I have had to research some legendary animals for one of the products I am working on and some of the stuff is pretty weird.

Try this the Bonnacon is a bull like animal with the mane of a horse and turned around horns. Not to strange yet I admit but if you get it scared at can crap poo that burns over a distance of three furlongs.

Hmm think the peasants have been on the ergot of rye milord

Fantastic picture of those Bobfocs from Sex in the City at last night's London premiere of the film version of that tedious nonsense about shoes and shagging, on the front page of today's Metro.

Kim Cattrell looks like she has a had green spikey hairdo thanks to the position of the plume on Sarah Jessica Parker's magnificently stupid hat.

An excellent testimony to the Picture Editor's art

Having been so busy with our trip to Ireland last week I only got round to opening the little pile of trade newspapers that had piled up over the last two weeks on Saturday morning.

So imagine my glee on finding the week before last's PR Week with the story that goes "Ken will win but Boris winning PR War says PRCA" (Public Relations Consultants Association). Got that a bit wrong chaps.

Then in the following week PR Week's big story is "Boris to Slash London PR Jobs".

Wonder why?

Mind the PRCA didn't get it as wrong as as Call me Dave did.

Fades back to Tory HQ last year, Call me Dave and spin doctors are enjoying a glass of organic water and a tasty dolphin and radicchio wrap.

Call me Dave: "What can we do with that buffoon Boris Johnson, he is always getting in my way with his bicycle and outspoken ways"

"yes Leader and since he is the only member of the Tory Party with any pesonality or chracter left unpurged, a potential threat to your leadership when the electorate realise you are just as rubbish as Gordon Brooon."

"yes I know, but I had a wizard wheeze last night - lets put him up against newt boy as London Mayor!"

"Brilliant idea Leader, he will never win and then he will get cheesed off with poltics and go back to making an arse of himself on the telly."

"Any of those rocket and Condor egg ciabattas left?"

Of course the first Boris intiative banning booze from public transport, has been a great success we never saw no one at all swigging wine from plastic glasses(sophisticated eh?) or necking Magners out of the bottle on the DLR when we came home from Greenwich.

Saturday Morning.

"Shipscook the computer ain't working"

Phones computer company speaks to robot gets put on hold to rubbish 80s music.

"Hello what seems to be the problem?"

"Oh I turn the machine on and the screen goes black"

"Whats the doodad code"

"Where will I find that?"

"On a label on the computer"

"OK"

Gets onto floor and eventually finds tiny sticker grey with white copy so its really hard to read in the reduced light of under the table world.

"Its blah blah"

"Can you call back Monday to friday"

"Why"

"well there are no technicians on duty till then"

"Why didn't you tell me that before I had to crawl about on the floor?"

"Thank you for calling goodbye."

So we had no computer for the weekend calls again this morning, goes through the doodad number thing.

"Whats the problem?"

"I turn it on and the screen goes black"

"What colour does the screen go?"

"Black"

"so the screen goes black"

"yes"

"Are you in front of it now?"

"No I'm at work and the computer is at home"

"Oh you need to be in front of it so we can trouble shoot what's wrong"

"yes but from Monday to Friday I'm at work"

"well we have people here between 8.00 and 7.00 Saturday"

"But when I rang on Saturday I was told there was no one in technical support and to call back on Monday"

"Ah its a new intiative the operator prtobably didn't know about it"

I can see this won't be as easy as I thought

Driving home through Hackney I spied a little dog step off the pavement into the road. His Neanderthal owner started shouting at him and when the dog returned walloped him as did the idiot's girlfriend.

People like that don't deserve to have animals. If the poor creature had been on a lead, as any responsible owner should have a dog in an urban environment, it would never have happened. And the poor little creature should have been praised for coming back when called not walloped. What a pair of lowlife scum those two were.

Then I witnessed an idiot cyclist shoot a red light and then swear at the oncoming motorist into who's path (and right of way) he steered before almost running down a bunch of pedestrians on a zebra crossing, who had the temerity to think that they were safe what with the lights being in their favour and everything. While I agree cycling is very green I am puzzled as to why so many cyclists are such a bunch of psychotic selfish bastards who think the highway code only applies to motorists and that pedestrians are merely targets.

"This here supermarket has bugger all in it" exclaimed Saucy Wench Tartare as she searched high and low for mushrooms.

"And there be no cherry toms or any toms at all in this scurvy veg locker" added Master Surgeon Tripe

From his position behind the empty trolly Bosun Gravy, shook his head despondently "Cook what are we going to eat tonight? I'm starvin and Spudsey needs something other than grog to line his rumblin guts."

