook.

First take some spuds, peel em, cut them into chunks and par boil them so the outside is soft.

Take three turkey fillets, paint with eggwash and then dredge them in breadcrumbs and salt and pepper (I dried some sliced bread in the oven them smashed it to bits with a spud masher). Put the spuds and turkey fillets in an oven proof dish.

Chop a chorizo into small fragments (or wizz it up in the food processor, personally I'd chop it up by hand as the food processor is a real bastard to clean) and liberally distribute over the turkey and spuds, drizzle of oil and a few twists of black pepper whack the lot in the oven for about 40 minutes at 200 degrees.

While that is doing open the wine (Sicilian white from Sainsbury £2.99), have a slug and make the tomato sauce. This is a bit like a Spanish bravas sauce I guess.

Chop finely an onion and six cloves of garlic sling it in the pan with some oil to fry off. Add two teaspoons pimenton for colour and flavour, a couple of twists of black pepper and a can of tomato puree. Give it a good stir and add a glass of red vermouth (well it was open, but wine or sherry would do too), a dash of Worcester Sauce, two teaspoons of dijon mustard and top it up with a pint of water. Add four teaspoons of Hungarian paprika (Adding this much extra pimenton would I think overpower the flavour of the sauce too much, paprika is a bit sweeter and less smokey than pimenton) and a beef stock cube. Give it another stir and let it simmer away until it thickens up a bit then add some fresh chopped coriander, but be careful not to let it boil dry.

By the time the turkey is ready the sauce should be ready too. Turn out the turkey fillet and the spuds onto a plate. Pour some sauce over the spuds and serve with either snap peas or green beans that have just been boiled for a few minutes to maintan crunchyness.

It were a long and tardy sail back to our secret pirate harbour deep in the heart of Essex and when we got there the scurvy shops were all shut.

A quick look in the cupboard revealed two cans of tuna in sunflower oil and some pasta, "Huzzah for Cook" Mrs F, Capt. Nick and Moff cheered "We are all saved!"

Ok make yourself a quick Daquiri with some pineapple and coconut stuff from the service station and a couple of tots of rum, "Arr that's better!"

Sling the oil from the tuna in the pan and fry up with two chopped onions, six garlic cloves, a couple of chopped birds eye chilis with the seeds (I used six, but then as some of my ladeez know I'm hot stuff!), about a teaspoon of dried herbs, half a teaspoon of cinnamon, two teaspoons of Hungarian paprika (Spanish pimenton is fine as an alternative), a teaspoon of horseraddish sauce (no mustard in the cupboard either!)and a couple of twists of black pepper.

As the onions soften chuck a dash of dry sherry to degaze the pan then sling in a punnet of mushrooms and cook these down with a dash of soy to release their liquor. Then chuck in both the cans of tuna and a can of tomato puree, give it a stir and top up with water. Sling in a dash of Worcester sauce and a chicken stock cube, give it another good before chucking in whatever pasta you have in the house. About half to two thirds of a small bag will do four. Let it bubble away for about ten minutes giving it the odd stir until the pasta is al dente and the sauce has thickened up.

Ok while this is bubbling away take two small ciabaddas cut them in half and then slice them open. Bruise some cloves of garlic and rub them over the exposed bread, then chop em up fine and sprinkle the garlic on the bread. After discovering that there is no marge or butter in the fridge place the bread crust side down on a baking tray and cover with thinly sliced cheddar. Slam it in the oven for about three to five minutes so the cheese gets to melt.

With a bit of luck both dishes should be ready at the same time, so sling the pasta on the plates and serve up to the hungry crew topped with grated cheddar and freshly ground black pepper along with the plate of hot cheesy garlic bread.

Cooking time just 30 minutes just the thing for a bunch of starving freebooters.

I'd just like to say thanks to Paddy for inviting me and Mrs F to his birthday bash, it was great fun and you and Brad are both lovely. Also got to meet some more of you people out there which was fun too.

One of the highlights for me was probably being the oldest person in Birmingham's Snobs night club, (a place with some of the most fragrant khazis it has ever been my pleasure to visit, it knocked the Ruskin Arms bogs into a cocked hat!) Still had a good boogie to some records that were only about 20 years younger than me.

Day two and we had a lovely walk down the canal (on the towpath smartyknickers)where we saw some charming geese (useless eating Canada Geese, what you want is a nice fat Emden)who hissed at us, some lovely little goslings who were so busy preening that they fell over, Capt Nick's now legendary white dog egg and a wren (I can't remember the last time I saw one of them) Had lunch and a laugh with Paddy and some more bloggers in the All Bar One before watching Paddy and Brad perform at the Library Theatre in Solihul. You looked gorgeous guys!

Back into Brum for a Balti with a naan the size of a table cloth at the Celebrity Balti House (3 supurb baltis, I had meat and mushroom, Mrs F a vegetable one and Capt Nick a meat and spinach, two rice, keema naan and drinks for £40 you can't go wrong)then back to the travelinn for some zeds.

Day three, lie in then back along the canal for a Chinese buffet at the Tin Tin, very good all you can eat selection brought to you at the table, very nice starters, soups, and mains plus drinks all for £40 again, then all speed back to London where I cooked desparation tuna pasta (shops were shut) I will post the recipe tomorrow!

Nearly forgot to mention Edinburgh Airport has a Pirates of the Carribbean promotion on. this means that some poor soul (probably from the marketing dept) had to dress up as Captain Jack Sparrow and walk about looking as if he wished that the ground would swallow him up instead of hamming it up like a true pirate would. Naturally the costume and wig didn't fit very well and the poor chap was a just bit too old for the part.

I think big corporations really enjoy making staff participate in these sort of events especially if they make people look and feel daft (Its a development opportunity stoopid!). I'm sure this is why staff uniforms are often such dreadful colours too.

There is also this odd perception that its cheaper to make a member of staff do it than to hire an actor or promo person. Yeah right of course it is why not pay someone to be even more pissed off with their job than normal at twice the rate of a resting artiste and lose a day's work out of them too.

Mind you when I was in PR, I did it myself just to get out of the office, I made a lovely reindeer, a regal Roman Emperor and a rowdy cowboy, but the worst ever was being the back half of a rhino. You just don't want to go there!

Well eventually got back home today having sprung the Moff for the summer.

Got to Edinburgh Airport around lunchtime and had a not bad lunch in the new Whetherspoons, Mrs F and the Moff Haggis (yuk) and I had a jolly nice cheeseburger and a pint of Deuchars (£26 the lot) much better than the dried up burger I had in the hell-hole that is Stansted.

Have to admit that I hate airports, its all the queing and hanging around not to mention the shoe police and all that nonsense with resealable plastic bags for those pathetic quantities of liquid. So I was quite glad to be getting on the flight home.

Back to Stansted and we were hours getting home as a truck of cooking oil had shed its load on the motorway and it was taking ages to clean it up. Haven't they ever heard of Fairy Liquid! I am begining to think I might take the train next time.

Anyway we had a lovely time in Edinburgh, especially the day we took the Powder Monkey to the Zoo and I'd like to say a big thank you particularly to the crews of the Ensign Ewart, the Ghandi and the Glenhas Cafe (where we filed our reports from, they do a killer Scottish breakfast too)