"Well there be some chicken, tortilla wraps and some sauces here lets go Mexican!" I replied.

Ok this is how it came together.

Into a pan of hot oil chuck two chopped onions, six or seven smashed cloves of garlic and six chopped chile peppers (reduce if you don't like it too hot). Let it cook off for a bit, reducing the heat and adding two teaspoons Garum Massalla, a teaspoon of paprika before chucking in two finely sliced chicken breasts.

Let them fry off for a bit then add a glass of white wine and two teaspoons of Dijon Mustard and a handfull of freshly chopped Coriander. Let this reduce and then split the contents of the pan between six tortillas, add some grated cheese, roll em up and put em on the plate.

Add dollops of sour cream and chive dip, guacomole and tomato salsa to the plate. I'd have made my own salsa by chopping some red onion, tomato and coriander together had the supermarket had any decent tomatos.

I read in today's Metro that one of Boris Johnson's bright ideas for tackling crime is to install airlport style scanners at railway stations. To be fair this patently daft idea has already been put forward by Torylite New Labour so he can't take all the blame.

This just won't work, the average train takes far more passengers than an aircraft and there just is not time to screen all the passengers in the limited time that a train is being made ready. To prevent terrorists from joining the train elsewhere it would also be necessary to install security screening at every railway station in the UK, many of which are not even manned, not to mention railway/tube/metro interchanges.

And while on the subject of Airport security I could not help notice that the staff at Stansted Airport were asking every other passenger to place their shoes through the X-Ray machine. Now it would not be too difficult for any potential miscreant to get through that, so whats the point of doing it at all, aside from making the whole process of travelling more unpleasant than it needs to be.

QueeneMab, Old Nick and I have just enjoyed a wonderful break with Landers UK and Scoobydoofus at their place in Galway, so thanks very much chaps, it was brilliant and you must come and stay with us sometime soon.

Our adventure kicked off when we arrived at Knock Airport and were whisked away to Chez Gay to meet Eddie and Hille the dogs and Max and Huw the cats. After a whirlwind tour of the premises we were off to Lough Corrib to take the dogs for a run.

In the late afternoon with just a hint of the "lovely soft" rain the country is famous for we enjoyed the stunning beauty of the lake as Eddie and Hille splashed about in the surf. Then back to Chez Gay for delicious chile cooked by Scoobydoofus, stopping only for a couple of pints of the black stuff on the way home.

The following day, fuelled by some monster bacon sandwiches we were off to Galway, where we had a look around the harbour and the town before setting off to Kinvara for lunch. Kinvara was in the midst of the Cuckoo Fleadh (a festival held since 1994)that marks the passing of Bealtaine) so it was chock full of people watching the occasional fun-running child stagger towards the pub where its parents were quite wisely enjoying Champagne or Guiness with their lunch, not to mention the customary fellow dressed as a cuckoo trying to get in everyone's photos.

We had a very tasty lunch at one of the pubs, but poor Old Nick who had not been too feeling too well missed out. Then we bundled back into Landers truck for the drive home and a splendid cheese and cold meat dinner with home made houmous and soda bread (it was yummy and thanks for the bread recipe Landers).

Well waking up the following morning Old Nick was feeling a bit better, but genorous soul that he is had passed on his bug to both QueeneMab and I, just in time for the trip home.

And here is a useful tip for anyone using Knock Airport. you have to pay a ten Euro Development Tax as before you enter the security screening area so have some cash on you. Quite why this can't be collected when you buy your ticket I don't know, I suspect it may be to help keep the advertised price of the ticket appear low, but then I am a cynical old bastard.

Despite Old Nick's bug, we all had a brilliant time and thanks once again chaps for being super hosts. come and see us soon.

I'm not by any means a supporter of the Tories, but I was quite pleased by the London Mayor results. I can't stand that little twerp Livingstone and its good to see Mr Broon get a kick in the bollocks. Here's a radical idea, Gordon try being a proper bloody Labour politician instead of a Tory lite.

As I don't actually live in the London Council area I can afford to be pleased that at last someone with a bit of personality has achieved office instead of all those nonentity middle managers that all three political parties are now comprised of and I can look forward to a couple of years of quality comedy kicking off down the road.

In other news I was delighted to see that the British Nazi Party lost two of their six seats on my local district council, (shame it wasn't all of them though)and glad to see the Residents Association pick up another.

Huge amounts of money are to be spent trying to convince the inhabitants of these isles to "twist, lick and dunk" these US biscuits in milk.

As they are full of sugar dentists must be rubbing their hands in glee at the potential upturn of their fortunes.

Hmmm I sticking to Hob Nobs and a cup of tea